In this very special Thanksgiving edition of The Hater podcast, Amelie Gillette returns to talk to The Onion's Digital Director Baratunde Thurston about how their aunt's stuffing is superior to your aunt's stuffing.
Hatecast #43: Brian Williams Really Wanted To Be On This Podcast
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Dearest AV Club Readers:
This will be the last pop culture love letter for a while, because I am leaving to pursue a new, humbling, and exciting opportunity and The Hater blog and column will be going on hiatus.
In case the haunting voice, flowing white silk pirate angel costume, and barely intelligible lyrics of the IAmAngelica.com ad posted above didn't fill you with the appropriate melancholy, please gaze upon this sad relic of pop culture past:
Four years ago, I ended my very first Hater column as anyone obsessed with hammerhead sharks would: By posting a picture of Star Jones in a bathing suit. It was a proud day. My parents called to ask, "What's a hater?" I still smile just thinking about it.
From that Hater to this, I regret nothing. That picture was not a gratuitous celebrity beach photo, and it advanced the plot of my first Hater post. But if, let's say hypothetically, I were to regret something, it would probably be that I didn't find more occasions to post pictures of hammerhead sharks in bathing suits.
So how do you thank someone who's taken ...
From 20th Century Fox:ONE HARDCORE FUNNY FOUR-WAY
On June 8, The Comedies Of Judd Apatow Give Birth To One Irresistible MasterpieceLOS ANGELES, CA. – Spoofing has never been so hysterical! Get down and dirty with a horror-filled trip to get a chest wax, baby mamma drama and one middle-aged man who really needs to get laid when the comedy mash-up The 41-Year-Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall And Felt Superbad About It debuts on DVD June 8 from Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment. The wildest parody ever, it’s laugh-out-loud insanity when “MADtv” cast alumnus Bryan Callen (Bad Santa) and Noureen DeWulf (Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past) “come together” in this hilariously raunchy farce featuring favorite characters from Judd Apatow’s hit films.Look out, Friedberg & Seltzer! Watch out, Wayans! Apparently someone else finally figured out the That's What I Call Movie! formula: 1. Write down a bunch of pop culture costume ideas (These are your "jokes") 2. Put people in these costumes and put them all in front of a camera 3. Have them fight and fall down a lot 4. Fart noises 5. Run credits.But while Friedberg & Seltzer and the Wayans stick to making ...
In the months since Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland, you've probably spent entire hours, maybe even entire days pitying poor, poor Roman Polanski. Just the thought of him sitting there under house arrest in his beautiful Swiss chalet, cruelly confined like a caged bird that plead guilty to having unlawful sex with a 13-year-old after being arrested on charges of rape and sodomy and then flew to France because it didn't like the way its case was going—why, it's enough to make you cry. At the very least, you've probably contemplated dusting off your old "Run, Juice, Run" sign, crossing off "Juice," writing in "Roman," and hopping a plane to Switzerland to stand amidst the picturesque mountains surrounding Polanski's chalet and show him you understand his plight.
But Roman Polanski doesn't want you to pity him—which is definitely what everyone was doing all this time. In fact, according to a statement he released this weekend, he wants to be treated just like anyone else.
Throughout my seven months since September 26, 2009, the date of my arrest at Zurich Airport, where I had landed with a view to receiving ...
Brunch was invented in 1540 by a painfully stout, gout-ridden King Henry VIII. Virtually immobilized by a gangrenous leg wound, the King was unable to hunt or joust or stand for longer than 10 minutes, and so he devised a new royal pastime: constant eating. The legend goes that on one dreary day in March of 1540, King Henry had just finished his breakfast of three dozen goose eggs, 4 loaves of crusty bread, and a stuffed black swan when he observed: "It is not the time for lunch, yet we want another meal. Would that there were an edible bridge between the breaking of the fast and lunch...perhaps a new meal called...Brunch! We decree it to be so!" Then Henry concluded his speech the way he always did (according to Showtime's The Tudors) by screaming at the top of his lungs, "I'm the king of England!!!"
And thus brunch, the meal of kings, was established.
For centuries only the very wealthy could afford the luxurious trappings of brunch—its eggs Benedicts, its watery cocktails, its hashes made from various leftovers. Sure, that spring vegetable and chevre frittata was overpriced, but wasn't that the point ...
