“Die of cancer of the ass”: A Lisa Lampanelli sensitivity seminar

Just as attending a Gallagher show calls for a poncho, a Lisa Lampanelli show more or less calls for an extra skin. The savage sweetheart loves a crowd that includes all races, ethnicities, and sexual orientations, because that sends her off on more stereotype-fueled crowd-baiting tangents. Surprisingly, getting ripped on at a Lamps show may be one of the warmest experiences a comedy fan can have. When she’s hooking into a Hispanic or black guy at the front of the room with her blissfully crude, I-talian-accented jabs, it’s really her way of making pals. For her, terms like “gook” and “spic” are just emphatic notes in a great, perverse symphony of racial harmony. Anyone attending Lampanelli’s run of shows this Wednesday through Saturday at Comedy Works in Greenwood Village probably bought a ticket in hopes of getting personally caricatured, but just in case, The A.V. Club offers this diversity-sensitive guide.

Hispanics

Stereotype: In Lampanelli’s social hierarchy, the Latinos seem to be giving black people a run for their money in terms of pure non-functionality: “You're Hispanic? Oh, my God. You look so employed!” And, not one to leave out the obvious dig: “Are you a border-hopper or a river-swimmer? I’ll get back to you when you can speak English. Yay!”

Cold comfort: If nothing else, she respects minorities who try to improve their standing in the community: “Compared to pickin’ fruit all day, [your job] isn’t all that bad... I joke, he doesn't work.”

Blacks

Stereotype: This is the woman who wrote a book entitled, Chocolate, Please. In other words, having sex with black guys is a huge career asset. “He’s like, ‘Now ’dat’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout! What’s my name, bitch?’ I’m like, ‘I don’t know! You just got paroled yesterday!’” As for black ladies, she’s got only good things to say about their no-nonsense parenting strategies: “Hell yeah, black women will hit your kids. Black women will hit your adults!”
Cold comfort: She claimed once in an interview that “my ass is getting smaller and smaller... I almost lost enough weight to get a white guy to do me.”

Gays

Stereotype: If one thing can help one of the last groups in America still without basic civil rights forget their injustices, it’s quirky one-liners like “I’m not sayin’ Andy Dick is gay, but I will say he’s been known to guess the flavor of a Popsicle just by sitting on it.” Take that, Popsicle-eaters!
Cold comfort: “If it wasn’t for these fags, us fat chicks would have no friends!”

Jews

Stereotype: Lampanelli certainly has her fair share of ways to mock her Jewish fans, but she prefers to stick to the more tried-and-true ways of pointing out their clichéd foibles: “If a Jew walks into a wall with a hard-on, he breaks his fucking nose.” 
Cold comfort: Certainly, she isn’t mining new territory here, but by ribbing her other fans to remember that “once you go Jew, the money comes through,” it’s a veritable celebration of the entire rainbow of stereotypes, both positive and negative.

Cranky old white guys

Stereotype: It doesn’t take much to provoke Lampanelli—beyond buying tickets and sitting down—so anyone stupid enough to actually start shit with her is basically stepping in front of a contempt-driven steamroller, surrounded by people who want to see him get crushed. Last year, a man heckled her at a show in Pennsylvania—apparently even got in her face. She dispatched him with instructions to “die of cancer of the ass,” and withheld the usual friendly chaser.
Cold comfort: Well, you’ll miss out on all the material she improvises out of it after you leave.

Italians

Stereotype: Anyone who watched The Sopranos should be pretty familiar with all the negative connotations of being an Italian. Take your pick, but Lampanelli instead zeroes in on their stereotyped ability to romanticize everything. One time, when her mother said, “We laugh so hard, the tears roll down our legs,” a stunned Lampanelli replied, “No, that’s just pissing yourself!”
Cold comfort: Lighten up, people. They’re just jokes.

Asians

Stereotype: Few things are as delightfully touchy as the backward slang of the Vietnam War, especially when combined with every other epithet in the book: “I love Filipinos. They have gook eyes, black asses, spic complexions, and they act like fags. They are the Swiss Army Knives of minorities.”
Cold comfort: At least if you’re of another Asian persuasion, she doesn’t always strike too close to home by singling out specific nationalities. Or as she puts it, “Fuck it, it’s all Chink to me.”