News Net Colorado Springs children lost in the sewers, Book Of Mormon sells out fast, and more

Since sifting through dull newspapers, hyperbolic blogs, and overflowing RSS feeds for meaningful news can be an arduous process, News Net catches and compiles both the amusing and the significant reports that were overlooked throughout the weekend. Here are some things to think about as the workweek begins.

• Three children were spotted going down a manhole in Colorado Springs, prompting a search and rescue effort that was called off after searchers determined they probably exited the tunnels on their own. When reached for comment, Pennywise The Clown said he’s glad to hear the search has been called off and believes the children to be, “Fine, just fine. Delicious, even.”

• The local run of Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s The Book Of Mormon sold out in less than five hours, leaving thousands of would-be attendees without tickets. The good news is local Mormon churches reported there were still plenty of seats available in their congregations, and they’ll be happy to give you a copy of their Book Of Mormon.

• A dozen members of a local motorcycle gang were arrested over the weekend and charged with a variety of weapons and drugs offenses. The defendants are expected to argue that the whole thing is a case of intense Sons Of Anarchy cosplay that went way, way overboard.

• A group of Boulder atheist activists are putting up billboards claiming “God is an imaginary friend.” Once this campaign has swayed the masses, the group is likely to target either Santa Claus or vampires as its next debunking.

• An Aurora man was arrested on charges of supporting a terrorist organization this weekend, making him the second Aurora-based terrorism suspect to make headlines in recent history. While some in Aurora are no doubt concerned about what this developing trend will do to the city’s reputation, they should know that everyone who doesn’t live there always assumed Aurora was some kind of third-world shithole anyway.