How to hang out with famous people
Keith Garcia of the Starz Denver Film Society, Starz FilmCenter, Starz Denver Film Festival
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Despite Denver’s consistent progress—we now got ourselves us a Super Target and a P.F. Chang’s!—this city still sorely lacks in celebrities. Ever read the local gossip columns? They’re pathetic. Some spotlight-seeking half-wit takes 15th on Dancing With America’s Biggest Losers, and the paper gives him a two-page spread—and not just because that’s how many pages it takes to fit the flesh-bucket into a photo. But you can’t blame the gossip columnists. There’s very little for them to work with, as Denver really only has two celebrities: John Elway and the police officer from the Rocky’s Autos commercials. As a result of this dearth of beautiful people, when actual celebrities pass through, we flip our shit. I’m no different. At an after-party during the Democratic National Convention, Anne Hathaway asked me for a cigarette, and I was so nervous I began sprinting in tight, concentric circles and shrieking like a car alarm.
Fortunately, I’ll soon get another chance to assert myself and hobnob with the fabulous at the 32nd Starz Denver Film Festival. The 10-day event, which includes daily screenings and a slew of parties and award ceremonies, starts next Thursday, Nov. 12, and with it the corresponding wave of industry insiders and famous folk (like Ed Harris). Although the rest of us may gawk at all of it, it’s old hat to Keith Garcia, programming manager at the Denver Film Society. He’s worked the festival for the past six years, keeping tabs on the programs and on all the after-hours goings-on, and he does it year after year with a disaffected cool. He shared with me recently some of his accrued celebrity-handling wisdom, like who’s a Hollywood asshole and what to do if Chloë Sevigny starts acting like a bitch.
What’s So Funny: I heard a rumor that downtown homeowners associations have not been pleased with some of these wild festival after-parties? Any plans to tone that down this year?
Keith Garcia: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over all this music. [Hollers to the back.] Can you guys keep it down back there? Is that “Poker Face?” Oh my God, that’s my jam! [Turns back.] Sorry about that—you were saying?
WSF: What’s the biggest faux pas that fans make around famous people?
KG: Forgetting that they’re actually just regular folks like you and I. And that you’re probably the 20th person that day to tell Tim Robbins that you think Susan Sarandon was so hot in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
WSF: Say you find yourself in a conversation with someone famous—let’s say Chloë Sevigny. What are some tips for maintaining your composure and coming off as cool and above it all?
KG: I would say hello, offer her a compliment on her work on Big Love, ask her how she likes Denver, and try not to bring up the fact that she once gave a blowjob to Vincent Gallo onscreen.
WSF: If she’s acting holier-than-thou, is it kosher to point out that she got AIDS in Kids?
KG: Sure, and remind her that she gave a blowjob to Vincent Gallo onscreen.
WSF: Do you think Chloë Sevigny would have sex with me?
KG: Adam, you know that I think you are one of the most handsome so-and-sos in this town. I would totally have sex with you… I mean, yeah, you could totally hit that.
WSF: Have you ever found yourself star-struck at the festival?
KG: I’ve still been floored by meeting and interviewing animator Don Hertzfeldt [Billy’s Balloon, Rejected]. He’s not a giant star to the world, but he is in my book.
WSF: Ever seen any ungodly acts of assholish Hollywood pomposity at one of these parties?
KG: Yes.
WSF: You don’t have to say who it was, but was it Will Smith?
KG: Yes!
WSF: What is the penalty for trying to get someone to read your shitty screenplay at an after-party?
KG: We actually have a squad of heavily armed agents that can drop from the ceiling at a moment’s notice and have been trained to shoot on site. It saves you the embarrassment.
WSF: What’s the appropriate attire?
KG: Well, clothes. But if you think Zooey Deschanel would be embarrassed by your Slayer T-shirt/corduroy/Crocs combo, then I would pick something else.
WSF: Do you think Zooey Deschanel would have sex with me?
KG: She’d be a moron not to! I mean, look at you. You’ve got such amazing eyes. Has anyone ever told you that? I feel like they just pierce right into my soul.
WSF: In your tenure with the festival, what is your all-time favorite moment?
KG: The aforementioned evening with Don Hertzfeldt. And bringing out Ari Lehman, the original Jason from Friday The 13th. I’m easy to please. Some folks at SDFF like their Morgan Freemans and their Kevin Bacons and their Dennis Hoppers. I like any moment that you can get an entire audience to wear a hockey mask and all make the “kil-kil-kil-kil-ma-ma-ma-ma” sound in unison.
WSF: If you've never been to one of the after-parties, why should you go?
KG: Until the trained squad shoots a bullet into your cranium, you still might get someone to read your crappy screenplay.
WSF: Is everyone in Hollywood on coke?
KG: No! Can you believe it? They’ve moved onto vodka, which is the new coke. We had to order two whole semi-trucks of Ketel One this year! Crazy!
WSF: Do you think Natalie Portman would have sex with me?
KG: Absolutely not. She’s way out of your league.
