Feature The dark side of Trader Joe’s

Outside, America will continue to wail and gnash its teeth, clamoring for grass-fed butter and organic gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, low-sodium sweet potato fries. But in Colorado, the wait may finally be over. 

This April, the long-expected Trader Joe and his Hawaiian-shirted employees may at last descend from the heavens to save the souls of his chosen people: the organic- and natural-food lovers of Boulder and metro Denver.

Trader Joe’s, the charming, homespun “neighborhood grocery store” that now boasts approximately 400 stores in more than 30 states, filed documents on Monday to register its business name with the Colorado Secretary of State, The Huffington Post reports. But if you’re leaping out of your Birkenstocks in goat-cheese-loving ecstasy right now, please—take a moment to consider the larger, more alarming consequences of Trader Joe’s arrival in Colorado.

• Colorado may only be 70 percent white racially, but we’re about to hit uncharted levels of whiteness culturally. Trader Joe’s brings with it a wide, impressive selection of hummus, sea salts, and scrumptious (read: edible) vegan fare—plus another 20 or so other things that have also been spotlighted on StuffWhitePeopleLike.com.

• Unassuming customers will be cruelly taken advantage of through false advertising. Charles Shaw wine, or Two Buck Chuck, as loyal TJ’s customers have come to call it, reportedly sells for two bucks only in California. Imbibers in other states have, we hear, have paid up to $3.39—$3.39!—for the legendary cheap vino. And that’s not even considering whether they’ll be able to sell it here, considering Colorado’s draconian liquor laws.

• Trader Joe’s shoppers may also, without warning, be subjected to spontaneous outbursts of song and dance in the aisles—but actually. According to the Trader Joe’s official website, an unplanned round of karaoke erupted in one of its Oceanside, California stores in 2004; apparently some people just really fucking love kale chips.