Mile High Sci-Fi’s 10 tips to avoid getting eaten by Snowbeast

This month, the men of Mile High Sci-Fi are tackling one of the biggest problems Colorado has ever faced: the Snowbeast. As chronicled in the 1977 made-for-TV movie Snowbeast, the titular creature is a blood-thirsty monster that prowls the slopes of Crested Butte looking for fresh game (i.e. skiers). Tonight and tomorrow, at the Denver FilmCenter/Colfax (and again April 2 in a special encore presentation in Crested Butte), Mile High Sci-Fi will be presenting its own “comedically restored” take on the film. (This means they’re going to make fun of it while it plays.)

As an added bonus, Mile High Sci-Fi is giving away a two-day ski trip to Crested Butte each night to whoever comes up in the most horrifically ugly ski outfit. (Time to raid your parents’ collection of vintage ’80s skiwear, kids!) In the meantime, to help keep you safe on the slopes (and to convince you to come out for the movie), Matt Vogl of the Mile High crew offers these 10 tips to keep you from becoming a Snowbeast snack.

Dress appropriately.
“The first one is to dress so as not to look too delicious. I don’t think Snowbeast likes earth tones; from what we’ve seen, he likes to go for bright orange one-pieces.”

Everybody must get stoned.
“Marijuana is a good natural repellent. That’s what the people of Crested Butte seem to be implying, with great frequency. So if you go off into the woods on a ski run, and you see people smoking pot, it’s just because they’re trying to keep Snowbeast away. That’s just from [what we’ve observed firsthand] in Crested Butte—there’s nothing like that in the movie.”

Be manly.
“[Snowbeasts] seem to go for women. Being male or looking butch is a good tip [to keep them away].”

Leave the guns at home (but grab a rock).
“[Snowbeasts] don’t seem fazed by firearms. But, allegedly, one woman in the movie says she scared him away by throwing rocks. So, not afraid of guns—guns no, rocks yes. Go figure.”

Stay upright.
“Don’t fall, because Snowbeast seems to be attracted to yard sales. Two of the people that he attacks in the movie, they fell, had a yard sale, and he went after them. [A yard sale] is where you fall skiing and your shit flies everywhere—then other skiers go by and they yell, “Yard sale!” instead of offering help. Snowbeast likes the yard sales.”

No Winter Carnival!
“Steer clear of the Crested Butte Winter Carnival, for two reasons. One, because Snowbeast attacked it and will likely attack again. And two, because it looks like the most boring event that humans have ever conceived. It makes sing-along hour at a nursing home seem like a party. The whole movie, they talk about this big winter carnival, you know, like, ‘Oh, why did Snowbeast have to attack during the big winter carnival that sustains the whole tourism industry in Crested Butte?’ And then they show it, and it’s like a high-school band and about 10 old ladies hanging balloons in this high-school gym, and a throne made out of cardboard for the carnival queen, and that’s it. Getting eaten by Snowbeast would probably be a good thing, if you were having to sit in there and endure that.”

Ski only in popular areas.
“Ski in Summit County—go to Breckenridge, because Snowbeast hates crowds. [Solo skiers] are all that’s in this movie. It’s so low budget, they filmed it all after the lifts had closed. Which means two things—one, in every ski shot there’s the actor on the slopes and that’s it, and these empty lifts. [Two], the sun is going down in like every shot—they filmed it all in late afternoon.”

No delicious headwear.
“Don’t wear a bacon hat.”

Don’t go it alone.
“Don’t ever, ever watch this movie without the protection of Mile High Sci-Fi. We’re going up there April 2 to bring the fight to Snowbeast.”