• Time To Get Gangsta On That Syphilis

    posted by: Amelie Gillette February 9, 2010 - 01:02p.m.

    Driving home from school in New Orleans every day, I'd always find myself burning with anger and thinking, "God, I really should just kill someone." Nothing would trigger this desire to kill, really. It was just a mid-afternoon spike in the natural murderous rage present in all human beings. And so at every stoplight I'd sharpen the end of my weapon of choice, a spork (for whatever reason, a spork-shiv just made more sense to me for the kind of senseless killing I wanted to do), and scan the streets for possible victims. This would go on for several blocks. But then, right before I could fashion a handle for my spork-shiv out of duct tape, I'd see it: A gigantic white billboard with the words "Thou Shalt NOT Kill" splayed across it in massive black letters. 

    "Oh, right," I'd whisper to myself before throwing my spork-shiv out of the car window and getting on the interstate towards home.      

    Naturally, I thought that the incredibly helpful "Thou Shalt NOT Kill" billboard—it's the underlining of "NOT" that really sells the message—was the best billboard New Orleans would ever have. I was wrong.

    (via Slog ...

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  • MTV Now Stands For "Mmm...TV?"

    posted by: Amelie Gillette February 9, 2010 - 09:02a.m.

    One of the certainties in this modern life is that whenever anything is written anywhere on the Internet about MTV, someone will inevitably remark, "Hey, remember when MTV played music videos?" This point will be made even though MTV has been sloughing off their music videos in favor of actual shows—well, in favor of Cribs—for at least the past 15 years, and, honestly, who cares if MTV doesn't focus on music videos anymore?  If your hankering to watch Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know?", say, or that one Ugly Kid Joe video that was all MTV played for six months in 1992 is so strong, your head might be full of glass. Anyway, you can watch VH1 Classics. That's what it's there for. (That and to provide background noise for emptying the dishwasher alone.)

    Well, apparently MTV has decided to make those "Remember when MTV stood for 'Music Television'" people seem officially crazy, hopelessly old, or some combination of the two, because the network is obliterating all trace of their music video-centric past from their logo.

    In other words, they're cropping the "Music Television" part out:

    And sometimes filling in the blanks with ...

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  • Eventually All The Holidays Will Be Ensemble Romantic Comedies Directed By Garry Marshall

    posted by: Amelie Gillette February 8, 2010 - 12:02p.m.

    Valentine's Day—the cinematic exercise in diffusion of responsibility strung together by Wil.i.am's musical dots—hasn't even destroyed comedy, romance, and America's patience for Queen Latifah in theaters yet, and it already has a sequel: New Year's Eve.

    It's all part of Garry Marshall and New Line Cinema's plan to turn every holiday (and, when they run out of holidays, every day of the week) into a half-assed ensemble romantic comedy starring everyone in Hollywood so that, eventually, the movies become the holidays.

    By 2030, the way we'll all celebrate Christmas or Wednesday is by watching Christmas Day or Wednesday,  chuckling dispassionately at whatever now hopelessly irrelevant, holiday-or-day-of-the-week-related hijinks Ashton Kutcher performs, then going to work.

    From Variety:

    New Line's moving forward on "New Year's Eve," a spin-off from its upcoming ensemble comedy "Valentine's Day" with Garry Marshall expected to return as director.

    Plans are to shoot "New Year's Eve" at the end of this year for release in late 2011 with "Valentine's Day" producers Mike Karz and Wayne Rice returning as well as screenwriter Katherine Fugate. Josie Rosen will exec produce and New Line ...

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  • No One Should Focus On Tim Tebow's Family

    posted by: Amelie Gillette February 8, 2010 - 09:02a.m.

    Tim Tebow is a guy who spends most of his time crouched over a mirror painstakingly painting Bible verses in the hollows under his eyes. In his spare time, he plays college football. Those are two perfectly good reasons why Tim Tebow should be avoided. After all, the first rule of society is: If you see someone with stuff written on their face, or facial tattoos (hi, Mike Tyson), do not engage with that person. Facial markings such as those on a human being are like bright red leaves on poisonous plants: a warning to stay far, far away. (Incidentally, the second rule of society is: College is the most annoying of all the footballs.)

