The Federal Reserve has re-designed the $100 bill because, why not?  The currency could use a little redecorating, no? We owe it to ourselves. Literally.

And America is definitely entering her opulent phase when it comes to her monetary notes, because the new $100 has got a lot going on: A big purple ribbon, a color-shifting liberty bell embedded in an inkwell for some reason, a giant golden feather, lots of little golden 100s everywhere, the ghost of Benjamin Franklin embedded in the fibers, crystalized tears of Native Americans instead of zeros, a special hidden "Property Of The Freemasons" watermark that only appears when you dip the bill into fresh calf's blood under a full moon then rub it with a slice of potato, etc. Overall, it looks a little nouveau.

   (photo via)

Still, it was nice of the Federal Reserve to put together this Youtube video to teach us all about this new bill that most of us will probably never encounter in real life. Apparently, the new $100 came from space and is magic:

Bell in the motherfucking inkwell, y'all!

Unfortunately, the hubris of this design probably just insures that in 50 years we'll all ...

When it comes to movie titles, it's best to go as simple as possible. To do otherwise would create unnecessary confusion, so just name an object in the movie and keep the syllable count low (People don't like a lot of syllables jumbling around in their head like pinballs). For example: If the movie is about some babies, call it Babies; If the movie takes place in some oceans, call it Oceans; if the movie is about some hilarious married killers, call it Killers; etc. No articles. No mysteries. Just name a noun, possibly pluralize it, and,  boom, there's your movie. (Incidentally, if The Hurt Locker had been called Boom, it could have been much more successful.)    

50 Cent has learned this lesson well. After Get Rich Or Die Tryin, he's learned how to pare his movie titles down to the bare minimum:

(via Vulture)

Gun. Behold the simplicity! Now the audience knows exactly what this movie is about: Gun—and possibly Val Kilmer morphing into a gun, which would sort of explain the whole "One gun. Many lives lost" thing, and also why Val Kilmer is nowhere to be found on the poster, but mostly ...

Ladies! Have you bought your tickets for Sex & The City 2: The Re-Sexening yet? Silly question: Of course you have. The second you heard Kim Cattrall say, in her best drag queen voice, "I can hear the decadence calling!" your ovaries secreted a rush of progesterone that caused your Girls Night Out to sync up with the Girls Night Out of every single woman on Earth. On May 27th, all us gals are going to ovulate glitter and go see Sex & The City 2: The Re-Sexening! It's our biological imperative! Or something.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

Indeed, Regal is offering early ticketing on "SATC2" so patrons can plan gals'-nights-out of the sort that marked the theatrical release of the franchise original, Regal marketing boss Dick Westerling said.

"Women across the country are anxious to plan events and activities related to their evening out to see the film, and they want confirmation that they have tickets," Westerling said. "Based on our experience with the first film, this can become quite an elaborate and fun-filled evening. Aside from purchasing tickets to see the movie, they are already reserving limousines and making restaurant reservations.

"The 'Sex and the City 2' film ...

Are you between the ages of 25-34? Are you too young to be considered Generation X but too negative to be considered a Milennial?  Are you tired of wondering what's going on underneath Bret Michaels' bandanna? (Trick question. We all know what's going on under there: more bandannas. It's just bandanna after bandanna leading down to his bandanna scalp, followed by his bandanna skull, and then his brain made entirely of bandannas.) If you answered "yes," "yes," and "duh" to the above, the bad news is you're part of this made-up generation called "Gen Mix." But the good news is there's a TV network just for you! It's called VH1, and it has a "new" image that is classy with a capital "K." 

From The Hollywood Reporter:

"As much as they've enjoyed the 'Love' franchise, our audience was getting a little fatigued by all those manufactured reality shows," said Tom Calderone, president, VH1. "They want more authenticity in their reality, which isn't to say that it can't be comedic and light."

To that end, VH1 is unveiling the most comprehensive lineup of original programming in its 25-year history. Before the year ...

For months now, I've assumed that this thing known as Kedollarsignha is what happens when we allow a feral child to be raised by discarded Fergie singles and a helium tank. Though it pains me to say this, I was wrong. This thing known as Ke$ha i$ not a feral child raised by inanimate objects in a cave lined with tin foil somewhere. In fact, after watching her "disco awkardness in space?" performance of "The Song From The Back-Up Plan Commercials" on SNL this weekend, it's clear that Ke$ha is the exact opposite of a feral child—she's an overgrown child beauty pageant contestant who has been led to believe that the world is one big Wow Wear competition.

How else can you explain this?      

It's painfully clear even Ke$ha has no idea what Ke$ha is.

Notice her many glances to the side of the stage, her general disconnect from the performance, and that panicked look on her face right before she approaches the ridiculous laser keyboard—Ke$ha might as well be a contestant on Toddlers & Tiaras. If the camera pulled back, we would probably see an over-zealous record executive miming ...

You might think that when a celebrity "makes" a signature perfume, all the celebrity does is slap his/her name on a perfume bottle. You probably think this because that's exactly what happens. Occasionally, a celebrity will take some pills, put on a lab coat, and sniff a bunch of fragrance sticks, but only if they're being filmed for their Bravo reality show.   

For most celebrity perfumers, that's the extent of the process. But not for Jennifer Aniston. For her, it wasn't just about the perfume destination, it was about the scent journey. 

