What's So Funny? Eat, drink, and sell out your local sports team

My favorite moment during any Denver Nuggets game comes when professional doofus Chris Marlowe leans over to former NBA player doofus Scott Hastings and excitedly announces, “That might just be a candidate for the Lexus Drive Of The Game!” Because he always seems so relieved to have a candidate. As if, up until that point, he had just been a nervous wreck, unable to think straight because there had yet to be a candidate for the Lexus goddamn Drive Of The Game. They already have the money from Lexus, and if there’s no drive of the game, then Old Man Lexus would probably have his knees broke. And what would Marlowe do then?

Continue mocking the promotion, that’s what. It’s a shallow marketing scheme—we all know this and Marlowe probably does too. But he also knows that he’s got to hype it every single game, because Lexus cut his bosses a fat check, and his bosses said, “Dance, monkey, dance!” So, Marlowe loses his mind every single game for the Lexus Drive Of The Game. And for the Mattress King Rejection Of The Game. And for the Trinidad Institute Of Sex Reassignment Surgery Crossover Dribble Of The Game.

Okay, not that last one.

Still, Marlowe and Hastings are operating in an era of ridiculous promotions in sports. And it’s all Taco Bell’s fault. Remember when the Colorado Rockies played the Red Sox in the 2007 World Series? Remember that bizarre promotion where if a player stole a base, all of America got free tacos the next day? Seems like a long time ago, doesn’t it? Now we don’t even blink when we get four tacos for a buck because the Nuggets scored 100 points or the Rockies scored seven runs or someone watched a hockey game or Ben Roethlisberger had consensual sex. It’s become part of the sports landscape. Taco Bell ingeniously realized that a promotion doesn’t have to make any sense. People just like free tacos. Or free anything. 

To wit: Text 95323 during the first inning of a Rockies game and you can be entered into a drawing for free pizzas from Domino’s! Texting that number will also get you on the list to receive texts from the Rockies informing you of when they have scored enough runs to cram your fat American face full of taco meat. But it gets better: If the Rockies happen to hit a home run during the seventh inning this season, your ass gets a free Whopper from Burger King the next day! Provided, of course, you purchase a drink. It doesn’t take a Top Chef to envision that fateful day when the Rockies score seven runs, hit a homer in the seventh inning, the Nuggets put up 100 points, and someone watches the Avalanche. That’s, like, 12 tacos, a Whopper, and a drink! And all because of the athletic achievement of physically superior men who would never eat such trash in the first place! Jesus bless America!

You can’t blame the announcers for marinating their delivery of above offers in the thickest of sarcasm. The promotions are so ridiculous they’re almost insulting. And they’re not going anywhere. They’re insanely popular. So enjoy the subtle disdain, I say. Because the next generation of shot-callers won’t even remember a time when cellulite-peddlers didn’t sponsor every shot, hit, goal, or touchdown. They’ll just thank KFC for making that athletic feat happen without a hint of irony. And the next day we’ll all line up for our free Double Downs.