    Tim Tebow, of course, wants you to engage with him. Like all face-painting crazies, he craves your attention and feeds off of your curious stares. They give him the resolve to paint longer, more obscure Bible verses on his face; they steady his hand as he does his delicate, insane brushwork along his cheeks. Which is perhaps why he and his mother put out a $3 million ad during the Superbowl asking all of America to focus on the Tebow family, or something.

    Obviously, the ...

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  • Ladies, Are You Ready For The SuperGame?

    posted by: Amelie Gillette February 5, 2010 - 01:02p.m.

    Ladies, stop applying Latisse to the cover of your Tudors Season 2 DVDs for a minute—long, luxurious lashes aren't gonna help Anne Boleyn anyway. (After all, she's a made-up character!) With The Big GameBowl this weekend, there is something way more important to do: learn football.

    Even if you have no interest in football it's important to understand football because it's football. So what is football? It may sound like something your pedicurist who can't speak English would say, but, in fact, it's a sport! A really, really complex sport with players (those are the people who play the sport), and different team colors (so you can tell the teams apart—genius, right?), and a ball (so cute), and rules (these are things the players can't break, kind of like the guidelines for applying Bare Escentuals) and stuff.

    If it all sounds pretty overwhelming, that's because it is. As Game Day Barbie would say (if she existed): "Football is hard!" Luckily, The Today Show put together a segment to help us gals understand everything we need to know about watching people throw around the skin of pigs (football term).      

    That was ...

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  • This Podcast Is Like In Cold Blood With Humor

    posted by: Amelie Gillette February 5, 2010 - 12:02a.m.

    This Podcast Is Like In Cold Blood With Humor

    This week on the Hater podcast, Amelie Gillette and former Onion video contributor/current writer and producer for Grist.org, Jennifer Prediger record their very own version of "We Are The World." It sounds a lot like the two of them discussing Steven Tyler's unwanted karaoke adventures; Harvey Weinstein's tips for NPR interviews; and Italy's sudden, unexplainable love for Auntie Mame. Please, put their ramblings in your ears.

    Hatecast #30: This Podcast Is Like In Cold Blood With Humor

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  • Finally: A Killer Tire Movie

    posted by: Amelie Gillette February 4, 2010 - 03:02p.m.

    Everything both animate and inanimate, both sentient and non-sentient will one day rise up and kill us—birds, dolls, adorable pets you buy from mysterious shops in the gothic section of Chinatown, cars, water, snowmen, trees or whatever, ski lifts, robots, orphans, etc. The only thing we can do is make movies about the oncoming object/animal/orphan insurgencies in the hope of warning humanity-at-large about the threats posed by these seemingly benign things.

    The latest of these horror movie/warnings is Rubber, a movie by Quentin Dupieux about a murderous tire. You'll never be fooled by those innocent-looking Firestones again.

    Please, Robert, don't hurt em

    From TwitchFilm:

    A group of spectators is watching a mock-projection in the middle of the desert. They make comments on the scenes of the "film" as it is occurring before their eyes: Robert, a tire that has been abandoned in the desert, suddenly comes to life, for no reason. He learns how to get around, explores the desert and discovers in himself a passion for destroying insects and various lost items. Robert soon develops a telepathic gift, which gives him the ability to destroy anything he wants, without moving...

    Robert The Tire comes to life and turns into ...

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  • Hoarding Is So Hot Right Now

    posted by: Amelie Gillette February 4, 2010 - 11:02a.m.

    In terms of the crippling problems of others we want to watch on TV, hoarding is the hot sadness. Obviously. Hoarders is the new Intervention. Clean up crews are the new rehab. Dr. Drew is probably already working on Dr. Drew Presents Dr. Drew's Clean-Up Crew With Dr. Drew for VH1, cause he always has his finger on the pulse of the trendiest, most-TV-ready mental problems.

    Naturally Lindsay Lohan wanted in on this action. After all, she has a lot of stuff—why can't she be a hoarder? Maybe she could get a special, hour-long celebrity episode of Hoarders? Or her own Vh1 series called Living Dirty With Lindsay Lohan? A commercial for The Container Store?

