Feature Sexy songs and singing telegrams: a Valentine's Day primer

Greeting cards? Not even girls like those anymore. Fact: what a lady really needs this V Day is a grown man dressed up like a giant heart to serenade her on her lunch hour in front of a bemused audience. If anyone tells you differently, she is probably just not that into you.

Lucky for those looking to win this Valentine’s Day, Denver nightlife scribe and man-about-town George Peele has eight years’ experience dressing up like a bee, Cupid, or Pelvis Presley, and working it real good for your special someone with songs he'll tweak just for him or her. His press materials promise that, “Flowers die, chocolates get eaten, but Custom Singing Telegrams live eternally.” Or as Peele himself points out in a 9News segment from a few years back that features him romancing an uncomfortable white-haired gentleman while dressed in just a diaper, Cupid wings, and combat boots: “This can never be purged from your memory, whether you like it or not.”

With all this sexy in-the-trenches experience, The A.V. Club figured Peele would most definitely be a sexpert on the sexiest songs sex-ever. Sexy sex sex. He supplied us with a list of outright Panty Droppers, plus some Blueballers to avoid, with a few bonus notable mentions—including Insane Clown Posse, naturally—thrown in for good measure. If his playlist can’t help you, then there truly is no hope.

Panty Droppers­­

“I Want You,” The Beatles

George Peele: You could blow this on a kazoo and still do the “whorizontal” rumpy-pumpy. Fur cereal.

“Personal Jesus,” Depeche Mode

GP: Jesus was probably hung like a gigolo. You haven't had a religious “sexperience” ’til you’ve had it on speed dial booty call 911-69.

“Braille,” George Peele

GP: Yes, I'm on my own list (thanks, Mary). Any second string six-stringer can fondle Marvin Gaye for a few minutes.

“Closer,” Nine Inch Nails

GP: Hire me to belt the uncensored version at your lover's office. You can have a bestiality-inspired marathon when he/she gets fired—guilt-by-association.

“Do Me Baby,” Prince

GP: Subtlety, shmutlety. Prince sounds like he's having an actual intercourse-facilitated orgasm in the recording studio's isolation booth—and I wouldn't put it past him.

Blueballers

“The Most Beautiful Girl In The Room,” Flight Of The Conchords

GP: Women claim they want honesty, but this is what it sounds like. “You could be a part-time model / you'd probably still have to keep your normal job.”

“I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That),” Meatloaf

GP: Humanly impossible feats are routinely promised by pop singers in the name of beef curtain access. Following through on said empty promises is rarely necessary. What won't you do, Meatloaf? Anal?

Notable mentions (guaranteed to not get you laid):

Anything by Air Supply
Anything by Dustin Beaver (Justin Bieber)
“The Neden Game,” Insane Clown Posse
“Figured You Out,” Nickelback
“Smell Yo Dick,” Riskay featuring Aviance
“Pregnant,” R. Kelly
“Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?” Rod Stewart
“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” Chuck Lorre (thanks, Alf)
“Slob On My Nob,” Three 6 Mafia

Haven’t ordered your singing telegram yet? If not, a) you’re nuts, and b) please do so today. You don't want to miss out. As soon as we settle the office argument over whether to get the Cupid or the Pelvis Presley, The A.V. Club is having a hot little number delivered to the offices like, yesterday.

For even more not-so-sexy Valentine's Day songs, check out our V Day playlist from last year.