Jock Itch Finding the lesser of two evils in the NHL and NBA finals

By now the players from the Denver Nuggets and the Colorado Avalanche have been on vacation for several weeks—the Avs were really done in February. That numb feeling you had in your gut from having their seasons go up in flames is starting to fade, and if your attention has wandered from a certain underperforming baseball team, you might want to check back in on the NBA and NHL. But when you have no one to root for, it’s hard to decide which team you should throw your allegiance behind.

The Stanley Cup Finals feature the Vancouver Canucks and an upstart Boston Bruins squad competing for the greatest prize in sports: the Stanley Cup, a 3-foot-tall hunk of silver (and nickel alloy, for the hockey snobs) inscribed with the names of legendary players who’ve won it before. Seeing a player hoist it above his head for the first time will give you the chills, and having your team win it can be emotionally draining.

So who do you root for in the Stanley Cup Finals? Hockey fans in Denver have been going around and around about this one. Some feel it’s okay to root for the Canucks, but this is simply blasphemy for any Avalanche fan. The Canucks are not only a divisional rival, but were the team responsible for nearly killing Avs forward Steve Moore back in 2004, and while most of those goons have moved on, the team, the city, and its fans shouldn’t be rewarded with their first cup. Having one of your chief rivals sip champagne from Lord Stanley would be a bitter pill for fans of the burgundy and blue.

I’m sure they share a lot of the same obnoxious, overcompensating fans, but the Bruins are not the Boston Red Sox. And since we probably owe them for the whole Ray Bourque thing, you should be rooting for Boston. Bourque defected to the Avs in 2000 because he felt he’d never win a cup with the Bruins. He was right, and after a season and half in Denver, he finally got to kiss the cup at Pepsi Center. It was 11 years ago since the Bourque trade, and this is as close as Boston has gotten in a while, so our support is the least we can lend the Bruins.

Basketball isn’t that easy to decide. You’re forgiven for despising both teams in the NBA finals, because there are countless reasons to do so. Normally, I’d never root for any team from Texas, but this year I’m making an exception. The obvious reason is because the Dallas Mavericks are playing the Miami Heat, and if you’ve even vaguely paid attention to sports in the last year, you’d know LeBron James is one huge douche bag. LeBron’s “Decision” is making it very easy to root against the Heat, but there is another reason you can finally get behind a team from—gulp—Dallas: Mark Cuban.

Yep. The Mavs owner is reviled by most, but how would you act if you owned your favorite team? Most owners are stuffed shirts who watch the action from a skybox like some modern day emperor not wanting to get blood on his suit. Not Cuban: He sits on the court, bitches and moans about the refs, and gets fined amounts that would cripple most of our bank accounts for years to come. He acts just like a fan would, and that’s why I hope he wins one. It’s also widely known that NBA commissioner David Stern despises Cuban, and watching him hand over that bulbous championship trophy would totally be worth tuning in.

When your home teams suck, and you have no rooting interest, you have to find ways to make it interesting. It’s going to be a long stretch before any Denver team is represented in these playoffs, so ease your pain by supporting the lesser of two evils in the respective leagues. It may not feel right, but as a Denver sports fan, you really can’t go wrong.