Jock Itch Scripting the next play for Mike Shanahan

Still teetering on the brink in the standings, the Denver Broncos can’t decide whether to fall into the abyss or soldier on to the playoffs. Fortunately, for fans of the team looking for a good distraction from the potential sickening collapse, there’s a new game to watch: Where in the world will Mike Shanahan coach next?

Shanahan, the legendary ex-Broncos coach and mastermind of two back-to-back Super Bowl titles, is looking to get back into the game. Where he ends up is anybody’s wager; the betting pool is wide open, just like it was when fans tried to guess how much Janet Elway would get in the divorce from number 7. And as the football season approaches its climax, the coaching guillotine will be putting a merciful end—and making some vacancies—to some dismal efforts by the dudes wearing the headsets. Shanahan himself was a victim just last season when Broncos owner Pat Bowlen saw fit to replace the steadily backsliding coach with upstart wunderkind Josh McDaniels.

But it wasn’t that easy to get rid of Shanahan. He had just built a massive house out in Cherry Hills Village and had broken ground on a high-end steakhouse emblazoned with his name near Belleview and I-25. Throw in the fact that the right coaching job wasn’t yet available this season—also the small matter that Bowlen still owes Shanny another $7 million—and Shanahan wasn’t going anywhere.

His name, along with his son’s (Houston Texans offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan), was mentioned as a possible replacement for the tipped over porta-potty that is the CU-Boulder football program. This potential coup for CU will never happen though, because it’s believed that Shanahan’s only interest in coaching is at the NFL level. And anyway, it’s CU, also known as the Geo Metro of college football teams. Luckily for Shanahan, going back to college won’t be his only option, as the NFL has already come calling.

The Buffalo Bills fired their coach two weeks ago and were immediately on the phone to the Broncos’ old coach. Shanahan is apparently at the top of their wish list, just like a Mercedes CL65 is at the top of mine. But there’s a better chance of that car sitting under my Christmas tree in a month than Shanahan going to Buffalo. He did talk to them this past week, but probably just as a courtesy. The team is crappy, and even with a supposed “mastermind” like Shanahan at the helm, that ship is as rudderless as they come. And who in his right mind would willingly go to Buffalo?

Oh right, this guy:

Any team that Shanahan would actually consider won’t be firing its coach until after the season is over. So, for now, Mike should sit back and collect checks from old man Bowlen while his old team spins wildly out of control. So what teams do have a shot of landing our old coach? Let’s take a look:

Chicago Bears
Bears coach Lovie Smith is on thin, Lake Michigan ice with his underperforming team, but the real draw for Shanahan may be quarterback Jay Cutler. He personally drafted Cutler back in 2006 and might long to yell at him once again for his countless interceptions. But based on how poorly Cutler has played lately, he may just want to pretend that never happened and decline a visit to Chicago entirely.

Washington Redskins
He reportedly already turned down odious Redskins owner Dan Snyder. This is not only a bad team, but it comes with a terrible owner, and the odds are slim that Shanny would want to reunite with yet another draft day embarrassment, Clinton Portis:

San Diego Chargers
The Chargers are in the running for the Shanahan sweepstakes even though the team is hot and made short work of the Broncos two Sundays back. Chargers coach Norv Turner is always on the hot seat and when San Diego does its annual swan dive in the playoffs, Turner will surely be shown the door. But here’s why Shanahan would never choose San Diego: Who will go to his restaurant if he’s beating the Broncos twice a year? I probably wouldn’t go in the first place, but you can bet I’m boycotting well-aged steaks and expensive wedge salad if he does take this job.

Dallas Cowboys
The choice is clear for Shanahan. Dallas is a quick plane trip to Denver, the Cowboys play in the NFC—the chance of playing the Broncos each year is small—and owner Jerry Jones will give him whatever he wants to win. There’s just the small problem of current coach Wade Phillips, who still holds the job. But if the Cowboys bow out in the first round of the playoffs, Wade will waddle out the door and Shanahan will stroll in. And since Shanahan was the one who replaced Phillips in Denver back in 1995, I think he already knows the way.

Wherever you end up, coach, we’ll be watching. And eating. Maybe even in your restaurant. Just as long as you’re not helping add to the Broncos misery next season as well.