Best of Local Strangelunch

Another year of Strangelunch has come and gone, and I’m none the worse for wear. If anything, I get more strange ideas as time goes on—new, weird places open, and I discover old ones that have something odd to offer.

With 2011 almost in the can, here’s a look back at The Year In Strangelunch: the good, the bad, and the inexplicable.

The James Spader Award for Strange Deliciousness: Bonnie Brae Tavern’s cheeseburger pizza 
“It’s hard to overstate the harmonious, sinful nature of this pizza. Eat it with a loved one, because you might find yourself messily gobbling it down—enemies will want to take a blackmail-worthy picture.”

This was the very first Strangelunch of 2011, and it set a near-unreachable standard for the rest of the year. Baked to crispy-brown perfection, Bonnie Brae’s cheeseburger pizza looks like an ordinary pie to the casual observer. It contains a special secret, however: It’s really supposed to taste like a cheeseburger.

Hence, there are pickles, onions, and American cheese on this sexy freak—thankfully, the kitchen stopped short of using ketchup or mustard in the sauce, but I imagine it took some effort to hold back. Bonnie Brae Tavern itself is a lovely place to eat, too, non-ironically retro and friendly. But the pizzas are also available half-baked to cook at home, in case you want to cherish this pizza in private.

The Cruelty-Free Prize for Vegetarian Cuisine: The tempeh Reuben at Vine Street/Mountain Sun/Southern Sun Pubs 
“The tempeh reuben is a treat. Perhaps part of it is because the basic building blocks of a reuben are solidly delicious: rye bread, gooey swiss cheese, slightly crunchy sauerkraut, and tangy Russian (or thousand island) dressing. You could put a mouse pad in there and it’d be decent. Nonetheless, the Sun pubs work some magic with that flaky tempeh.”

The Mountain Sun Pubs, including Denver’s Vine Street Pub, are always solid, groovy places to have a nosh and knock back a few brews. Some of their menus’ appeal also comes from being vegetarian-friendly without making a big friggin’ deal about it. The Pubs’ tempeh reuben is simply nestled on the menu among the other sandwiches, both meatless and meat-full.

The Pubs do a nice job with the tempeh, giving it a little slap-and-tickle instead of shoving it, unloved, into the sandwich. It doesn’t try to imitate meat—it’s good on its own soybean-y feet. Just like most of the food at the Mountain Suns, this one is worth a repeat order or two.

The “Piss-Christ” Medal for Most Disturbing Photo: Zoe Ma Ma’s CPR
“It looks, well, gentle.”

The CPR—that’s chicken, potatoes, rice—is a simple Chinese dish, comforting and unchallenging. It’s not the most interesting-looking meal in the world, served in muted tones of brown and white, but, again, its aims are simple and soul-nourishing.

Leave it to me, then, to take a perfectly fine dish and make it look straight-up vile (that’s the picture up there on top of the article), thanks to my ancient Nikon Coolpix and oft-noted lack of photography skills. In the photo that ran with the article, the CPR looks less like a wholesome lunch than an old container of unidentifiable leftovers, the sort of smelly little “gift” a gross roommate would leave under the couch.

The chicken, which tastes moist and wonderful, appears old and dried-out in the photo. It doesn’t even look like chicken, really, but instead more like week-old squirrel meat. The potatoes and rice barely register, and a magical green sprinkling of cilantro and scallions just seems pathetic. “Here’s that box of scraps from Bodyworlds you ordered—we added a little cilantro for color. Bon appétit!”

I swear, in real life, the CPR looks appetizing, smells enchanting, and tastes delightful. I’m sorry.

The “What Is Wrong With Me?” Honor for Strangest Lunch Spot: Costco
“Just blend in with the swirling family feeding frenzy, mouth open like a baleen whale.”

To an outsider, Costco is a very strange place. Loyal Costco shoppers no longer see it, but the weirdness is there: the membership check at the door, the random assortment of merchandise, the glazed eyes of the bargain-seekers—their carts laden with cinder-block-sized cartons of butter, off-brand Uggs, and flashlights. It’s a little ... cult-y.

However, to the outsider who’s also thrifty, Costco is intriguing in its mystery. The grocery department is filled with free samples at every turn. (Like Whole Foods!) It’s not just crappy Kraft products, either. Often, Costco will feature products from local companies—and who doesn’t like that?! (Unbelievers, that’s who.)

Costco’s food court is where the cheapo chickens come home to roost. The air is one of utilitarian food-shoveling. The menu includes weird shit like the “carne asada bake,” a stuffed roll filled with meat, for freaky-low prices ($4!). A drink with a slice of droopy pizza is $2. Eventually, it sinks in: Food is fuel. Bargains are mercy. Join us.

The Crispin Glover “I’m Making My Lunch!” Salute for Strangest Strangelunch: Jalapeppers at Tarasco’s New Latino Cuisine
“All of this is cold, by the way, and tastes just as potentially vomitous as it sounds.”

When I meet people for the first time, and they learn about my Strangelunching, they’ll often ask, “What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?” I often reply by describing these, the Jalapeppers: pickled jalapeños, halved and filled with peanut butter, then topped with cheese and tomatoes.

I don’t know if, when I went to Tarasco’s, the cook messed up, but this attractively plated item was served cold. As in, the shredded cheese was not melted, and the jalapeños tasted like they were right out of the brine. The peanut butter was the sweet kind, too, like Jif or Skippy. I almost gagged after taking the first bite or two, but soldiered on in the name of journalism. Eventually, they just tasted sweet and hot, kind of like those Hot Tamales candies or something. The cheese just fell off.

Tarasco’s is a fine restaurant, but I don’t know what the hell is going on with the Jalapeppers. With a quizzical look and an unhungry stomach, I salute Tarasco’s and its commitment to strangeness.