News Net Denver gets sexier every day, vampire lady on the loose, and more

Since sifting through dull newspapers, hyperbolic blogs, and overflowing RSS feeds for meaningful news can be an arduous process, News Net catches and compiles both the amusing and the significant reports that were overlooked throughout the weekend. Here are some things to think about as the workweek begins.

• Denver has jumped up a few spots in survey of America’s cities with the most attractive people, jumping five spots from No. 9 last year. We’re thinking that if we can get rid of some of the street walkers on Colfax and take down that blue demon horse at the airport we might actually have a chance at the top spot next year.

• Over the weekend, a woman walked into a convenience store, grabbed a customer’s junk, and bit both a customer and the clerk on the neck. Police are now on the lookout for the vampire and urge citizens to call authorities if they see her, since holy water only works in the movies and staking a crazy woman is still murder, technically speaking.

• An elderly couple from Pueblo was kicked out of their church because their hearing aids were making too much noise. The couple speculated that if Jesus were alive today, He wouldn’t have kicked them out. Jesus was unavailable to confirm or deny, but supposedly the guys in charge of the church are His spokesmen, so who knows?

• A severed buffalo head had police in Boulder inquiring after the health of the CU mascot Ralphie. Turns out, Ralphie is just fine—better than ever actually, now that rumors he’d be replaced by a younger buffalo have been laid to rest.  

• A half-naked climber who seemed to be high on mushrooms needed rescue from the First Flatiron on Friday. We here at The A.V. Club would like to gently remind readers that the proper place to lose your shit on ’shrooms is not the Flatirons, but a dorm room or similar space where the biggest danger you face is getting really distracted by your reflection in the bathroom mirror.