This Week Ted Leo And The Pharmacists cover Tears For Fears

  • J.Lo To Re-Enact "Jenny From The Block" Video, Pretend It's A Remake Of Overboard

    posted by: Amelie Gillette March 19, 2010 - 10:03a.m.

    Can someone please give Will Smith a time-consuming acting role that doesn't involve suicide-by-jellyfish? Because apparently when Will Smith isn't acting, he's producing—which wouldn't be so bad except that for Will Smith "producing" means "horrendously miscasting a pointless remake of a beloved 80s movie so that Jaden and/or Willow will have something to do over the summer." First, it was a remake of The Karate Kid, but set in China, starring Will's favored son, and somehow about kung-fu. Now, Will Smith is remaking Overboard with Jennifer Lopez for some reason—even though the premise of the original 1987 movie is repugnant, and Guy Ritchie's remake of the similarly repugnant Swept Away starring a former pop star didn't do so well.

    From The Hollywood Reporter:

    Jennifer Lopez is in talks to star in the remake of the romantic comedy "Overboard," which Overbrook is producing for Columbia.



    The 1987 movie, which starred Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn and was directed by Garry Marshall, centered on a snooty, spoiled woman who falls off her yacht and is taken to the hospital by a local, morally challenged carpenter. When she wakes up with amnesia, he ...

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  • Mike Tyson: Boxer, Rapist, Pigeon-Racing Star Of Animal Planet

    posted by: Amelie Gillette March 19, 2010 - 12:03a.m.

    Mike Tyson: Boxer, Rapist, Pigeon-Racing Star Of Animal Planet

    It's the 35th edition of the Hatecast. In honor of the occasion, Amelie Gillette and Onion News Network writer/director Lang Fisher did their best JFK impressions for 35 wisely unrecorded minutes before discussing Mike Tyson's passion for pigeon-racing; why E!'s Pretty Wild would be nothing without an arrest for burglary; and how horse-murdering turned Lisa Jo Druck into Rielle Hunter.

    Hatecast #36: Mike Tyson: Boxer, Rapist, Pigeon-Racing Star Of Animal Planet

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  • Who Are Ke$ha's Influences?

    posted by: Amelie Gillette March 18, 2010 - 03:03p.m.

    Last night, this mysterious entity known as Ke$ha p€rform€d on American Idol, which is a popular thunderdome program about trilling.  What is Ke$ha? She is the reverse of that high-pitched ringtone that adults can't hear—only people under 20 can't hear the horrible noises she makes.

    Ke$ha (the dollar sign is silent) does not trill, but she is a musician of sorts. Based on the following video of her performance last night and nothing else, here's a short list of who (or what) Ke$ha's influences clearly are:

    —The set design of a high-school production of Cats.

    —A Casio keyboard set to "Rhumba" and boiling in a Fry Daddy

    —LFO

    —An LFO tribute band called LFAlsO

    —A talking Jem doll undergoing a lobotomy inside a pinball machine

    —N'SYNC's stirring, TV-heads rendition of "Bye Bye Bye" at the 2000 VMAs.

    —The whine of a thousand mechanical mosquitos

    —Dante

    —Teddy Ruxpin drowning in a vat of NyQuil

    —NyQuil in general

    —Landfills

    —The Indian from The Village People

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  • Breaking News: Everyone Hates The Gym

    posted by: Amelie Gillette March 18, 2010 - 12:03p.m.

    Gyms are basically rage incubators. They're sweatboxes full of smelly, moist people running side-by-side to nowhere, and patrolling trainers who say "core" every other word, and weightlifters who make sure you know just how heavy those weights are by grunting with every rep louder than the Ke$ha song (the third one in an hour) that's blasting through the gym's sound-system like a thousand steel ball-bearings dropping on a field of garbage can lids. Gyms are the worst. Everyone who goes to the gym knows this because we subject ourselves to this hell voluntarily—which is why the only thing worse than going to the gym is complaining about going to the gym. 

    But now, thanks to the New York Times, there's a new gym-related worst. Now the only thing worse than complaining about going to the gym is reading an article about how people hate being at the gym.

    “I hate working out more than just about anything,” said Ms. Podlodowski, who goes to the gym three or four times a week. “I’ll use anything I can to distract me — a book, a magazine, a friend to talk to. Without my distractions I’d ...

