Jock Itch Super Bowl XLIV: Who to root for when you just don’t care

In what has become the common refrain around here, the Denver Broncos have again failed this year to make an appearance at the NFL’s finest hour, the Super Bowl. And as the New Orleans Saints take on the Indianapolis Colts this Sunday, what is a die-hard Broncos fan to do? There are plenty of compelling storylines to keep you occupied, fortunately, so here’s how to figure out what team to cheer for when you just don’t care who wins.

Enemies of the Broncos
Broncos fans were barely aware there was a team in New Orleans until a few weeks ago. The Saints play in the NFC and rarely make an appearance in Denver. They were last here in 2008, but before that, Bill Clinton was president and Dakota Fanning was two feet tall. The Colts, on the other hand, haven’t lost to the Broncos in five years.
Edge: New Orleans Saints

The location
Since it’s always a sound move to make decisions based on geographical biases, figuring out which team to root for can easily be broken down this way: Indianapolis is an icy hell right now, not unlike the cave Luke was dragged off to in The Empire Strikes Back. New Orleans, though, is likely much more temperate and warm beignets are being served at this very moment. Also, can you stumble around the streets of Indianapolis with a Mr. T-sized tangle of plastic beads around your neck and still look cool? Didn’t think so.
Edge: New Orleans Saints

The fans
Jared from Subway is the most widely recognized Colts fan, an indicator that these folks are light on style. Saints fans, by contrast, are implicitly associated with the cool of New Orleans jazz; they also dress outlandishly for games and haven’t lost their team spirit after nearly half a century of losing. More importantly, if the Saints win, the party on Bourbon Street will be an affront to God.
Edge: New Orleans Saints

The uniforms
You can’t beat the black and gold of the Saints uniforms, but before you go and paint a misshapen fleur-de-lis on your face, consider first the flawless simplicity of the Colts’ blue and white. It wails retro without looking dated, and the horseshoe logo evokes both good luck and ass-kicking all in one effortless design.
Edge: Indianapolis Colts

The feel-good story
It’s a storyline that you will be beaten over the head with this week: With Hurricane Katrina ravaging Louisiana and the Gulf Coast in 2005, a Super Bowl victory for New Orleans would be the golden crown on top of a messiah-like comeback. Throw in the fact that in its 43 years, this will be the franchise’s first ever appearance at the Super Bowl, and it becomes the kind of tearjerker that Nancy Grace would pop an ovary over. Indianapolis won a Super Bowl as recently as 2007, plus Indiana has the distinction of being the birthplace of Michael Jackson—the state already has it all, so let’s give this one to Louisiana.
Edge: New Orleans Saints

Coloradans, it seems, have more reason to root for the Saints over the Colts, but there’s no getting around the reality that as a Broncos fan, it’s hard to really care who wins. And despite all the non-football reasons for a Saints victory, here’s Jock Itch’s Super Bowl XLIV prediction: The Colt beat the Saints, 31-27.