News Net Feds tilting at marijuana windmills, Republicans working for you, and more

Since sifting through dull newspapers, hyperbolic blogs, and overflowing RSS feeds for meaningful news can be an arduous process, News Net catches and compiles both the amusing and the significant reports that were overlooked throughout the work week. Here are some things to think about as the weekend begins.

• Federal law enforcement proved again this week that it has its finger on the pulse of what’s really threatening the US when it announced its intention to forcibly close any medical marijuana dispensary within 1,000 feet of a school. Thank God someone at the national level is taking such a keen interest in minor, local zoning issues. Now if we can just get the EPA to serve a cease-and-desist to that lady on the bus that insists on bathing in cheap, toxic perfume.

• Speaking of government working for you, Republicans in the state legislature have responded to the worst economic situation in the past 75 years by proposing a slate of laws allowing anyone to carry a gun pretty much wherever the fuck they want, and to use it with as few restrictions as possible. Makes sense, right?

• A man in Colorado Springs was arrested early this morning after he allegedly hit two pedestrians, drove off, and was forced to stop because his car was on fire. And you thought your commute was tough.

• A school in the small town of Monte Vista, Colorado—and more than a dozen more elsewhere in the state—may have to be closed due to construction flaws that make it likely to collapse if the wind blows more than 25 mph. This is why you never build schools out of straw or sticks. Any little pig could have told you that.

• If your darling Fido is a big, fat fuck, Colorado State University wants you. The school is seeking overweight pooches to test a new dog food aimed at improving your not-so-little mutt’s health.