How not to suck (or, at least, suck less) at stand-up comedy

Stand-up comedy: You love it, but you probably just shouldn’t do it—or so says local comedian Greg Baumhauer, host of the notoriously caustic open-mic comedy night every Tuesday at the Squire Lounge. The weekly slaughter of first-time comics can be brutal at the East Colfax dive, but the spot is also a training ground for promising new, local talent and has even showcased such vets as Josh Blue and Ben Kronberg, as well as A.V. Club’s own Adam Cayton-Holland. If you think you have what it takes to sling jokes for drunks, you might want to read this first. Baumhauer—who was recently laid off from his day job as a drag-queen waitress—offers up these tips for aspiring comedians, like laying off the sauce and how fucking everybody can be bad for your career.

1. Don’t do stand-up comedy.
Greg Baumhauer: Seriously, 99 percent of you fucking suck and are never going to get good. After a while you can get decent, but you’ll still be shitty. You’ll be mastering the art of making really crappy faces or something. Comedy sucks. Stay out of it.

2. Don’t steal jokes.
GB: That’s something that’ll ruin you forever. Even if you’re nervous your first time up, you just cannot do it.

3. Don’t perform too drunk.
GB: That’s something a lot of guys do, because they’re nervous. But, you know, the nerves are good. You use that energy; give your performance a little power.

4. Don’t get a girlfriend or a boyfriend.
GB: It’s awful, because you’re out most nights of the week. And if you have plans, you might have to drop them at the last minute to go and drive an hour to do 30 minutes for $10, or something. And for new female comics: Don’t fuck anybody. I mean, don’t fuck comedians. You can fuck other dudes, but do not fuck male comics. You want to be taken seriously, and if you just start fucking all the guys, then you’re just going be a comedy hot potato.

5. Don’t go up there every time with brand-new material.
GB: This is a mistake I see a lot of guys do. They bring all their friends, and they feel bad if their friends hear the same jokes, but you know what? Fuck your friends. You have to be able to go up there and tell the same jokes over and over again until you can tell them backwards; you [need to be able to] tell them if you’re in a shitty mood or fucking hungover or whatever. You have to learn how to tell a joke. That’s a lot harder than people think it is.

6. Don’t move to L.A. or New York.
GB: Get good here first. Denver’s a great comedy city. We like smart humor. We like edgy kind of stuff. If you’re dark or you’re dirty, we like it. We got places like the Squire, places you can really develop. If you move to L.A., you’re just going to be another dude telling dick jokes.

7. Don’t get caught up in the highs and lows.
GB: When you kill, when you do great, it’s the best feeling in the world. But when you eat shit, it’s awful. You can’t sleep that night. So don’t get caught up in it. Just concentrate on the act of doing it, the craft. I’ve seen some really talented people that just couldn’t deal with eating shit. Which is why I like to host the Squire the way I do it, because when you eat shit at the Squire, I’m there to go after you and make you feel even worse, fucking rub some salt in it.

8. Don’t have a hyphenated last name.
GB: Not only does it make you a douchebag, it makes you a descendent of douchebags. And play up the Jew thing, if you can. It’s always good. Definitely. Everyone loves that.

9. Don’t listen to anybody’s advice.
GB: Including me. Especially me. You've got to figure it out for yourself. I mean, there’s certain tricks of the trade you can learn, but as far as advice on your material, don’t listen to anybody. Because you’ve got to figure out who you are as a comedian, what your voice is, what you’re trying to present to the crowd. So don’t listen to anybody—none of them know anything, especially older comics.