The Bobby Long effect
Are you ready to defend this man's honor?
Do you guys know who Bobby Long is? Me neither. But that all changed recently when The A.V. Club wrote a blurb profiling the British singer-songwriter in anticipation of his show tonight at the Hi-Dive. Truth be told, though, I didn’t read that blurb when it was first posted. Pretty much the only reason I log on here is to check the number of comments on my current column, then either sigh or cackle triumphantly.
It’s not the content of the site that’s the problem; it’s that the lion’s share of it has nothing to do directly with me, and that’s a guaranteed way to lose my interest. So while I did see that something was written about this Bobby Long fellow, it didn’t attract my attention. Fast-forward to the present, though, and my interest is piqued: That tiny little profile has more than 130 comments.
Why, you ask, did Bobby Long garner so much attention when, week after laborious week, I churn out gold and am yet to top the 30-comment mark?
Because homeboy had a song on the Twilight soundtrack—well, co-wrote a song that appeared on the extended, iTunes-only version of the soundtrack.
Now I’m not exactly sure what this Twilight is. My attitude toward pop culture is quite similar to my attitude toward everything else: Not about me? Not interested. But even from deep within my floating obelisk of solipsism I have actually heard of Twilight, so I know that it must be huge. I believe it has something to do with bisexual vampires. And the author of said Bobby Long blurb delicately insinuated that Long’s current success maybe, kind of, sort of had something to do with his Twilight affiliation.
Cue cyber-outrage.
Bobby Long is a genius, and his success has nothing to do with Twilight!Bobby Long wrote the lyrics to “All Along The Watchtower” on the back of the Dead Sea Scrolls and anyone who says different is a liar!When Bobby Long farts, angels applaud! He wouldn’t wipe his ass with the flayed skin of the author!
The mention of Twilight was relatively innocuous in the article, a tossed-off sentence in a piece devoted more to the man’s music, yet it was enough to unleash the wrath of the cyber-dogs, all vitriol and rage.
Welcome to the world of web journalism, the last, desperate gob of phlegm spat from the jowels of the dying print-media monster.
It’s hard to predict what will spark a buzz for a website. There are tricks—tagging hot topics, angling towards digg.com—but, for the most part, it’s a crapshoot. Regardless of what does eventually provoke attention, though, that attention typically manifests itself in ugliness. Write a story about how rain smells amazing, and nobody is going to give a shit. Write a story about how rain smells better than Hannah Montana’s pubescent vagina? Jackpot! Angry comments galore.
Perverts and shrieking teens: a web editor’s wet dream.
Before the web, if readers had a comment to share, they would write what we then called “a letter to the editor.” While these letters could certainly express anger or disappointment, for the most part people kept their cool. It was almost as if the reality of seeing their words appear in print, next to their name, kept people somewhat reined in. But in the anonymous world of the web, where you don’t even have to use your real name, all decorum is lost. The author is not simply wrong. He is a flaming asshole that should be dragged behind a car for 10 miles then devoured by pregnant reservation dogs.
And as an author, all you can say is "Thanks."
Now I know it’s odd for a man who just wrote “Hannah Montana’s pubescent vagina” to be urging civility, and I’m not. I realize this battle is lost. All I ask is that at some point in your insane cyber-ranting, you think for a second before you hit “post.” Ponder the content you are putting onto the web before you put it out there. But most importantly, ask yourself why you’re commenting on a piece about Bobby Long when What’s So Funny is just a click away?
Also, Jon and Kate, Hudson River, Tiger Woods, Kim Kardashian, True Blood, gangbang and pho.
See you at digg.com!