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  • Alternate Titles For The Bounty Hunter

    posted by: Amelie Gillette March 17, 2010 - 05:03p.m.

    In case you haven't heard because TV, movie theaters, magazines, the Internet, and scaffolding covered in posters have been merciful to you, the latest entry to the storied Step-1-lock-her-in-a-trunk-Step-2-she-falls-in-love-with-you genre is The Bounty Hunter, starring Gerard Butler in the wardrobe of a 13-year-old boy, a vaguely human-shaped pile of beige exasperation (Jennifer Aniston), and a complete lack of chemistry. Obviously, it is the worst-looking movie since Jennifer Aniston's or Gerard Butler's last movies.

    Yet, just when you think you've reached the bottom of The Bounty Hunter's awfulness, the ground gives way and the taupe tunnel of wretchedness that is The Bounty Hunter stretches on for a few more terrible feet. Case in point: "From The director of Hitch" is apparently one of this movie's selling points:

    And here's a sample of the movie's hilarious two-exes-battling-it-out revenge humor:

    Good one, The Bounty Hunter.

    If you've ever wondered what Out Of Sight would look like if filtered through The Ugly Truth, you're in luck:

    "The Bounty Hunter" just doesn't quite capture the level of awfulness on display here—also it unfairly besmerches the name of Dog, that famous bounty hunter. 

    Alternate ...

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  • Shock Artists Today Have It So Easy

    posted by: Amelie Gillette March 16, 2010 - 05:03p.m.

    Being a shock artist used to be tough. You had to collect all your fingernail clippings for twenty years and then fashion them into a mosaic of Gorbachev raping an owl; or you had to develop a plastinization process to preserve human tissue, convince the Chinese government to give you the bodies of prisoners, and then painstakingly bend and shape the bodies into weird poses. If you were feeling lazy, you used giraffe dung and old baby teeth to make a portrait of Mother Teresa—but even that took some effort. (There was the drive to the wildlife park, convincing the zookeepers you weren't totally insane, carting buckets of giraffe poop back and forth, etc.)

    Nowadays, all you have to do is dress up your adorable baby like Pinochet, and suddenly you're a shock artist whose work is all about "examining the nature of evil."

    idi awwwwmin 

    adorablef hitler

    (via Buzzfeed)

    If this looks like a joke, that's because it is a joke. Or, at least, it was. Now it's a joke and shock art that forces you contemplate both the meaning of evil and edgy Halloween costumes for your baby. 

    Still, Baby Dictators would make a pretty good Comedy ...

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  • Evidence That Kirstie Alley's Diet Is Just A Normal, Run-Of-The-Mill Diet Scam

    posted by: Amelie Gillette March 16, 2010 - 12:03p.m.

    Evidence That Kirstie Alley's Diet Is Just A Normal, Run-Of-The-Mill Diet Scam, Not A Scientology Diet Scam (According to The Today Show and Organicliaison.com)

    1. Kirstie Alley's made-up diet plan is called "Organic Liaison."

    That's an insane collision of words that telegraphs precisely how stupid this supposed "scientifically based" diet is—but "Organic Liaison" doesn't really telegraph "Scientology." If Organic Liaison were really a Scientology front, wouldn't they call it The Organic Rundown, or Organic Operating Level I?

    "Organic Liaison" just sounds like a porn set at a greenmarket, not an extension of Dianetics.

    2. When asked if Organic Liaison is a front for Scientology, Kirstie Alley only gets medium-defensive:

    On Tuesday in New York, TODAY’s Meredith Vieira asked Alley directly whether the “Organic Liaison” diet program is connected to Scientology.

    “It’s such bullsh....” Alley started to say, before Vieira interrupted and stopped her from finishing a barnyard epithet.

    See? If Organic Liaison really was a Scientology front, Kirstie Alley would probably be vulgar-expletive-level defensive, not barnyard-epithet-level defensive.

    3. Kirstie Alley's not trying to sell Scientology, she's just trying to sell some weird pink elixir that melts fat and also ...

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  • Noted Performance Artist Spencer Pratt Will Save Us All From The Net 

    posted by: Amelie Gillette March 15, 2010 - 02:03p.m.

