• Choose Your Own NYC Borough Adventure!

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 3, 2009 - 05:11p.m.

    The thing that no one ever tells you about New York (until it's too late) is that every borough plays by its own rules. Unfortunately, these rules are all pretty standard movie genres. For example, if you're in Brooklyn, chances are that pretty soon after you set foot in the borough of Kings, things are going to turn into a melodrama about two young people on the cusp of adulthood. Sorry, but that's just Brooklyn. There are some nice brownstones, though. On the other hand, if you go to Manhattan, it's basically guaranteed that you're going to accidentally wind up trapped in an episode of Justin Timberlake's short-lived MTV action game show The Phone. It's a little more exciting at times, yes, but honestly it's exhausting constantly being chased down by unseen thugs who want their stupid cell phone/cornerstone of some convoluted conspiracy back. 

    Thankfully, though, Joseph Gordon-Levitt has thoughtfully put together a little visitor's guide to help you on your NYC journey.

    In case you're planning on venturing into the other NYC boroughs, their movie genres are: Coming-Of-Age Story (Queens), Musical Biopic (The Bronx), and Animal Buddy Comedy ...

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  • Berenstain Bears Movie To Change The Way You Think About Anthropomorphic Bears

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 3, 2009 - 12:11p.m.

    Thanks to Where The Wild Things Are, Hollywood now knows that you don't need to have more than 130 words in a source material to make a successful live-action children's-book-to-film adaptation. (However, you may need a lot of therapy-speak, some great costumes, and the ability to wring of James Gandolfini's loud, sonorous breathing for every ounce of dramatic effect possible.) Of course, words and already developed characters might not hurt, which is maybe why Hollywood (the giant, monolithic entity. Heard of it?) has decided to make a movie out of the beloved Berenstain Bears books. Well, that and the fact that Hollywood (the giant monolithic entity) is entirely out of original ideas. 

    From USA Today:

    Shawn Levy, director of the Night at the Museum movies, has signed on to produce a feature film based on The Berenstain Bears books, a comedy he says will be a mix of live-action and computer animation.

    The books, by Jan and the late Stan Berenstain, have maintained their popularity for almost a half-century. The characters were first published in 1962 in The Big Honey Hunt.

    "To stand that kind of test of time is pretty formidable," says Levy, who will produce ...

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  • Have You No Shame, Direct TV?

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 2, 2009 - 02:11p.m.

    Well, this is just despicable. First, DirectTV let Craig T. Nelson prop himself up with the corpse of the late Heather O'Rourke to shill for their awful cable service. But no one noticed, because whatever. Maybe there aren't a lot of Heather O'Rourke fans on the Internet? Then, those ghouls at Direct TV used poor, defenseless King Kong to sell their shoddy cable service, which is basically CGI animal abuse. Where is Peta when you need them? And then last week, the bottom-feeding leeches at Direct TV no doubt forced Chris Farley's family to sign off on a commercial using their dead son's image to sell satellite dishes—and public outrage finally erupted.

    "How dare Chris Farley's family choose how to use their son's image?" the people cried, "Only we, the people who saw his movies and laughed at his fat guy dance and who therefore own him, should get to decide these things. Probably by some kind of general ballot or Internet poll or something."

    "David Spade is just despicable. Well, more despicable than usual." Everyone agreed. "Ewwww. Yuck." We all concluded. 

    And those commercials were yucky...and irritating, just like every ...

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  • Evidence That A-Rod Is Really, Really Dull

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 2, 2009 - 11:11a.m.

    I know three things about Alex Rodriguez: 1. He plays baseball, which is a sport where the players hit a small hard ball with a long stick. This goes on forever. It is very popular. 2. He is not easily distracted. 3. He apparently dates whatever celebrity velociraptor scampers into the general vicinity of the baseball sporting grounds where he hangs out.

    But now, thanks to a recent reliable dispatch from the always-credible Us Magazine, I know something else about Alex Rodriguez: He might be the most boring individual to grace our tabloid pages in a long, long while. Let's examine the evidence that A-Rod is really, really dull:

    1. He's dating Kate Hudson.

    Which is about as exciting as dating a brick of cream cheese. The most interesting thing that anyone can say about Kate Hudson is that she's Goldie Hawn's daughter—which, frankly, would only be interesting if Kate were concieved on the set of Overboard (which, sadly, she wasn't).

