Jock Itch Not succumbing to March Madness

It’s by far the least popular opinion in sports, aside from high praise for Tiger Woods’ concession speech, and for sports writers, it’s simply high treason: March Madness is upon us (games start March 18), and I sincerely do not care. I avoid the yearly college basketball tournament as if it was the WNBA finals.

It’s not so much the games I can’t stand. College basketball can be exciting, and the NCAA tournament usually offers up some fine examples of young men playing their hearts out for their first big NBA contract. You will probably see the future stars of the New Jersey Nets or the Minnesota Timberwolves competing for a chance at languishing in obscurity for the next four years of their pro career. I guess that sounds good on principle. Here, otherwise, are the reasons why I won’t be succumbing to March Madness:

Potential for upset
There is none. Not in the first round anyway. Since the inception of the 64-team format (broken down into four regions containing 16 teams), a number 1 seed has never been beaten by the sacrificial lamb known as the number 16 seed. Never. In the NFL, it’s very common to have a wild card team knock off a top-ranked playoff team. That’s why it’s fun. But the lowest seed during the NCAA tournament to ever win it all? Villanova was an eighth seed back in 1985 when it won the national championship. Not exactly David slaying Goliath.

No tie to any of these schools
Do you even know where Villanova is? How about Seton Hall? March Madness reeks of the East Coast, and if you have no claims to the region, it makes it hard to care about the teams playing. I attended Colorado State, a school that severely lacks in a powerhouse basketball program. CSU has certainly made strides in recent years, but it’s still no Georgetown. (It is, though, the Georgetown of weed smoking and disc golf.) So, because I have no connection to any of these schools—and can’t even find them on a map—it makes no difference to me who wins. This is why gambling was invented.

Gambling
Don’t get me wrong on this one: If you’re gambling on the games, I’m all for it—as long as you’re sitting in a sports book in Las Vegas with a group of friends drinking gallons of beer. But if you’re not in Las Vegas, you’re in an office pool. And there are no waitresses at that kind of pool, just Bill from HR complaining about his bracket.

You
You and your bracket. If I have to listen to you talk about how your bracket is doing, I will kill myself in spectacular fashion. Forget pardoning the Thanksgiving turkey, the new White House tradition is watching Obama fill out his bracket—that at least is interesting. But listening to you regular schleps honk on and on about your bracket is intolerable as any number of American Idol debut albums.

If you do go to one of these schools, don’t let my distaste for the tournament dissuade you from enjoying it. What else does a place like Kentucky have to hang its hat on? College basketball fans are some of the most rabid and boisterous in sports. By all means, paint your face and whoop it up. The soul-crushing reality of the real world is just beyond those arena doors, and if I were you, I’d enjoy it just a little bit longer. 

Which gives me an idea on how March Madness could be more interesting: I suggest starting a bracket involving only fictitious schools from college sex-romp comedies. I would be all over supporting Grand Lakes University (from Back To School) over Animal House’s Faber College any day. Did you have Adams College from Revenge Of The Nerds in your bracket, or did you pencil in Pacific Tech and Val Kilmer from Real Genius? It may not be as popular as March Madness, but it could keep me sane this month.