    As it turns out, she just got a segment on The Insider with the woman from Reno 911. It's a start!    

    Good work, The Insider. The somber brown background with the words "hoarding, clutter, loss, pain, hoarder" floating across it really underscores the seriousness of the situation. I'm sure we all hope Lindsay can organize her closet rooms.

    Also, unless Lindsay Lohan has the flattened carcasses of Steve Guttenberg, the Olsen twins, and the entire cast of Growing Pains hidden ...

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  • This Valentine's Day, Send Her The Absolute Worst 

    posted by: Amelie Gillette February 3, 2010 - 03:02p.m.

    Every episode of Millionaire Matchmaker begins with an exterior shot of the cold, beige, modern building that houses Patti Stanger’s brothel headquarters. “This is where the souls are freeze-dried, pulverized by the sonic force of Patti Stanger’s shrill voice, then scattered to the four winds,” the camera is saying. “Won’t you come inside?”

    Once inside, Patti wobbles her muppet head and says something about how her clients are ruled by their "peckers" and how every woman should wear a tight cocktail dress at all times—essentially forcing the audience to imagine a world populated by walking genitals and empty Hervé Leger dresses. This, of course, is Patti Stanger’s terrible world: Men are awful. Women are awful. Patti Stanger (also awful) makes it possible for the awful people to go on an awful date in a helicopter. This, Patti Stanger contends, is love.

    Obviously, she’s the vaguely humanoid gargoyle you’d turn to for your Valentine’s Day gift needs! Which is why 1-800-Flowers has teamed up with Stanger to provide this:

    Clearly, this isn't the best bouquet approximation of Patti Stanger. A more accurate Patti Stanger Bouquet™ would be a collection of "roses" fashioned ...

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  • Further Adventures In Press Releases

    posted by: Amelie Gillette February 2, 2010 - 06:02p.m.

    From my inbox:

    AL ROKER ENTERTAINMENT

    LAUNCHES “ROKER SHORTS”

    February 2, 2010 (New York, New York) - Al Roker Entertainment, founded in 1994 by television host and producer Al Roker, is expanding its Manhattan operation to include a full service creative production company that will include state of the art facilities to create, produce and edit commercials, corporate films & videos, webisodes, TV promos and branded content on a global basis.

    Did you know that Al Roker has a production company? That for almost 16 years now he's been plotting to take over all entertainment? That he's been quietly storing his guffaws in jars under his bed in the hope of amassing enough to form a subliminal Roker soundtrack that will play underneath all commercials, corporate films, webisodes, and TV shows across all channels for all time? I didn't. But that's why I read press releases: to learn.

    Formed in 1994, Al Roker Entertainment, Inc. (ARE) is a thriving multimedia company based in NYC involved in the development and production of network, cable, home video and public television projects.  Al Roker is CEO.ARE produces programming for a diverse clientele.  Recent productions include ...“Inside Macy’s Thanksgiving Day ...

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  • The Situation™ Is Pantaloons

    posted by: Amelie Gillette February 2, 2010 - 01:02p.m.

    Oh, those Jersey Shore kids. They're like modern-day Dennis The Menaces. (Fun fact: if Dennis The Menace were a real person and alive today, his name would be DJ Menace D, he'd tan himself to the color of canned pumpkin, and he'd carry around a spray bottle of Body Heat instead of a slingshot.) They're just loveable scamps. When they're not holding press conferences at clubs in Long Island in the middle of the day "reguarding" their security issues, or selling droopy tops that look like full-body sobs, they're just out there in the world searching for their missing cheeseballs and trademarking the nickname they gave their abs. 

    According to The Smoking Gun, Mike "The Situation" has filed with the US patent office to trademark the phrase "The Situation." Why? Because he wants to put the nickname for his abdominal muscles on various items of clothing, thus making widespread sartorial stupidity the situation. And, shockingly, there's a competition situation regarding "The Situation." Apparently, another New Jersey man has already filed to trademark the phrase so he can print it on all the blousons, pantaloons, and gussets across this fair nation.  

    From The Smoking ...

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  • Grammy Superlatives

    posted by: Amelie Gillette February 1, 2010 - 01:02p.m.

