Recap The Big Bleu Cow 5 Comedy Variety Contest

Comedy competitions are a lot like popularity contests—the winner is usually the one who brings the most friends. And stacking the crowd is obviously how a few local comedians made it all the way to the finals of this year's Big Bleu Cow 5 Comedy Variety Contest at the Bovine Metropolis Theater on Saturday, January 17. Granted, the competitors weren’t all bad—some were even seriously uproarious. But many were merely mediocre performers taking gross advantage of the democratic process.

In the end, though, the comic who prevailed—Elliot Woolsey—thankfully did so without a lot of help from his friends. Justifiably winning the contest, Woolsey was simply light years funnier than his counterparts. He joked about California’s recent Proposition 8, which outlawed gay marriage in the state. “You’d think gay people would get over it,” he said, “but apparently they care about their rights too.” Woolsey voiced support for Civil Rights-era tactics to overturn the ban. However, he admitted, there would be some disparities between then and now. “You tell a bunch of gay men that firemen are coming to spray them down, and they’d have a party,” he jested. “And the only thing that freaks out homophobic cops more than gay guys is wet gay guys.” He even came up with a new colloquialism: Elliot’s raunchy typewriter. It applies to sexual encounters where shear inertia forces the head of the bottom partner to get lodged against the headboard, at with point you have to “grab her body and bring her back to the middle of the bed—like a typewriter.” Hey, at least he (and we) gave everyone the “raunchy” disclaimer upfront.

The other contestants didn’t fare as well, despite having friendly sections of the audience in their back pockets. The evening began with host Jake Sharon’s overstated, the-joke-is-on-me shtick, followed by Jordan Zuckerman’s seventh-grade-ready jokes about Taco Bell, poop, and how one can cause the other. Another contestant, Zach Jobe, also felt the burning need to bag on the Bell with the not-quite-keen observation, “Everyone drives to Taco Bell because they’re all too drunk to walk.” Despite his amateur tendencies, though, Jobe did manage to level a few witty quips. He wasn’t particularly unfunny, just overly nervous. And even though he ended up coming in last Saturday night, he has the potential to be a strong contender in the local comedy scene in the future. Assuming, of course, he begs, steals, or borrows a bigger posse next time.