Roll Call Descendents: Legends of punk and inconsistency

Sure, Descendents stand alongside the Ramones and Buzzcocks as part of the holy trinity of pop-punk—but that doesn’t mean the act didn’t have its share of clunkers. Well, more than its share, really: Even a generous estimate pegs about 30 percent of the band’s material as unlistenable garbage. There’s another 30 percent that’s sublime, though, so things work out. Before the band’s Saturday, Jan. 28 show at the Fillmore Auditorium, The A.V. Club looks past the heaps of praise and adulation that have been piled on Descendents to focus on the group’s artistic valleys as well as peaks.

Song: “Hope” from Milo Goes To College
Summary: Amid the tinny roar of an untamed ’70s-era guitar, a put-out lonely heart watches from the sidelines as his dream girl prances around with a class-A dickhead. As he struggles with the resentment and disappointment of his crush passing him over, he takes solace in the hope she’ll come running back when her main squeeze reveals his nature.
Good, bad, or ugly? A million songs deal with a spurned lover’s swirl of emotions, but few do it as articulately or easily as “Hope,” which seems instinctually to know that hope is simultaneously the cruelest and most redeeming element of human nature. Not just a highlight in the Descendents’ songbook, “Hope” is also certainly an all-time classic of its genre.

Song: “No FB” from I Don’t Want To Grow Up
Summary: Although its title comes across as some sort of anti-social media rant in 2012, it’s actually a cryptic—and less offensive—abbreviation of the song’s mantra of “no fat beaver.” While the band pussyfooted around with the song’s title, its lyrics are more direct and foreshadow those “No Fat Chicks” bumper stickers popular with mouth-breathers in the late ’90s.
Good, bad, or ugly? “No FB” is a crass and juvenile crap-fest in the best of situations, but the utter disdain it emanates is remarkably hypocritical coming from a band that built its name around songs that lament knee-jerk, superficial rejections when they come from girls.

Song: “Get The Time” from Enjoy
Summary: On its surface, it’s a straightforward love song about a dude who realizes it’s time to finally buck up and tell his girl exactly how great she is, then schedule whole afternoons devoted to nothing more than adoring her. Dig a little deeper, though, and the song’s something else entirely: a love letter never to be sent, as the dude wrestles with the realization that his procrastination’s a cowardly tactic to shy away from potential rejection.
Good, bad, or ugly? Like all of the best Descendents love songs, this is a touching glimpse at unyielding devotion, adolescent worry, and points in between. It’s also one hell of a sing-along number.

Song: “Weinerschnitzel” from Fat EP
Summary: A guy rolls into a Der Weinerschnitzel drive-through. The cashier welcomes him. He screams his order, punctated by spondee guitar/bass/drum riffing. The clerk asks if he wants Bill sperm with his order. He turns it down. Apparently, that’s all it took to make a song.
Good, bad, or ugly? It’s hard to imagine a time when anyone other than the band members would find this 11-second clip funny. Nonetheless, it inexplicably remains a presence in the band’s set to this day.

Song: “I’m Not A Loser” from Milo Goes To College
Summary: In an explosion of rage (albeit including some unfortunately homophobic lyrics) that could blow even the Sex Pistols’ hair back, “I’m Not A Loser” valiantly repudiates the jock/frat-boy world of drugs and easy sex, while taking mischievous glee in drawing pride from the disdain dished out by the “cool” kids.
Good, bad, or ugly? Pop-punk had a way of getting frilly and soft in the ’00s, but “I’m Not A Loser” proves the sound was grounded in the same defiance and individualism as the harder stuff. Although it’s permanently cemented to high-school rebellion, there’s delight as well as a mighty sense of empowerment that sparks from this track.

Song: “Enjoy” from Enjoy
Summary: Ever think about setting an eighth-grade gross-out contest against an arrangement most bands would be embarrassed to play in sound check? If so, don’t bother: “Enjoy” beat you to it. Amid references to huffing queefs and inhaling “butt-toast,” whatever the hell that is, singer Milo Aukerman finds time to make farting noises into the microphone in a litany of nearly every smelly bodily function known to man.
Good, bad or ugly? It’s a staggering testament to the breakdown of common sense and quality control that “Enjoy” was ever written, let alone recorded. It’s impossible not to wonder what Descendents were sniffing when they elevated it to title-track status and included it on their greatest-hits album, Somery.

Song: “Eunuch Boy” from Everything Sucks
Summary: A 19-second track about a dude who’s castrated—apparently by a lawn mower—“Eunuch Boy” reminds listeners what he lost (it specifically mentions his missing penis and testes) and all of the things he’ll never be able to do (have sex, masturbate, pee standing up). That’s literally a complete summary of the song.
Good, bad or ugly? While it’s a little easier to turn a blind eye to this kind of locker-room humor on the albums Descendents recorded when they were teenagers, “Eunuch Boy” is a product of the act’s first reunion in 1996, when its members should have already reached the age where they knew better.

Song: “’Merican” from Cool To Be You
Summary: Although he’s rarely known for social commentary, Aukerman declares he’s “Proud and ashamed every Fourth Of July,” as the band lashes out at the jingoism of the Bush era in this 2004 cut, but avoids the leftist sloganeering so popular in the era. After all, how can you totally hate a country that came up with the First Amendment and rock ’n’ roll?
Good, bad or ugly? Tackling the confusing and inseparable bundle of love and hate the Descendents usually reserve for songs about heartbreak, “’Merican” proves that there are always ups and downs, and a love for one’s country can be just as confusing and angering as love for a girl. Or the love of a pop-punk band.