    You might remember noted performance artist Spencer Pratt from such staged photo ops as Guns n' Beer On A Pier, Easter Nightmare, and Lifeless Plastic Shell? That's My Wife. He also once lived in a jungle with Frangela for some kind of art project that was televised by NBC.

    But now Spencer Pratt says that his performance art days are behind him. He will no longer live publicly as a professional asshole just to see what happens. Instead, Spencer Pratt has taken on a new, and far nobler mission: to protect America from cyber crimes—which are 63% worse than Crimes Against Virtual Reality.

    From People:

    "In the last few months I have discovered a new passion and new purpose to my life," Pratt tells PEOPLE. "With this in mind, I have decided to take a break from my obligations to MTV's The Hills and discontinue filming any more episodes for this current season."

    Currently studying software engineering with a focus on encryption at USC, Pratt says he's headed to work for American Defense Enterprises in their cyber security division.

    "Upon learning of President Obama's declaration that the 'cyber threat is one of the most serious ...

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  • Lady Gaga Is So Mayo

    posted by: Amelie Gillette March 15, 2010 - 10:03a.m.

    If Lady Gaga's "Telephone" video proves anything—besides what Tarantino movies look like through burning cigarette glasses—it's that Lady Gaga is very persuasive. Not only did she get Beyoncé to portray a short-circuiting robot (and, as we all know,  malfunctioning-robot-Beyoncé is the best Beyoncé), but she apparently also convinced Miracle Whip to pay her to equate their product with poison. 

    From Ad Age:

    At least nine different brands make appearances in the nine-minute music video, from Gaga's own Heartbeats headphones to a "Beats Limited Edition" laptop, from HP Envy to "telephone" partner Virgin Mobile, and from Miracle Whip and Wonder Bread to Diet Coke.

    But despite the cornucopia of products, only a handful were paid placements, said Gaga's manager, Troy Carter, CEO of Coalition Media Group.

    Mr. Carter told Ad Age that several of the brands were Gaga's ideas and did not pay to be included... Another sequence, in which Gaga poisons a whole diner full of patrons, is interspersed with footage of the singer making sandwiches with Wonder Bread and Miracle Whip. Mr. Carter said Gaga wanted to juxtapose the poison sequence with all-American brands, and suggested Wonder Bread for an unpaid placement ...

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  • Larry David Hates The Marriage Ref As Much As We Do

    posted by: Amelie Gillette March 12, 2010 - 10:03a.m.

    Last night, Larry David, a wooden lion mask from The Lion King that claimed to be Madonna, and Ricky Gervais were the big celebrity favors that Jerry Seinfeld called in for new show, Pile Of Forced Guffaws, The Ol' Ball and Chain, And A Sports Metaphor.

    Apparently, a lot of funny, talented people owe Jerry Seinfeld favors. Could you imagine the kind of show he could have put together with/for them if he expended any real thought on it? Or, he could have just expended very little thought and made a simple talk show. Instead, he gathered these people together to watch married couples fight over whether or not they should replace their living room sofa and if an iguana should be allowed in the house. No wonder Larry David was pissed:

    Larry David complaining, Madonna telling Tom Papa to go home, and Ricky Gervais giggling: This is as good as this show is ever going to get. It's over now, right?

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  • Kirstie Alley's Diet Drink Will Save The World

    posted by: Amelie Gillette March 12, 2010 - 12:03a.m.

    Kirstie Alley's Diet Drink Will Save The World

    This week on the Hater podcast, Amelie Gillette and Will Tracy, Assistant Editor of The Onion, gear up for St. Patrick's Day by ignoring St. Patrick's Day entirely. (Also they drove snakes into the recording studio, just to be contrary.) Instead they talk about Kirstie Alley's delusions of organic diet drink grandeur; which room of your metaphorical house bad self-help books should be in; and Betty White's obvious rivalry with Rue McClanahan. Please put their ramblings in your ears!

    Hatecast #35: Kirstie Alley's Diet Drink Will Save The World

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  • It's Nearly 2012, Have You Planted Your Crisis Garden Yet?

    posted by: Amelie Gillette March 11, 2010 - 04:03p.m.