    Also dating Kate Hudson, like dating Madonna, doesn't seem like an active decision. It's just something that happens to you, like catching a cold or getting a gray hair. No one ...

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  • Stupid Grown-Ups To Ruin Halloween

    posted by: Amelie Gillette October 30, 2009 - 12:10p.m.

    I'm sure it's very difficult to talk to your child about Halloween. "Sometimes, when a person and fun really love each other, the person, uh, dresses up...It's a kind of fantasy? Do you know what a fantasy is?" I mean, awkward! But you don't want your child to learn about Halloween on the streets, do you? Or, even worse, from television! No. Halloween is something that kids should learn about in an exceedingly, suffocatingly safe environment. Like their school.

    From The NY Times:

    Guns, daggers and other toy weapons have long been excisedfrom costumes at many school celebrations on Halloween. But in some classrooms across the country, the interpretation of what is too scary — or offensive, gross or saddening — is now also leading to an abundance of caution and some prohibitions.

    In a school district in Illinois, students are being encouraged to dress up as historical characters or delicious food items rather than vampires or zombies. In Texas, a school has issued suggestions for “positive costumes” for the annual Halloween dance.

    ha

    Well, I'm glad someone finally said it! Halloween should be about spreading positivity, not about who has the scariest costume or fun ...

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  • Y'all Jealous Of Sarah Palin

    posted by: Amelie Gillette October 30, 2009 - 12:10a.m.

    Y'all Jealous Of Sarah Palin

    On this special Halloween edition of the Hater podcast, Amelie Gillette and former Onion video contributor/current writer/producer for Grist.org, Jennifer Prediger, don't mention Halloween once! But they don't need to because there is something inherently scary about every topic they discussed— which fictional characters are jealous of Sarah Palin; Charmin's devious plan to confine people to bathrooms in Times Square; and Sandra "Here's A Stack Of Cakes" Lee.  Enjoy, but watch out for razorblades.

    Hatecast #20: Y'all Jealous Of Sarah Palin

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  • But What Does Mario Lopez Think About That?

    posted by: Amelie Gillette October 29, 2009 - 03:10p.m.

    A number of years ago, I was in Miami (don't ever do this) and I happened upon a crush of photographers and reporters loosely swarming on the plebian side of the velvet rope outside some club. It was the weekend of the VMAs, and apparently MTV (or Diddy Vodka, or T-Mobile Sidekick, or Diddy's T-Mobile Sidekick-Infused Vodka) was hosting some party there that night and lots of artists were supposed to attend. Like Jessica Simpson. And maybe even Joe Simpson. I was told this by a tiny, energetic blonde nugget who was waiting outside under an umbrella (it had been raining non-stop all weekend). She was a stringer for People, she said, and she just had to get some quotes tonight because so far she hadn't gotten anything, and oh my God what was she going to do? Just then, a limo pulled up and out stepped Nelly. This was the nugget's chance! She immediately sprung into action, darting through the crowd, squeezing past several other reporters and photographers and hangers-on until she was finally at the front of the pack, right up against the velvet rope. As Nelly approached, she stuck out her little digital ...

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  • Real Housewives Halloween Costume Ideas

    posted by: Amelie Gillette October 29, 2009 - 10:10a.m.

    As I'm sure you're aware, it's nearly Halloween—which means you have precious few hours left to cobble together a costume that will be the sartorial yardstick by which everyone you encounter will harshly judge you. No pressure. 

    The good news is that the walking handbags shot with botox that are The Real Housewives Of New Jersey have just posed with their unfortunate offspring for some pictures in In Touch magazine, giving the world-at-large some fresh nightmares to turn into Halloween costumes. For example, this Saturday you could be:

    Helpless Baby Swallowed By A Leopard

    yikes

    Don't forget to signal for help with your eyes!

