How to be successful (and get laid) in college
As if the crisp air and the falling yellow leaves weren’t enough to indicate that the glorious days of summer are coming to an end, giant billboards urging Colorado State to “Protect the Fort” have gone up all over the city, reminding us that the green-and-yellow big-horn sheep of Fort Collins will soon do battle with the black-and-yellow buffalo herd of Boulder in the annual fall classic between the state’s two safety schools. And while I don’t know exactly what it means to protect the fort, I’m pretty sure it’s a slogan for college abstinence, with “fort” representing the “vagina.” Regardless, those billboards might as well simply declare, “Welcome back to school, everyone! Sorry you didn’t work harder in high school and have to go here.”
But allow me to place my elitism aside in this satin-lined, ivory case, because here at What’s So Funny, back to school unilaterally means back to cool, and that goes for wherever you seek to higher your education, even if that institution doesn’t question the use of “higher” as a verb. And even though it’s been quite some time since your boy graduated from college—back then they still offered courses explaining why black people make better athletes than white people—I’m here with all of the knowledge I've accrued to offer up some helpful tips that will help you have the coolest year of college ever! (If you go to Metro State, the deal is even sweeter for you, because that means my helpful tips will help you have the coolest nine years of college ever!)
Don’t protect your fort
Okay, once you’ve let down the drawbridge and the invading Mongol throngs have crossed over the moat, then for sure use protection on your fort—lest your fort begin to resemble some herpes-spackled citadel. But do let down that drawbridge. Don’t have any qualms about being a total whore, at least not early on in your college years. You know that girl on your hall that you kind of want to bang, but you're unsure because it might mess up your friendship? You know that cute boy who has the girlfriend back home, and the two of you definitely have chemistry, but you want to respect his relationship? Bang them. Bang them early and often, and then move on because none of it matters. You are a silly 18-year-old with unreasonable Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants 2 expectations. They won’t come true, so get over it. Plus, you know an excuse that always works? I'm just a silly 18-year-old who didn’t know any better. And that excuse pretty much works all the way through age 21.
Follow the leader
Instead of spending long hours perusing the course schedule, focus instead on one professor you like and follow him or her from class to class, like some sort of brain-slut spreading your intellectual legs o’er and o’er again. If you’re new to school, ask around, but if you’ve locked on to a teacher whose lectures you enjoy, take everything that fucker offers. A truly great professor is hard to come by, and while expertise around the subject is crucial, equally important is the ability to inspire and enthrall. That skill isn’t taught, and a great professor will be able to carry it from course to course. Odds are most of those courses will probably fall within your major anyway. I wish someone had told me that one earlier.
Be a kid in a candy store
I understand that many of you may not have a lot of money and simply need to get in there, put your head down, and work steadfastly towards a degree in your chosen field. Bully for you. But you know what? I’d play around a little. Granted, these words come from a liberal arts school veteran, but any wiggle room in your schedule should be viewed as an opportunity to dominate the monkey bars on an intellectual playground the likes of which you will probably never see again. Not only will this serve as a way to scratch certain academic itches, it will also open you up to a whole world outside your major, new students, and groups of students all eagerly awaiting for you to not protect your fort.
So, go get 'em, class of 2013. Remember to have fun and take chances and never take yourself too seriously. That goes for you too, Metro students! Take those chances all the way to 2018!
