Denver sports 2011 holiday gift guide
Yes, this is a real thing
Gift-giving can be a cumbersome, laborious task, kind of like watching a Colorado Avalanche game this season. Rest easy, though: We’re here to help with a handy team-by-team guide to help you find the perfect gift for the Colorado sports fan in your life. (Now with more Tebow!)
Denver Broncos
Jewelry set
Look, I’m all for supporting your team, but if you’re wearing this, you probably think Red Lobster is “classy” and the Kardashians are American royalty. Honor the country’s spin down the drain and the Broncos rise up the charts with this jewelry set!
Chef coat
It claims to be a chef coat, but I think you could take the place of the Barrel Man as a new character named “Admiral Bronco” by donning this. The only thing missing would be your dignity.
Lawn gnome
This would only be appropriate to place in your perfectly legal medical marijuana garden. After all, you would have to be supremely high to buy this atrocious bit of hokum.
Inflatable buffet
Let’s be honest: isn’t this really just a trough? Fill it up with wings and processed cheese products and after it’s all gone, you can vomit and/or defecate in it before you go inside the stadium. Set it on fire, and buy another for next week.
Denver Nuggets
Carmelo Anthony photo and team coin
Why not commemorate the dismal fiasco that was Carmelo Anthony’s exit from Denver with a $100 framed picture? The gold coin is 24KT (plated), but the memories are all shit.
Door knocker
Nothing, and I mean nothing, shrieks class like a Denver Nuggets brass door knocker. Ladies, if someone has placed this on the door to his hovel, you know you’ve struck gold. Or brass at least. Enter at your own risk.
Melo shirt
Again, who would like to pony up $17 (not including shipping) for the honor of remembering the spoiled superstar who whined his way out of Denver and lied about it the whole time? These should be bargain priced and placed at all dog parks in case the little plastic baggies have run out.
Dog shirt
And speaking of cleaning up after dogs, if you own a dog and feel the pathological need to dress it up, this may be for you. Buy this and the Carmelo-poop-clean-up shirt together and receive free shipping. No charge for the poop either!
Colorado Rockies
Duvet cover
I’m pretty sure most men don’t even know what a duvet is, but this is sold as a guy’s duvet, squarely assuming your average baseball fan knows that. But what man in his right mind would ever put a duvet on his bed without a woman forcing him? And then if he had a woman forcing him, would she would ever let him choose a Rockies duvet? Not a chance in hell.
Pacifiers
Two things going on here: These pacifiers are “imported,” which means they are made in China and will probably kill your newborn within a week of letting him or her suckle them. So instead of killing a child, why not buy these as a gag gift for when the Rockies ultimately suck by late spring and Jim Tracy is shown the door. He may need one, too.
Autographed Huston Street photo
Well, this is awkward. Huston Street, one of the more frustrating members of the Rockies pitching staff of the last few years—and that’s saying something—was traded recently, letting fans’ heart rates slow to a normal pace. I’m getting one so I can burn it in a ritual sacrifice, cleansing me of Street’s horrific up and down outings. Let’s all get one.
Colorado Avalanche
Tattoo sleeve
Why go through the pain and lifelong commitment of a tattoo when you can just slide this on? This is exactly the kind of fair-weather attitude you will need when dealing with the woefully underperforming Avs this season.
Ultimate fan hand
The ultimate fan hand or the best dildo in the entire world? Either way, Avs management is cramming something up your butt and it might as well be this.
Tebow (because he deserves his own gift category at this point.)
Christian-themed Broncos shirt
God may be a Bronco fan (why else would sunsets be orange?), but if you’re wearing this, you should be punched in the face.
Women’s Tebow jersey
The Ticket’s Les Shapiro and many other media members have done nothing but dig in their heels on Tim Tebow, refusing to acknowledge his greatness. When they come around and embrace their Teboners with two hands, let’s make them wear this.
Tebow doll
Tebow is now available in convenient action figure form! Even as a doll, his throwing motion is awful and his footwork is terrible, but he just keeps winning football games and is probably making sweet love to Barbie. Or not, that’s probably against his religion.
Christmas card
And then there’s this gem, which you can see adorning the top of this article. Get them before they’re subjected to a copyright violations sweep!
