The greatest ’80s song ever told
Idol. It rhymes with vital.
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Hi, my name is Jason, and—like Denver's DJ Hot To Death, whose Bringing '80s Back Party goes down at the Walnut Room on Saturday, Dec. 27—I am an ’80s DJ. Shameful, I know. I don’t spin in public anymore, but I know deep in my heart I’ll be forever addicted to big hair (even though I have little of my own left), screeching guitars (even though I’m going deaf), and the science-fiction purr of a synthesizer (even though the future terrifies me).
All those years spent pouring Def Leppard on people, however, gave me a greater appreciation of ’80s music of all kinds, from the esoteric rarities to the get-this-shit-out-of-my-head-already hits. That’s why I feel eminently qualified to choose the greatest ’80s song of all time. And yes, I am aware that the phrase “the greatest ’80s song of all time” doesn’t make any sense. As David Byrne so sagely sang in, um, the ’80s, we need to STOP making sense. (Or at least I think that’s what he meant by that; David Byrne’s lyrics don’t really make any sense.)
And so, without further ado, here’s the winner: Billy Idol’s 1984 song, “Eyes Without A Face.”
Quit laughing and listen up: “Eyes Without A Face” is truly and undeniably the greatest song of the ’80s. OF ALL TIME. Why?
1. Billy Idol may seem like a self-caricatured joke to anyone raised on The Wedding Singer, but the man possesses true punk cred. Not only did he front Generation X, one of the best bands of the original British punk era (although no one except me seems to believe that), he was briefly a member of Siouxsie & The Banshees when they first got together. Punk cred doesn’t mean anything to anyone anymore, true. But he’s got it nonetheless.
2. “Eyes Without A Face” takes everything that’s great about ’80s music and rolls it into one patent-leathery burrito. It starts out as a silky, neon-lit synth-pop ballad not far from what Duran Duran might have written. Then, halfway through, it busts into some balls-to-the-wall cock-rock riffing straight out of a Mötley Crüe song. Then it goes back to the mushy stuff. Buildup, climax, comedown. Just like fucking—get it? Who else in the ’80s dared straddle such extremes, snarling like some cyborg caveman the whole time? No one, of course, expect Billy Idol. And maybe the lead singer of Europe.
3. There isn’t an ’80s song that sounds anywhere near as good as “Eyes Without A Face,” so that makes it the best song of the ’80s by definition.
So there you have it, spelled out in icy, brutal logic: Billy Idol, creator of the greatest ’80s song. Ever. By that I mean, I fully expect "Eyes Without A Face" to be the greatest song of the 2080s, as well. And if that doesn't make any sense to you, well, you're clearly not nor will ever be an ’80s DJ. And for that, I envy you.
