Jock Itch Getting a rise out of the Colorado Rockies 

The first month and a half of the Colorado Rockies season is like that Viagra commercial where the old man can’t get it up, and his reflection urges him to talk to a doctor. Limp and powerless, we’ve been quietly urging our team to get things right through weeks of unsatisfying baseball. But now, with things finally starting to look up, it’s more like those Cialis commercials: Bluesy jazz is playing in the background, and knowing looks are being shared in matching clawfoot tubs as the team starts to get it on—and it’s about time.

Some fans are concerned by the Rockies’ early-season troubles—these fans have apparently never seen them play in April and May. They always suck this time of year, and for the past couple of seasons, usually don’t shed their losing ways until June at the earliest. Those that bought into the premature hype—the team was all but crowned NL West champs, and there was even talk of (gulp) going all the way to the World Series before the season even started—were rewarded with mediocre spring baseball that left the team hovering just above the .500 mark. Just like always.

Carlos Gonzalez and Miguel Olivio have been godsends. But one of the reasons the Rockies have been flaccid so far this season is because run-driving stalwarts like Todd Helton and Troy Tulowitzki have been shadows of their former ball-clobbering selves. Helton (still without a home run) is 36 and has a gimpy back, though Tulowitzki’s troubles are more of a concern. Tulowitzki’s been walking to Miley Cyrus’ “Party In The USA” as of late, which signals that he might have lost his damn mind as well as his swing.

The Rockies’ defense—a staple of the team and one of the reasons it made it to the World Series a few years back—has been as shaky as a homemade ladder in a hurricane. The team has racked up 23 errors so far, and for all the pride it has in covering up bad pitching, these mistakes are coming back at it.

Ubaldo Jimenez has been great—he leads the league with seven wins—but the rest of the staff is a grab bag of inconsistency. Aaron Cook, while not atrocious, has only one win and isn’t starting on too many fantasy baseball teams. Jeff Francis looked great on Sunday after not playing for close to two seasons, but there’s no way of knowing if he can fully regain his winning form. The rest of the staff is either hurt, unproven, or a collection of noodle-armed game-blowers. If the Rockies were hitting with any consistency, this wouldn’t be a problem. But in a close game, there’s always a glimmer of hope for the other team when one of the relievers jogs out to the mound, handing out runs like they were candy. Or Viagra at an old folks’ home.

Which takes us back to erectile dysfunction. If the Denver Broncos are the premature ejaculators of Colorado sports, then the Rockies are the ones having trouble getting it up at all. The fans are waiting patiently like the attractive, middle-aged wife in the commercials—a little anxious that it’s taken this long, but relieved that there seems to be something brewing down at Coors Field. How long we will have to sit in these clawfoot tubs, though, remains to be seen.