    Despair

    oops

    This requires yards of brown tulle, a headband that looks like a tumor, and a fixed look of complete and utter despair. 

    Mommy's Little Jeremy Piven

    he won't be smiling when he sees this years from now

    Basically just dress like Jeremy Piven. But don't forget your catchphrase, "My mom made me wear this."

    Glamorous Lung

    agh!

    What would a healthy pink lung look like if it were accented with gold lamé and could almost walk? That's the question your costume will answer.

    Fashion Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy

    ugh

    Since it's not as serious as the real Munchausen Syndrome by ...

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  • When You Can't Let Your Vampire Boyfriend Drink Your Blood, Have Some Vitamin Water

    posted by: Amelie Gillette October 28, 2009 - 04:10p.m.

    Look, we've all been there: One day, you're lying in the sun with your vampire boyfriend, your cheek resting on his freezing, heartless, sparkly chest, and he's all, "Everything is so perfect. I'm so glad I decided to enroll in high school—even though technically I'm 200 years old and have graduated a number of times at this point and you would think I'd have nothing in common with kids who are literally decades younger than me—because that's where I met you, a 16-year-old." And then the next day you get a paper cut or whatever, and he's all like, "I can't be around you anymore! Peace out. I'm going to Rome."

    Vampires! They're sooo moody. You would think after the first century or two, they'd learn to deal with some of their emotional issues. It's like, sorry, I have blood. You knew that when we started going out! Duh.

    So then you rebound with this other guy, but it's just not the same, you know? For one thing, he keeps jumping into your window at night while shirtless, which, hello, is so not cool ...

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  • Finally! Something Will Tell You When To Blink

    posted by: Amelie Gillette October 27, 2009 - 06:10p.m.

    Staring: It's the great human pastime. There's nothing like a good long stare at a wall, or computer screen, or darkened window to really get the mind nice and empty. Well, emptier. It's the perfect way to sink into the vast nothingness that is forever lapping at the tiny shore of our miniscule existence. Just open your eyes and...stare. 

    But how many times have you been staring at something for hours and forgotten to blink? Hundreds? Thousands? How many times have you gone to the eye doctor complaining of chronic dry eye only to have the doctor say, "Are you looking at a screen all day long. Uh, maybe you should blink more"?

    But who can remember to blink? It's just such a pain to perform that basic human function that requires little-to-no conscious thought. If only there were something that could blink for you. A robot you could insert into your eye that would pull down your eyelid whenever blinking was necessary, or something. 

    Well, technology isn't there yet, but a Japanese company is making eyeglasses that remind you to blink, you stupid, lazy dolt.

    blink.....NOW

    From The Telegraph (via The Awl)

    The Wink ...

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  • Microsoft Has Apparently Never Seen Family Guy

    posted by: Amelie Gillette October 27, 2009 - 11:10a.m.

    When Microsoft announced that they'd be the exclusive sponsors of a live Family Guy variety show, it seemed like such a perfect fit!  After all, who doesn't love variety shows? According to the back issues of the Hollywood Reporter from the late 1960s/ early 1970s that the Microsoft executives read at the library on microfiche because they don't trust these newfangled microfiche compendiums hidden inside the computers (ironic, no?), variety shows are hot! Hotter than Lief Garrett even, who is basically the hottest thing in entertainment these days.

    So faster than anyone could say, "What about Benji The Dog Teaches You Windows 7, featuring that dog Benji from that movie Benji that everyone loves? Benji," Microsoft signed on to be the exclusive sponsors of Seth MacFarlane Will Sell You Windows 7 In A Variety Format: Live!  They heard that this Family Guy thing was "edgy," and that's just the direction they wanted for Windows 7. Why, they even call Windows 7, "The Edgy Vista" around the office!

    Then the Microsoft executives actually watched a taping of the special they were exclusively sponsoring, and found it to be a little, well, horrible. "Too horrible for Windows 7 ...

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  • Ain't No Walk-Out Like A Scientology Walk-Out

    posted by: Amelie Gillette October 26, 2009 - 04:10p.m.