This week on a very special episode of the Hatecast, Theo learns a lesson about the real world and the value of a dollar when Cliff and Claire clean out Theo's room and make him buy back every one of his possessions from Rudy's "furniture store." Oh wait. That's The Cosby Show. This week on the Hatecast, Amelie Gillette and Hatecast veteran Brandon Haynes discuss Pam Grier's coked-up cervix; computers for girls; nightclubs for dogs; And Donald Trump's less-than-convincing Get Well card for Bret Michaels. (You can see why there would be confusion.)
Hatecast #42: Your Dog Doesn't Care About Patron
Sadness is all around us. This is Jessica Simpson's fault. She is a walking lacrimal gland, the font from which of all the world's tears spring, a (semi) conscious cloud of despair—yes, all sadness stems from Jessica Simpson.
So what is making Jessica Simpson sad today—thus causing a deep depression that will ripple across the globe, growing ever stronger with each passing day, until Jessica finds something new to be sad about? Jessica Simpson Sadness Watch is here once again to find out!
Q: What's making Jessica sad today?
During an episode of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" set to air Wednesday, the bubbly blond singer admitted that she doesn't always brush her teeth.
"Well, not all the time," Simpson, 29, said. "Maybe three times a week." In an attempt to explain her lack of hygiene, Simpson said she skips the recommended daily brushings "because my teeth are so white and I don't like them to feel too slippery, but I do use Listerine and I do floss every day. But I don't brush them every day."
"My lips just slide all over the place … I ...
Throughout the course of television history, there have been many shows about many different kinds of teen angst: Dorky teen angst (Freaks & Geeks, The Wonder Years), popular teen angst (Beverly Hills 90210), girl detective teen angst (Veronica Mars), show choir teen angst (Glee), cartoon teen angst (Daria), crimson-glow or alternative teen angst (My So-Called Life), etc. Yet there is one kind of teen with yards and yards of angst who has been sadly overlooked by television—his awkward moments undocumented, his pathetic crushes un-over-analyzed, his voiceovers unheard. I'm talking, of course, about teens with freakishly large penises. Where is the show about big-dicked teen angst?
Apparently, it's on MTV:
"Holy crap, dude. I think your dream girl just updated her Facebook status to single! She's probably going to tweet about it later with a #AllTheSingleLadies hashtag! Maybe you can sext her! Tag her in some photos! Profile! Gchat! FarmVille! Vlog!"
"Dude, stop it. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Oh, sorry. Sometimes when I'm really excited about being a teen, like we both are, I get caught in an endless loop of common teen references and I just can't stop. It's kinda like ...
Every once in a while, a pop-culture "controversy" will bubble to the surface like so many frothy vomit punchlines told by Glenn Beck, and it will fill you with a vague fog of rage. Certainly something about it makes you angry, but you aren't sure what. You need to hone your ire, whittle it down to a sharp prison-yard shank of emotion—and The Hater is here to help you. Together, we can harness your negativity, which, as we all know, is a great source of energy. Let's Choose Your Outrage!
Courtney Love and Billy Corgan hate each other. This has been the case almost as long as the word "Lollapalooza" has existed. The reason for this mutual hatred is largely unknown and definitely unimportant, but every now and again Corgan and Love like to remind the public that, yes, they do still hate each other. Case in point: Yesterday, Billy Corgan released a Twitter tirade against Courtney Love because, well, the Twitter and his hatred of Courtney Love were right there, why not combine them? "Only u could abandon such a beautiful, incredible child who is smarter than u, cooler than u, and better than u. Oops ...
If you watch The Real Housewives Of NYC, then you know that Countess Luann Delesseps is probably the least likely of all the walking leather handbags shot with Juvaderm on that show to attempt a singing career. (If you don't watch The Real Housewives Of NYC, then you have no idea who Countess Luann Delesseps is, and therefore you're a very lucky person.) This is because Countess Luann has the voice of a cartoon cigarette in an anti-smoking PSA. When she speaks, it sounds like her voice is trying to escape from a larynx stuffed with ash, cinders, and condescension.
Still, against the odds and everyone with functioning eardrums, Countess Luann has attempted a singing career, and when she sings she sounds like a dream—a creepy, campy, wholly computer-generated dream. If you've ever wanted to hear what a snobby disco ball doing spoken word inside of a computer sounds like, then click here.
