What's So Funny? No rest stops for the wicked or in need

Just beyond Larkspur, southbound I-25, milemarker 171.5.

People don’t shit here anymore like they used to. No sir, used to be a time when this rest area was a veritable stool hootenanny, the only place to catch a fecal breather from Castle Rock sheer to Colorado Springs. But it wasn’t just defecation that took place here, there was urination too. Picnic tables and parking spots for idling, chain stations where truckers could pull over and station chains. This Larkspur respite was a wooded, shady beacon for many drifting southbound out of Denver. It was a place to stop, a place to rest: It was a rest stop.

But that’s all changed. The rest stop, built in 1968—its accompanying northbound partner across the interstate was built in 1974—has sat boarded up and dormant for more than a year now. State budget shortfalls led to department cutbacks that led to the elimination of two rest stops: one on U.S. 34 in northeastern Colorado, the other one this stop right here in Larkspur. Colorado’s transportation department isn’t the only one tightening its belt. Last year Arizona had to close 13 of its 18 roadside shitters, leaving its senile, incontinent citizens clenching steering wheels with white knuckles, frantically scanning the horizon for relief—relief that never comes. Compared to our neighbors to the southwest, we got off easy.

I shat at the Larkspur rest stop before, shat here a couple of times. My older sis was a hell of a figure skater so we used to have to take her to Colorado Springs to train all the time. And this rest stop always seemed a welcome sight for my pops, what with his liquid-filled progeny hollering nonsense in the backseat. So what gives, Colorado Department Of Transportation, wasn’t this rest stop useful?

“That was one of our highest traffic rest stops,” explains CDOT’s Stacey Stegman. “But it was old and needed a ton of work. There were water supply issues; it was constantly being vandalized. It became a financial drain. When it was built, Castle Rock wasn’t expanded like it is today. So there was much more of a need for it then. Now, not so much.”

She’s just an old shitter now, down on her luck, once practical, now scorned.

A few of the portable bathroom facilities have found a use for themselves, though. They’ve moved just down the hill into Larkspur Community Park, donated by CDOT to the town. So I suppose you could exit I-25 now, before the Larkspur rest stop, drive the mile or so into town and just shit at the park, right? Eventually. These relocated gods of porcelain aren’t functioning. Yet. So surely the Spur Of The Moment Roadhouse across from the community park must have seen an increase in foot traffic or something, right?

“Nuh-uh,” says the keep-my-name-out-of-your-rag bartender.

The only thing she’s seen is a decrease in cop cars at the former Larkspur rest stop site, visible just up the hill from the Spur’s front window. Seems going to the bathroom wasn’t the only type of release available.

“Prostitution,” she says, before heading off to answer a phone. “Usually gay shit.”

So then where are these travelers taking their shits? If you miss the exit into Larkspur, you’re literally shit out of luck all the way to Monument Hill. The Greenland exit offers no amenities; the Palmer Lake exit only takes you off track. The only option now is to drive all the way to Monument and hit up McDonald’s or Walgreens or Subway or Conoco. But has that Conoco seen any increase in bathroom-seekers since the old Larkspur rest stop shuttered its doors?

The clerk there blinks emptily, shrugs his shoulder uncertainly. Can’t be sure.

Heading back towards Denver the northbound Larkspur rest stop is a wall of orange traffic drums. They’re going to rebuild this one—the other one too—as trucker chain stations. The rest stops will be gated, open only to truckers during storms. The rest will be razed. That won’t help a wayward motorist, sweating and glutted full of runny enchilada. You can’t shit at a chain station, so maybe that driver will exit into Larkspur to see what bathrooms are open, to see if those gifted shitters from CDOT are up and running yet—but maybe not. The next bathroom option isn’t until Castle Rock, and what that desperate driver does in that situation is anybody’s guess. The only thing for certain is he won’t do it here. No sir, people don’t shit here anymore like they used to.