Fame in a bottle
Celebrities really can do (and sell) anything if they put their minds to it
Even in his vineyard, Maynard James Keenan still manages to pull off an intimidating brood.
Cheap clothes, frozen dinners, beef jerky: Of all the products celebrities attach their names to, none is more apt than alcohol. Famous people, after all, spend more of their time than most surrounded by parties and drinking. But where some bad habits reap nothing but rehab, others morph into fresh marketing opportunities. Maynard James Keenan of the prog-metal juggernaut Tool is the most recent celeb to start his own booze brand—and with Keenan appearing at the Tamarac Whole Foods at 4:30 p.m. this Thursday and Friday to promote his new wine, The A.V. Club raises a glass to famous folks who just can’t let go of the bottle.
Maynard James Keenan, Arizona Stronghold Vineyards
The idea of Keenan—frontman of the spooky, grinding Tool—as a genteel winemaker might seem odd at first. After all, the man sometimes looks like a transgendered Kabuki ghost onstage, and now we’re supposed to picture him as a beret-wearing farmer gently tending his grapes? Yet that’s apparently pretty close to Keenan’s current lifestyle. The reclusive singer is almost 45 years old, the perfect age for a budding winemaker. His new enterprise is Arizona Stronghold Vineyards, and it appears he knows what he’s talking about: He’s blogged about his wine adventures for Wine Spectator, and with Arizona Stronghold he has a clear vision for his vino. ASV’s blended whites and reds are minimally processed, maintaining “their natural vitality and character.” The vineyard’s credo also touts sustainability and helps prop up Arizona’s winemaking culture.
Dan Aykroyd, Crystal Head Vodka
Just like earnest Ray Stantz, his character in Ghostbusters, Dan Aykroyd is passionate about the paranormal—so much so that his Crystal Head Vodka is named after the cranial artifacts made famously boring by Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull. The skulls really do exist, and UFO types say they were planted on Earth by an alien race millennia ago. As Aykroyd explains on crystalheadvodka.com, the crystal skulls are thought to be “sources of knowledge, insight, and power.” So why not make some fake glass ones and fill them with hootch? Crystal Head is made in Aykroyd’s native Canada and triple-filtered using “Herkimer diamonds”—which are really just quartz crystals. Despite Aykroyd’s loopy video pitch on the site, his product seems to be selling well. Those crystal skulls may represent, as its maker claims, wisdom and enlightenment, but the vodka inside them is still nothing but happy-dumb-dumb juice.
Vince Neil, Tres Rios Tequila
Following in the footsteps of fellow bloated has-been Sammy Hagar, Mötley Crüe frontman Vince Neil is on the shelves of liquor stores nationwide with his own brand of tequila. And like Hagar’s Cabo Wabo, Neil’s Tres Rios is expensive—especially for a liquor endorsed by an aging hair-metal hero. Unlike Cabo Wabo, though, Tres Rios doesn’t have much cred yet, and it doesn’t help that the bottle’s packaging features a dopey picture of Neil hoisting a margarita glass. You don’t drink your own tequila straight, Vince? That’s a bad sign for the rest of us. This isn’t Neil’s first foray into the liquor business, either. Disturbingly, he also dipped his toe in winemaking in 2003 with Vince Vineyards, which resulted in a cabernet sauvignon and a chardonnay. Maybe he would have had more luck if he’d labeled them Hooker Sweat and Leather Pants.
