Jock Itch Fantasy football is not a lost Ursula K. Le Guin novel

The ultra-competitive statistical wankfest that is fantasy football has come a long way since its inception in the 1960s. If you’ve never played, it’s like Dungeons & Dragons had a one-night stand with a football-obsessed super-stat computer. And every year around this time, fantasy football starts to dominate every sports conversation, even as the real game gets ready to kick-off a new season, and everywhere people start preparing their drafts and debating the merits of Tom Brady’s surgically repaired knee.

Never mind if you’re even a fan of Brady’s team, the New England Patriots. You just need the golden boy to throw three touchdowns a game to keep you in the running for your league’s top spot. If you play, you already know this. But if you’ve ever felt uncomfortable concern when people start talking about their “flex players,” you need a primer.

The basics: You select from various teams a roster of players, who then accumulate points based on their statistics during a game. Those points are then compared against another fantasy football player’s team, which you're competing against that week. If you win, your record improves just like the real game. Do well enough and you play the other top performers at the end of the regular season for a championship that could involve money or a real neat trophy.

Oh, it’s geeky alright. But instead of hiding out in your parent’s basement under bad lighting, bad skin, and the toxic sheen of Doritos dust, fantasy football is done right out in the open, often with a live draft party. I love fantasy football for this, because it’s a way to get involved in the game on an even deeper level than just watching it on TV. Oh, and also for the glory of beating other grown men (and women?) at something where the only running required is to the bathroom after mainlining cheese dip all Sunday afternoon.

Indigestion isn't the only thing to look out for, though. There are many sketchy characters to avoid. Here’s a short list.

The Shit Talker: This guy takes every opportunity to try and raise the hackles of everyone in the league. His smack talk is always pretty contrived and since the Shit Talker never wins the league, his verbal salvos carry little weight. After enduring his nonsense over the week, be cordial after you beat him. He won’t respond at all, and that’s the best revenge you can hope for.

The Gridiron Guru: This guy knows everything about fantasy football, but probably hasn’t touched an actual football since John Elway first donned the orange and blue. He can tell you exactly why you shouldn’t take a quarterback too soon in the draft, but inexplicably comes up short when asked why he hasn’t had a girlfriend in the last decade.

The Ghost: This fantasy football player signs up for your league and then you never hear from him again. You can tell because he’s starting a running back that got hurt in the first week and has been out ever since. The Ghost is frustrating because he’s taking up a spot someone else could use and he has players you’d like to get your hands on. The positive is you’re typically guaranteed a victory that week (the Ghost doesn’t replace a player on a bye week), but the negative is that if the Ghost starts to win, you’re getting beaten by air.

The Punching Bag: This guy can never seem to draft a good team, which subsequently gives everyone an easy victory once a week. He’s into playing fantasy football, but he just can’t figure out how to do it. The bottom of the barrel is where the Punching Bag resides, but year after year, he’ll be back and you can’t deny his unflappable spirit or the cheap win he serves up.

The Lucky Bastard: Every year I’ve played fantasy football some lucky son-of-a-bitch has gotten a great game out of some random player and buried me. The Lucky Bastard doesn’t necessarily do anything right or wrong, he just stumbles into the right chain of events (usually when he’s playing me). That’s when he suddenly morphs into the Shit Talker. Which then prompts this exchange: “Oh, your kicker had a 24-point day and I’m the one who sucks?” Yeah, he’s a delight.

You can join the first ever Jock Itch fantasy football league and put your money where your cheese dip goes. It’s free and easy and the only requirement is that you’re not a Ghost. There will be prizes (Onion schwag, concert tickets, gift cards to local establishments, and so on) and, of course, the huge bragging rights that come with victory. I’ll also post results at the bottom of this column throughout the season. Sign up by sending an e-mail to editorial@denver.decider.com with "Jock Itch Fantasy Football" in the subject line. The first nine people to respond will get a spot in the league. Good luck!