    The Grammys were distributed last night in a cavernous thunderdome that could easily seat half the population of Belgium—although I'm sure half the population of Belgium has better things to do than go to the Grammys. Justin Beiber brought his best swagger. Ryan Seacrest was allowed on stage. All of Taylor Swift's feelings were in attendance. The omnipresent Black Eyed Peas were somehow even more omnipresent. In short: it was only remotely tolerable on mute. 

    Here are some superlatives:

    Biggest (Unheeded) Cry For Attention: Pink

    Instead of performing an aerial water ballet, Pink should have just hired a skywriter to streak the words, "NOTICE ME!!" in giant letters over the auditorium. It would have been just as effective, and she wouldn't have had to slink off stage in a soaking wet spangly body stocking like some Cirque du Soleil acrobat doing the walk of shame after a wild night at Sea World. Poor Pink. She can literally be soaking wet, naked except for ribbons, and hanging from the ceiling of the auditorium, and all the Grammys want is a modern-day, Pillsbury country biscuit Rapunzel singing about how awful the cheer captain at her high school was ...

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  • How Rush Limbaugh Became A Judge At The Miss America Pageant

    posted by: Amelie Gillette February 1, 2010 - 09:02a.m.

    A few months before The Miss America pageant, Rush Limbaugh put on his favorite velour track suit, slicked some Vaseline on his front teeth, and drove to the local shopping center for a nice, long, relaxing round of mall-walking. Passing the food court, the scent of Aunt Annie's Pretzels was so thick in the air it was like a stick of butter shoved in each nostril. Rush breathed deeply and thought, "This is the life: Extremely light exercise. A mall. None of those flying liberal gargoyles attacking me from all angles. Butter-smell." 

    But a few minutes later, when he was rounding the corner by the Hammacher Schlammacher to complete his second circuit, Rush (and only Rush) saw them: A swarm of vicious, flying, liberal gargoyles. Within seconds Rush was swatting furiously at the air, punching wildly, flailing his arms like a drowning man. "Help! Help!" he yelled, but no one wanted to go anywhere near the old man in the velour suit who was angrily punching all the air around him in a two foot radius. Then, with no explanation, Rush simply stopped. The imaginary attack was apparently over. Rush very calmly walked over to a bench and sat ...

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  • Someone Wants Credit For "Boom Boom Pow"?

    posted by: Amelie Gillette January 29, 2010 - 02:01p.m.

    Like everyone else in the world who has had "Boom Boom Pow" punch  its way into his/her ears, I assumed that the song came into being when, one day, Wil.i.am sawed open a pinball machine and dumped all the contents (along with a shredded DVD of Drumline) onto a mixing board. At that exact moment, Fergie stubbed her toe and started wailing in a way that sounded exactly like a broken Teddy Ruxpin doll drowning in a vat of molasses. Unfortunately someone was recording the whole thing, and thus"Boom Boom Pow" was born.

    So it was surprising to learn (via Vulture) that there is a lawsuit alleging that actual human beings wrote "Boom Boom Pow"—or, rather, they wrote a song called "Boom Dynamite" that the Black Eyed Peas ripped off. 

    My clients [someone named Phoenix Phenom and her songwriter Manfred Mohr] submitted their copyrighted song “Boom Dynamite” to Interscope Records after Interscope had shown interest in some of their music, and the Black Eyed Peas later copied the song when they wrote “Boom Boom Pow.” A simple listening of the two songs will tell you that the songs are substantially similar, and that the hooks ...

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  • Oscar Fever Is A Terminal Illness

    posted by: Amelie Gillette January 29, 2010 - 12:01a.m.

    Oscar Fever Is A Terminal Illness

    In this very special edition of The Hater podcast, Amelie Gillette and former Onionite Brandon Haynes pass out at the gym after starving themselves for a day then using the stationary bike for about 30 minutes. Wait. Actually, that's the plot of the very special Full House episode where DJ struggled with anorexia (for 24 hours). In this very special, award-season edition of The Hater podcast, Amelie and Brandon discuss everything that is terrible about award shows, including red-carpet questions, tremor acceptance speeches, Sandra Bullock, and more.

    Hatecast #29: Oscar Fever Is A Terminal Illness

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