    With the economy going the way it's going, and society crumbling seemingly more than it's usually crumbling, you've got to hoard something, right? Well, why not hoard seeds? Yes, seeds. More specifically, non-hybrid seeds that you can use to plant your very own Crisis Garden, aka a Field Of Fear, which will really come in handy when the government collapses and lawlessness and violence are the only rules the populace will live by. All you need are a canister of Survival Seeds,  a spare acre of good land, and a small army to protect your Crisis Garden from the hungry, desperate swarms. (If you don't have an acre of good land or a small army, sorry, you're fucked.)    

    (Via)

    Fifty years from now:

    "Grandpa, why do you have so many dusty canisters of stupid seeds in the garage?"

    "Those are Crisis Garden seeds, and just you wait: One day they're gonna be more valuable than gold or silver. If you're lucky, I'll leave you those seeds in my will."

    "Please don't."  

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  • Dr. Drew Is Really, Really Sad He Couldn't Exploit Corey Haim In Time

    posted by: Amelie Gillette March 11, 2010 - 11:03a.m.

    When you heard about Corey Haim's death yesterday, did you put down the Sharpie you were using to sign copies of your book about the scourge of celebrity narcissism with your own giant face on the cover, rest your chin in your hand (your "concerned" pose), and think, "Hmm. Just in time for the premiere of Sober House 2!" No? Well then you're probably a whole human being, and not the vulture-brained Dr. Drew Pinsky.

    Still, he waited about 7 whole hours before before trying to capitalize on Corey Haim's death which shows the tiniest sliver possible of restraint. 

    From MTV:

    Though a drug overdose is suspected, Los Angeles police have not yet determined what substance killed actor Corey Haim, 38. But for addiction specialist Dr. Drew Pinsky, Wednesday's (March 10) headlines offered a sadly similar refrain.

    "I never met Corey, but people brought his name up to me hundreds of times, and as I'm sure I've told you, this is just the beginning of a tidal wave of more of this," he said. "My patients are dying every day from medication prescribed by my peers. And it's not just young Hollywood but ...

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  • Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Rumer Willis, A Stripper Pole, & Leo DiCaprio Form Unstoppable Nexus Of Awful

    posted by: Amelie Gillette March 10, 2010 - 12:03p.m.

    In a time long long ago, in a land far far away, Demi Moore was an actress. Now she is the person that Ashton Kutcher sometimes takes pictures of to post to his Twitter. But on occasion, when the mood strikes her and a pole, support column, or leg of scaffolding is available, Demi Moore sinks back into the fog of time until suddenly it's 1996 and she's back on the set of Striptease again. "Excuse me. Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?" she wonders aloud (as was the custom at the time) to no one in particular. "Woo! Someone crank the Wild Orchid," she yells before crossing the room and launching herself onto the nearest pole. It is always a sad, strange spectacle—but no one, especially Ashton Kutcher, dares to tell her that it's 2010, and non-strip-club pole-dancing has long-cycled past "naughty fun" to "popular workout for moms" to "marker of extreme desperation."

    Recently, though, Demi Moore took her pole-dancing reveries one step further. Either that or someone at Page Six is playing awful gossip item Mad Libs. 

    From Page Six:

    Demi Moore gave daughter Rumer Willis a pole-dancing lesson at a party ...

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  • Kathy Ireland Explains Her Kathy Ireland-ness 

    posted by: Amelie Gillette March 9, 2010 - 04:03p.m.

    There are certain performances so powerful that you can't help but watch in amazement and wonder how the actor did it. On Sunday night, the world witnessed one such performance when one-time model person Kathy Ireland played the role of Shouty Block Of Wood With Microphone. "What happened to Kathy Ireland?" we all wondered. "Is her brain somehow trapped in cement?" It was, in a word, breathtaking.

    What's great about the red carpet is that every interviewer has their own signature style. Guiliana Rancic is a bundle of carrot sticks that tries to befriend everyone. Billy Bush is an evil ventriloquist's dummy with glass eyes and a nest of stinging wasps inside his skull who yells random sentences from Variety right into people's faces. And Kathy Ireland is a sentient, unblinking block of wood that shout-talks compliments at people.  She's disconcerting and awkward and was easily the funniest thing about this year's interminable Oscars.

    Apparently some people thought that Kathy Ireland was medicated, drunk, or medicated and drunk—which is just silly because sentient blocks of wood can't consume anything but awkwardness. Still, Kathy Ireland felt the need to explain herself in the ...

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