    How To Get Your Point Across In A Nightline Interview:

    1. First things first, don't agree to the Nightline interview. Especially if the interviewer is Martin Bashir. You know what Martin Bashir's beat is? The crazy beat. So if Martin Bashir is assigned to interview you on Nightline, you're automatically going to look crazy just by showing up. Stay home. 

    2. If you've foolishly disregarded #1, you're left with only two options: either a.) angry smile with your eyes and let your publicist answer for you, a la Tyra in her recent Nightline interview:

    This way you look crazy, but also like a creepy control freak. (That was your point, right?)

    Or b.) Throw your mic on the ground and walk-out like an indignant child when you're asked a question you don't want to answer. 

    Unfortunately this way you look even crazier than when you showed up to be interviewer by noted crazies journalist, Martin Bashir.

    But maybe that was Tommy Davis' point? To show the world how angry, thin-skinned, and insane Scientology's highest officials can get when they don't get their way? Seems like a strange PR strategy given that ...

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  • If Jennifer Aniston Wants Her OWN Talk Show, Jennifer Aniston Will Get Her OWN Talk Show

    posted by: Amelie Gillette October 26, 2009 - 11:10a.m.

    You may remember Jennifer Aniston from her years of service on Friends, or from that one movie where love finally happened to her. Maybe you remember Jennifer Aniston from her well-documented, palpable sadness and loneliness, or from her prominent position on Joe Francis' rock-solid powerpoint defense for tax evasion. Or maybe you remember Jennifer Aniston as the vaguely human face you saw before a searing pain hit directly behind your eyes and everything went beige.

    But however you remember Jennifer Aniston, your reaction to the news that she might be getting her own talk show on Oprah Winfrey's new network will no doubt be: "Jennifer Aniston can talk?"

    From The (always reliable) NY Post:

    Aniston has agreed to do a weekly show for Oprah's new cable channel, OWN, when it finally launches sometime next year, according to a report over the weekend.

    While the idea of the former "Friends" star putting her career on hold to host a weekly cable show seems improbable at first glance, the report in London's Express newspaper says that Aniston is taken with the idea of starring on her own talk show.

    Salary would not be a factor for the actress, who ...

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  • Look deep, deep into Glenn Beck's eyes

    posted by: Amelie Gillette October 23, 2009 - 03:10p.m.

    I saw Glenn Beck's comedy-cast when it was streamed live from the Party City where Beck bought his Thomas-Paine pantaloons to movie theaters around the country earlier this year, and, obviously, it was not funny. Ridiculous, yes. Funny, no. I think this is due in large part to the fact that Beck is only funny when he's trying to be serious. Critiquing the "hidden" "socialist" artwork at 30 Rock? Hilarious. Beck's lazy protester material? Groan-inducing. 

    Which is why if Glenn Beck wants to be a comedian, he should aim not for laughs but for tears, because whenever Beck tries to be inspirational, it truly is the funniest thing he could ever do. For example, behold Beck's trailer for his upcoming holiday inspiration-fest called, The Fucking Christmas Sweater. (The "fucking" is mine.)    

    How inspired are you right now? Inspired enough to write a letter to Glenn Beck about "facing your storm" in a christmas sweater that he'll hopefully read in theaters this Christmas? No? Well, let's do it anyway!

    Dear Glenn Beck,

    After seeing your one-man movie The Christmas Sweater, I was so inspired to face my storm that I put on some Christmas socks ...

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  • Yell Me Better!

    posted by: Amelie Gillette October 23, 2009 - 12:10a.m.

    Since it's the 19th edition of the Hater podcast, Amelie Gillette and Brandon Haynes, Art Director of The Onion's Our Dumb World, decided to throw the best prime number party the world has ever seen! Which was pretty easy since it was the only prime number party the world had ever seen! For thirty blissfully unrecorded minutes, Brandon and Amelie only spoke to each other in prime numbers ("One?" "Three! Forty-seven five.") but eventually they got sick of nonsensical prime-number-speak, and discussed the prevalence of "Yell therapy" TV shows; George Clooney's sad fate; and how Maurice Sendak and Bronson Pinchot give the best interviews.

    Hatecast #19: Yell Me Better!

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