The Thanksgiving Power Rankings
The A.V. Club’s weekly sports infection
Welcome to the first ever Jock Itch Thanksgiving Power Rankings. In honor of this holiday week and the sports celebrities who look (and sometimes act) like turkeys, here’s a list of local athletes and their Thanksgiving food counterparts. Enjoy!
The turkey: Carmelo Anthony, Denver Nuggets
It’s not his past boorish behavior that has garnered him the top spot in the Thanksgiving Power Rankings—no, it’s because Carmelo Anthony is the face of Denver sports. He’s a bona fide superstar who currently is far more recognizable on a national level than anyone else on any of our professional sports teams. The turkey is the centerpiece of Thanksgiving; Denver sports wouldn’t be the same without Anthony as the focal point.
Mashed potatoes: Kyle Orton, Denver Broncos
Even though mashed potatoes isn’t as flashy as some of the other side dishes, Thanksgiving would be crippled without it—much like the Broncos were for most of the first half this past Sunday. Sure, Kyle Orton’s brand of football is a little bland, but ladle a little play-calling gravy on it and you’ve got the makings of one potent offense, or at least more potent than the flaccid Chris Simms period that was mercifully cut short just before half time.
Ambrosia salad: Mitch Berger, Denver Broncos
No one wanted ambrosia salad and sure as hell no one asked anyone to bring it. The same goes for Broncos punter Mitch Berger who was brought in when moderately successful punter Brett Kern was let go. It’s Coach Josh McDaniels’ first big fuck up, but it shouldn’t be yours this holiday season. Ambrosia salad is marshmallow-filled ass in a bowl.
The pumpkin pie and the pecan pie: Matt Duchene and Ryan O’Reilly, Colorado Avalanche
Everyone loves pumpkin pie—it’s a Thanksgiving staple—but pecan really is the better and tastier of the two choices. Matt Duchene was drafted third overall with the promise of being the future star the Avs needed. Ryan O’Reilly (drafted 33rd), however, has been the real surprise: He’s tied for third in rookie scoring with 15 points and is seemingly selling a hell of a lot more jerseys to fans. Duchene was a smart choice, but O’Reilly will truly be the one to satisfy all.
Stuffing: Nenê, Denver Nuggets
Sometimes moist and flavorful, other times salty and dry. You never quite know what you’re going to get with stuffing and the same goes for Nuggets center Nenê. The Brazilian—the man, not the wax job—can be dominant one game and then as effective as a butterfly in a wind tunnel the next. The Nuggets threw a lot of money at Nenê a couple of years back and are still getting mixed results. As everyone knows, bad stuffing around Thanksgiving can really kill your holiday buzz. The Nuggets, similarly, will need a more consistent Nenê when the playoffs roll around next April.
Cranberry sauce: Elvis Dumervil, Denver Broncos
Elvis Dumervil, the Broncos sack master, doesn’t get the credit he deserves for nailing quarterbacks; cranberry sauce is equally dismissed as the perfect complement to turkey. Have you had cranberry sauce with turkey? It’s incredible. I don’t even care if it comes out of a can. But for some reason, both the divisive sauce and Dumervil are left off everyone’s list of essentials.
Your Uncle Brian: Ubaldo Jiménez, Colorado Rockies
Your Uncle Brian starts out great, but after a few dozen nips on the brandy bottle, he’s all over the place, spitting when he talks and loudly proclaiming how he was the one who invented the iPod, but Bill Gates stole it from him. The Rockies pitcher is the same way: He starts out smooth, routinely scorching 98 miles per hour fast balls past the best in the baseball. Then as the fourth inning starts (or the second or third), he’s got less control than an old man wearing a diaper does. At least he doesn’t throw up on himself on his way back to the dugout.
