Two weeks and counting until Halloween
You know what the saddest part is about you right now? It’s that you still think you’re going to come up with something great for Halloween. You think everything will be fine because your magnificent brain always pulls it out at the last minute and this time will be no different. Don’t try to tell me otherwise either, because I’ve been exactly where you are right now and I know that you’re lying. And you’re so ugly when you lie. I, too, used to delude myself into thinking some last-minute burst of inspiration would spring from my skull like Athena from Zeus, but that was all silly talk. True vision requires foresight and thought. And seeing as we are now smack-goddamn-dab in the middle of October, I think it’s pretty obvious you haven’t put in that hard work. Truth is, if you haven’t already thought of a brilliant costume by now, your lying, delusional ass isn’t going to.
There, there, cease your crying. Your old pal What’s So Funny ain’t gonna leave you hanging, like some Great Pumpkin to your dejected Linus. You may not win any contests this year, but there’s still time to construct a great get-up. Because while everyone does appreciate the people who are insanely clever or elaborate with their October 31st vestment—the people with foresight—people also appreciate those who simply know how to do Halloween well. And I know how to do Halloween well, so allow me to offer a few helpful tips for the procrastinators.
A quick trick is to comb your movie collection and emulate a character from one of your favorite films. Of course, this can backfire if you have shitty taste in movies. If you dress like one of the killers in The Boondock Saints, everyone will immediately know that you’re a New England half-wit who thinks The Boondock Saints is a good movie. And that will suck for you. But on the other hand, dress like a character from The Royal Tenenbaums and there’s a decent shot you’ll get to fuck the sexy librarian. The important thing is to always know your demographic and stay within it. If you’re Goose from Top Gun, odds are you’re not going to bang the girl dressed like a secretary from Mad Men. Stick to the girl who’s dressed like a kitten—but, like, a sexy kitten. Probably more your speed.
But Adam, you’re saying, I don’t watch many movies because I’m a half-wit who likes The Boondock Saints. To you, I offer the most important tip: Check your self-respect at the door, friend. Some of the best costumes are from those who have given the least amount of shit. Go to Target and buy whatever kid’s costume you can just barely squeeze your sausage torso into, then rock that tiny Spiderman suit with pride. If your junk looks like a wet clump of paper towels between your thighs, even better. Everyone loves the fat guy spilling out of his costume. It’s a Halloween classic, and even if you aren’t obese, if the costume is small enough it doesn’t matter.
Tip number three: Two weeks out from Halloween is two weeks of facial hair growth. Take advantage. All costumes are better with mustaches.
My last tip goes without saying, but you would be surprised how many people forget to do it: Get drunk early on Halloween. Drink long, hard, and fast. The first guy to puke at a Halloween party is a lot like the fat guy in the tiny suit: total crowd pleaser. Take no shame in puking, either; it’s just reverse of bobbing for apples.
What am I going as for Halloween? Oh, wouldn’t you like to know. I’ve had my idea for months. I’m going to show up with a dope costume and be the annoying guy who everyone is jealous of—but I’m not going to be a dick about it. I’ll be gracious. Because I will have taken my own advice and be completely shit-faced by then. And I’m a nice drunk. I won’t even call you out when you inform me you just came up with that killer costume “at the last minute." That’ll be our little secret, you sad bastard.
