Jock Itch The Avs’ new mascot should roll over and play dead (or, at least, make room for some ice girls)

The Colorado Avalanche—who were supposed to suck from the very first puck drop—have exceeded all expectations and currently sit in first place atop the Western Conference with a 6-1-1 record. But where the Avs management has proven its worth in the talent-picking department, it has failed miserably in the crucial area of ice entertainment.

The NHL Ice Girls: A clever marketing ploy or sexist gimmick? I’ll let you figure that one out based on your own personal predilections, but no matter how you feel about the latest way the league is attempting to get back into your good graces, the real question is this: Why in the hell doesn’t the Avalanche have its own team of ice girls?

Ice girls, a.k.a. the ice crew, are scantily clad ladies that skate out onto the rink during breaks in the game and scoop up the accumulated ice shavings. This job, once relegated to fully clothed dudes, has been handed over to these sirens of the ice rink because, well, they look a whole lot better than their predecessors ever did doing it. Someone has to scoop up the excess ice around the net, right? It might as well be hot chicks. They also pick up the hats when someone scores a hat trick and the rink is showered with the surplus lids. What do the Avs have skating out onto the ice? A guy in a dog suit.

While the rest of the NHL latches onto the ice girl phenomenon, the Avs have gone in a decidedly different direction. The team recently introduced its new mascot Bernie, a St. Bernard that is adorable and subsequently can’t compete with the spandex and spray-on-tan of an ice girl. Bernie is actually the second mascot in Avalanche history. Remember Howler? Howler was some sort of a yeti that was banished by the Avs for unknown reasons sometime in the late ’90s. The only reminder of Howler’s time in Denver is the paw print logo on the shoulders of the Avalanche jersey.

Howler was a great mascot. He fit with the mountain theme and even though he looked like the Bumble from Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer, there was still a chance he’d rip your arm off if provoked. Bernie, on the other hand, will probably just lick the face of the opposing team and offer them a nip off his requisite booze barrel. (His bio says there’s Pepsi in there. Gag.) St. Bernard’s are supposed to rescue people caught in an avalanche, but metaphorically speaking, do we really want to rescue the teams caught up in the Avs’ overwhelming attack?

There are at least 18 teams that have ice girls, some which have had them for several years. The Calgary Flames for one. Calgary! Calgary is like Laramie, Wyo., but colder and with a few more people. Even the Columbus Blue Jackets have ice girls, and what do the Avs have? Winter jacket-wearing white guys and a mascot whose costume would have to be dry-cleaned if he wandered into a furry convention.

If there’s room for a loveable, plush mascot for the kiddies, shouldn’t there be a little something for the sad, lonely dudes who make up the bulk of the ticket-buying audience? How about the fathers of these kids Bernie is sucking up to? Lesbian hockey fans? The merits of an official Avalanche ice girl squad is debatable, but the absence of one is inexcusable. The Avs are off to a great start. Wouldn’t it be even better with ice girls?