Jock Itch College football is the Christian Slater of spectator sports

I’ve got a dirty little secret: I hate college football. CU plays CSU in its annual collision Sept. 6 at Folsom Field in Boulder, and I could not care less. College football is an inferior product compared with the NFL.

Disliking college football is probably the most controversial thing you can do when you write a sports column. The nation is obsessed with college football, and since so much TV and radio time is taken up with the skull-rattling boredom of the NCAA, my little secret had to come out sometime. If you too are struggling with your hatred of college football and have faked your way through a work conversation about Southern Missouri State’s offensive line, this one is for you.

If you love college football, let me ask you this: Do you like the WNBA? If your answer is no, then you are a hypocrite because college football is just like the WNBA.

Both leagues have talented athletes but, sadly, they're not the best of the best at their sports. No one can deny that the jocks in the WNBA and NCAA are but pretenders to the physical specimens in the NBA and NFL. Why would I want to watch an inferior product? More importantly, why do you? Do you watch minor league baseball or the MLS? Would you watch The Shining with Christian Slater doing his best Nicholson imitation? No, of course you wouldn’t. College football is Christian Slater. That’s not a horrible thing. It’s just not a very good thing.

Other reasons why college football sucks:

No parity: There are some great athletes at the college level, but when they’re beating the piss out of Holy Cross 52-0 by halftime, the inequities are embarrassing. Parity rules for a reason people.

The rankings: The top 20 in college football is determined by a computer and some bored sports writers, and it’s never really clear who the consensus number one team is because the ranks aren’t decided strictly by win/loss. Yes, your team could win a game, but if it wasn’t by 52 points, they might move down in the standings. Paula Abdul, in a Vicodin stupor, could come up with a better system than this.

The dorks: It’s amazing any babies get made with so many college football dorks around. If you attend CU or CSU, have a blast at the game. That’s what you should be doing in college. But if you’re a grown-ass man who prays to a Florida State beach towel every Saturday morning, you need some therapy.

The BCS: The Bowl Championship Series is the easiest target for disliking college football, but it’s truly the most garish of these offenses. Instead of having the numerous college teams engage in a playoff to determine which one is the best, a select few will be magically selected by that aforementioned computer to play in a bowl game, which may or may not determine a true champion. Throughout the history of the BCS, two or more teams have been crowned "champ," which is laughably absurd for something that’s taken this seriously. College basketball, on the other hand, plays a tournament at the end of its season where a true champion wins its way to a title. College football will never do it that way because too much money is being made the BCS way, which is ironic because it seems even more money could be made from a playoff.

Now that my secret is out, I feel free. I wish I could get into college football, but it’s a sport with too many flaws. The blind allegiance to an inferior product is too much for me to stomach, so join me in calling out the second-rate concoction that is college football. And if you don’t agree with what I’ve written, you can flip me off from your courtside seat at the next WNBA game you attend.