(Song via DListed)
If you're wondering why, in God's name why this is happening, Countess Luann explains:
“My book [Class with the Countess] is about my journey in life and how I learned to be elegant. I translated that into song ...
Twilight and Twilight: New Moon have already established that vampires make the worst boyfriends. They're controlling and moody and stalk you via weird ghost visions every time they sense you're in "danger"—which translates to every time they sense you're talking to the adorable, perpetually shirtless and glistening CGI Husky who lives next door.
But let's say you decide to stick it out with your sparkly vampire boyfriend. Maybe you love his dried glitter glue pallor. Maybe you find what looks like a constant severe case of pink eye really attractive. Maybe you have literally nothing else going on in your life and so you desperately cling to supernatural creatures. What happens then? According to this trailer for Twilight: Eclipse, your relationship with your vampire boyfriend goes so stale so quickly, he's forced to start some kind of vampire/evil vampire war that also involves CGI Huskies just to spice things up. (Spoiler: it doesn't work)
"Someone's creating an army."
"An army of vampires? That's ridiculous. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go stand on a snow-covered mountain in a thin cotton button down and watch my neighbor ...
There was a funny scene in Damages this season where Arthur Frobisher (Ted Danson) observes a table read of a screenplay based on his life. At one point, after watching the read-through of a deposition scene, Frobisher gives a helpful note to the actor portraying his late attorney, Ray Fiske: "Ray Fiske was gay," he whispers to the actor. "Think about that. Play with it a little."
Apparently, this superfluous-character-detail-feeding is a common acting technique. Even Sean Penn uses it. While Penn was researching his latest role, someone at some point must have whispered in his ear, "Joseph Wilson only flies Southwest airlines, and he loves Canoe cologne. Think about that. Play with it a little."
And play with it Sean Penn did.
From The NY Post:
Valerie Plame, who was outed as a CIA agent by officials in the George W. Bush White House in 2003, is heading to the Cannes Film Festival next month to hype "Fair Game," in which she's played by Naomi Watts.
Plame told one guest that Sean Penn, who plays her husband, Ambassador Joseph Wilson, in "Fair Game," impressed her when he "flew in on Southwest Airlines and spent three days following my ...
The Hater podcast is fun, flirty, fabulous, and 40 episodes old. To celebrate this most fab of birthdays, Amelie Gillette and former Onion editor/current Hatecast veteran Megan Ganz tried to use as many "f" words as possible when discussing Sex And The City vs. The Arab World, the "brave" new world of unairbrushed photos, and those pesky Arrested Development movie rumors.
Hatecast #41: It Rubs The Sex & The City On Its Skin
Now that VH1 has decided shutter Tool Academy and dismantle the Rock Of Love franchise, hundreds of tools are roaming loose, the scent of their self-tanner filling the air, their haunting calls of "Woooooo!" echoing all around. Who will televise these tools? Who will document their courting rituals? Who will give them the dating platform they so desperately need? The Game Show Network, that's who.
Behold, Baggage, the worst game show for the worst people ever:
Baggage! Get it? Cause everyone carries around metaphorical emotional baggage, and also sometimes people carry around literal baggage filled with giant placards describing their various problems. I can't wait for the episode where the dater opens his large suitcase to reveal three small children. "My baggage is that I make three small children live in a suitcase. Ha ha. Date me!"
You would think that The Game Show Network would know that not every game show has to include the dramatic opening of many suitcases.
When we last checked in with Penn Station smoothie place spokesman Stephen Baldwin, he was in the UK playing a rousing round of the Unlikely Martyrdom Scenario Game with his fellow contestants on Celebrity Big Brother—just like Job would have done if Job were real and alive today. You see, Stephen Baldwin is a lot like the biblical figure of Job. They both believe in God. They both were wealthy at some point. And they both were tested by a very bored God: Job had his wife, children, health, and wealth taken away from him. Stephen Baldwin declared bankruptcy in 2009...and since then, according to his imdb, he's been steadily working on various projects. (Evidently, God doesn't test people like he used to.)
Like Job, Stephen Baldwin is the picture of suffering, and all Christians everywhere must give what little money they can to help "restore" Stephen Baldwin to his former glory.
At least that's what some website called the Restoration of Stephen Baldwin is advocating:
You have to admit: It's a pretty convincing case. When I think about that gleeful front-page story The Times wrote about Stephen Baldwin going bankrupt, it makes me ...
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