V-Day is over, but its soul-crushing spirit doesn’t have to be
The appeal of any commercial holiday is usually worn out by the time it arrives—nobody gives a shit about the Christmas spirit or chirpy goodwill on Jan. 2. But that emotional hole is quickly filled with the greeting-card industry’s favorite guilt trip, Valentine’s Day. Advertisements begin in early January, gently prodding the public to start thinking right now about that special someone—only six weeks left! And when it’s over, guess what? Nobody cares! So, in anticipation of today’s post-Valentine’s void, Strangelunch presents this list of the least romantic, most date-unfriendly eats in the city. If there’s any lingering vibes from V-Day, whether lovey-dovey or angrily bitter, these joints will suck them right out of you.
Bourbon Grill (1618 E. Colfax Ave., 303-355-3821)
On a typically gray stretch of Colfax Avenue is Bourbon Grill, easily identified by its red awning and battered patio chairs in front. People line up at the serving hatch—there’s no indoor seating—for Bourbon chicken, a simple meal of grilled chicken over white rice, doused in the delightfully freakish Bourbon sauce. It comes slopped into a classy Styrofoam container with a couple of sides, all for around five bucks. Relish it on the sidewalk with the local bums and prostitutes, getting further and further from sticky-sweet Valentine’s Day with each savory bite.
Mustard’s Last Stand (2081 S. University Blvd., 303-722-7936 and 1719 N. Broadway, Boulder, 303-444-5841)
After a fine V-Day feast, or a grumpy solo dinner, there’s no better return to grim reality than a hot dog. It’s cheap, often made from unpleasant animal parts, and is shaped like a wang. If Cupid was a dick to you this year, a hot dog might be the best way to move forward.
Wrap your lips around the meat at Mustard’s Last Stand. The no-frills sausage shack serves Vienna Beef franks in a traditionally un-sexy and utilitarian environment. Vegetarians will rejoice at the selection of veggie burgers and dogs, but that’s about as fancy and accommodating as Mustard’s gets. If the weather’s nice, the patio by the street is great for enjoying a down-to-earth meal and inhaling exhaust fumes.
Hot Wings To Go! (45 W. First Ave., 303-744-7772)
Aside from the hot dog, buffalo wings may be the most inelegant meal possible. Imagine your beloved, face and hands smeared red with super-spicy sauce, panting like a frightened dog, the chewed-up remnants of chicken wings scattered about. Romance, begone!
Nothing beats Hot Wings To Go! for sheer, greasy un-loveliness. Squeezed into a small storefront in the Baker neighborhood, Hot Wings is a counter, a register, and a kitchen with a few beat-up barstools and a TV in the corner. A couple of plastic chairs are set up outside for your convenience. The wings come in ass-blasting flavors like XXX-Hot, Hellfire Habanero, and Death Valley. If the restaurant’s ambience is unsuitable, everything is available for delivery to your hovel of choice. Welcome back to the real world, sweet cheeks.
