Hot Lixx Hulahan's top air guitar picks  

With all its perks—adoring fans, world travel, big paydays—and none of the hassles of mastering an instrument, earning an Air Guitar World Championship might be more rewarding than becoming an actual rock star. But before you go trading your cubicle for spandex and hair extensions, know this: The place most novice air guitarists fuck up is on their choice of songs. After all, you can't just get up onstage and pretend to play boring old "Layla." You need a song with style and panache, which two-time U.S. Air Guitar champion and defending world champion Hot Lixx Hulahan (a.k.a. Craig Billmeier) possesses in spades. Decider, in advance of tonight's Air Guitar Championships at the Bluebird Theater, asked Hulahan to share his best and worst song choices for aspiring Air Guitarists.

You wanted the best, you got the best: Hulahan's surefire winners
Think dramatic, like the Toadies' “Plane Crash”
Hulahan assumed Air Guitar world domination with this track off the Texas rockers' long-delayed Hell Above/Stars Below, all the while showing off his expertise in dramatic structuring. “I like to create a three-act play on stage,” Hulahan says. “'Plane Crash' starts out a little overexcited, manic, and stressful. Right away you are rocking hard. Then, you get a little break between the guitar buzz”—note the showy toss-and-catch around 0:46—“and finally, you just have to fall down on your knees and get nasty with it.” Which, of course, could be said of most songs in the Toadies' catalog.

Start with some flamenco, and then kill 'em all with some Metallica, specifically “The Shortest Straw”
Most flamenco guitarists could knock Yngwie Malmsteen on his wanky ass, and it's those flashy, physical attributes of the music that attracted Hulahan. “Flamenco opens the door for theatrics, and if you're in this competition, everything you do should be a little ridiculous,” he says. “Flamenco is high drama. Lots of potential weeping. Try to connect eye-to-eye with anyone, and use a wrist-whip type of strumming.”

But like the saffron in your paella valenciana, flamenco is to be used sparingly; note that after 22 furious seconds, the sombrero gets stripped right the hell off—not that it's a particularly reverent sartorial choice to begin with, but nothing is sacred in air guitar. “If only Carlos Montoya were still with us today to hear his music so lovingly bastardized,” Hulahan says.    

When in doubt, try anything by Girl Talk
Taking no issue with the ol' po-mo cut-and-paste, Hulahan points to mash-up maven Gregg Gillis as a potential source of inspiration. “I've seen people do amazing things with mash-ups—I'm trying to practice some myself,” he says. “U.S. Air Guitar is looking for someone who can do anything. Your song doesn't even have to have an actual guitar in it. So if you're gunning to win, choose something a little less orthodox.” UGK rhyming about Benzos and hookers over The Spencer Davis Group unorthodox enough for you? 

You're your own worst enemy, and cheap thrills bring you to your knees: Hulahan's songs to avoid
Van Halen, "Eruption"
Air guitar promoters ought to take a cue from Wayne's World and start posting "No 'Eruption'" signs at shows. “This is the number one no-go,” says Hot Lixx.  “It doesn't get anymore cliché than that.” Air guitarists should think show, not shred, and Guitar World workouts like "Eruption" too often lend themselves to slavish recreations. The siren song of Eddie Van Halen is enough to bring any air guitar enthusiast to his or her leather-clad knees, but you're not there to hit! Every! Note! Technically, you're not hitting anything, so do like Hulahan and choose a song that allows for more “interpretive dance.”

Anything by Nirvana
You could totally wail on “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” and you memorized that sick solo at the end of “In Bloom” ages ago, but as any good VH1 documentary will tell you, Nevermind killed the kind of over-the-top rock 'n' roll showmanship that sustains air guitar. And all apologies to "Weird Al" Yankovic, but there's just no room for goofing around within the canon of St. Kurt. “There's not enough irony there,” Hulahan says. “The impulse is understandable, sure. But think big—big hair, big body movements, big strutting. Nirvana is anti-strut. And you want, more than anything, gratuitous strut in everything you do.”

Any song by bands who never hired a stylist
It's not just Nirvana. That need for "strut" pretty much nullifies anyone from the grunge movement.  “A competition like this is full contact, so much so that people have sustained injuries: a broken ankle, a broken knee, and a fractured arm,” Hulahan says. (One air guitar competitor even lost her toe.) “With that in mind,” he laughs, “remember that street clothes are for the street. Fancy pants—or no pants—are for the stage." In that case, it might be time to brush off that copy of Diamonds And Pearls.