Jock Itch Detroit doesn’t want Nickelback, and neither do we

For the first time in a long while, Detroit is playing a meaningful game on Thanksgiving, and a Detroit artist is not playing the halftime show. Nickelback is. In what should be considered a victory against mediocrity and spectator rights everywhere, a group of Detroit Lions fans—and fans of good music in general, really—have banded together to circulate a petition to replace Nickelback as the halftime entertainment at the storied annual NFL Thanksgiving game in the Motor City.

Since Nickelback is not from Detroit, fans of sports and music alike are bewildered by the choice. Mind-boggling doesn’t even begin to describe how bad a choice that is, when you think of all of the many great musical acts to come out of Detroit. Some genius thought Nickelback would be an act everyone would enjoy, in the city that brought us Motown, Ted Nugent, White Stripes, MC5, and the Stooges. (And that barely scratches the surface of Detroit’s musical greatness!) How awesome would it be to have Iggy Pop, shirtless and in HD, shaking his goods in every living room across America on Thanksgiving? I think Lions fans would even take Madonna back when weighed against the comic, pop-metal stylings of Chad Kroeger and his merry band of Canadian douchebags.

There aren’t any special games being held in Denver these days (for many reasons), but if there were, I’m sure the NFL would cram some crappy band down our throats, too. Of course, if Denver got jobbed like this, we wouldn’t say anything. As a sports culture, we’re just too lazy and/or high to care about such things; we’d probably just let Nickelback sully our beautiful stadium, our city, and our ears. That doesn’t mean we at The A.V. Club here in Denver can’t dream, though. Here are a few modest suggestions for our future, theoretical Thanksgiving halftime show in the Mile High City.

Slim Cessna’s Auto Club
These legendary alt-country crooners may need to play some of their classics to appeal a wider audience, but the band’s unique take on Western music would feel right at home at Mile High.

Git Some
The sleaze-metal masters’ titanic sound would make any halftime show in Denver not only tolerable, but would also inject life into the defeated fans.

Christie Front Drive
It would probably take most of halftime for one of CFD’s songs to build to its glorious conclusion—but man, it would be awesome when it did.

The Apples In Stereo
Okay, so technically the band wasn’t ever from Colorado, but before spreading their wings for greener pastures, Robert Schneider and crew spent some formative years in the dusty streets of Denver. They would sum up a halftime show perfectly for a Denver Broncos game.

The Fray
Maybe the band’s soft-rock anthems wouldn’t bring down the house like a Kid Rock ass-kicker, but the band is from Colorado and has enough of a following to interest a national audience. Plus, The Fray is still way better than Nickelback.

Back to Detroit, though. As mentioned, the Motor City has no shortage of living icons ready to represent. The NFL keeps Kid Rock in a glass case to provide entertainment in a pinch, so it’s baffling that he’s not playing. Eminem or, hell, even Insane Clown Posse, should have gotten the nod over Nickelback. Bob Seger could do a monster set of all of his hits, with Eminem taking a few verses of “Night Moves,” and the nation would be glued to it like the O.J. Simpson Bronco chase.

The disgusted reaction and resulting petition not only speak to just how much the public despises Nickelback, but also say a lot about how stupid the NFL tastemakers think viewers are. You’d think a multi-platinum group would be welcomed with open arms, but the sad reality, for Nickelback anyway, is that even drunken football fans realize the band is horrible. Yet someone thought this was a good idea. It’s like having Todd Bertuzzi say a few words at Steve Moore’s birthday party. Removing the band from the festivities would truly make it a day of thanks giving for all.