“It’s been a year-and-a-half journey,” Aniston told WWD. “I’d been asked to do things before, and it never felt organic. But when Leon [Falic, president of the Falic Fashion Group] approached me to be involved with the process from inception to fruition, I thought, ‘This could be a creative expression.’”

"It wasn't just about showing up for a shoot and putting my name on a bottle. I felt like a little chemist," she says. "It's turned out to be an extension of myself as opposed to slapping my name on something."

Paula Abdul felt like "a little chemist" too ...

It's numerology appreciation week at the Hater podcast! In honor of the occasion, Amelie Gillette and Joe Garden, the esteemed Features Editor of The Onion, only discussed topics with a rage quotient of 7. Perfect rage! In no particular order, those topics are: Babies and other idiotic movie titles; the spate of ninjas with resumes; and why some people are disappointed Conan didn't start an actual late night war. Please, put their ramblings in your ears!

Hatecast #40: All Of Them Ninjas

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Back in 1996, when Friends was at the peak of its "The One With The Relationship Humor" powers, ABC decided that they wanted their very own version of Friends. But instead of hiring people to write it, ABC fed all of the information about the series into a super-computer the size of a small gymnasium. This took about 30 minutes. Then they pressed a comically large button that read "Generate Sitcom," and waited for their Friends rip-off to materialize. Fourteen years later, the super-computer gave them Romantically Challenged:

A bike! He rode a bike. Good one, Sitcom Rip-Off Generator.(Incidentally, computers think "I rode my bike" is a very funny joke largely because computers don't have legs. Other jokes computers enjoy: "I just played some soccer." And "I am wearing shoes.")

Well, if you ever wanted to see a sitcom that is less interesting than cork, now you can!

At this rate, ABC should have a Joey rip-off starring that guy who always has one night stands—let's call him Nicky—in about seven years.

On the list of things that will crawl in through your child's bedroom window and steal his/her innocence, "library books" falls somewhere between "Elvis Presley's hips" and "an exhausting game of lawn tennis." Parents these days are much more concerned with protecting their children from the newfangled dangers like texting, sexting, the Internet, the sexy Internet, and Shia LeBoeuf. Which is why it's almost adorable to find out that there is still a core group of parents out there going to libraries, picking up copies of The Catcher In The Rye, taking them to the librarians, and whisper-yelling, "What about the children?!? Won't someone think of the children?!" 

From The American Library Association:

For nearly 20 years, the ALA Office for Intellectual Freedom (OIF) has collected reports on book challenges. A challenge is defined as a formal, written complaint, filed with a library or school, requesting that materials be removed or restricted because of content or appropriateness. In 2009, OIF received 460 reports on efforts to remove or restrict materials from school curricula and library bookshelves.

The ALA’s Top Ten Most Frequently Challenged Books of 2009 reflect a range of themes, and consist of ...

Shrek, the green cartoon ogre, had no idea what to expect when he walked into that VMan photo shoot. Sure, he wanted to change his image—the perfect little happy DreamWorks world was so stifling, sometimes it felt like couldn't breathe, or, more accurately, that he had grown human lungs, learned how to breathe, then found that he couldn't breathe because of the suffocating perfection of Dreamworks—but VMan? They're just so fashiony and intimidating. What if they wanted him to remove his cartoon tunic? Or (gulp) his cartoon tights? What if they brought in a crate of ferrets and said, "Shrek, ferrets are really in right now. And super edgy. You want people to think you're super edgy, right? Well, then just take off all your cartoon clothes and let the ferrets crawl all over you. It's fashion!" Would he be able to say no?

But, as it turned out, the VMan people weren't like that at all. They were so...normal. In fact, the first thing that the photographer said to Shrek was, "We just want you to be comfortable and take some beautiful pictures. Just go with it." And so Shrek ...

Bruce Jenner is a scarecrow with a voicebox that sits on a couch and yells at his stepdaughters on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. But it wasn't always so. Apparently, way back in the time before time and the TV before cable networks with aggressive punctuation, Bruce Jenner was a spokesperson for Tropicana Orange Juice.

Now, Tropicana would like to remind you of that Bruce Jenner, the one you used to buy orange juice from because you wanted to look healthy just like him. They believe that maybe if you stare long enough at the withered husk of Bruce Jenner, you will eventually see the young, energetic orange juice pitchman of yore—and instead of thinking about the cruelty of time, the inevitable decay of all things, and the folly of plastic surgery, you'll think, "Yum! Orange juice!"

"Why does this orange juice taste like dust, Mr Jenner?"

"That's all in your head. Studies have shown that whenever people look at me for too long, they start to smell mummies and taste dust. And now that's one of Tropicana's Juicy Rewards."

"Yum! The inevitable decay of things!"

Kitty Kelley is a writer who measures the success of her unauthorized celebrity biographies by the number of death threats she receives from crazy fans of the subjects of said unauthorized celebrity biographies. (By this gauge, Nancy Reagan: The Unauthorized Biography is her most successful book to date.) Kelley's new book is an unauthorized biography of Oprah—and considering the number of glassy-eyed Oprah fans out there, the book should have Kelley drowning in death threats written on Kate's Paperie stationery scented with Jo Malone's Wet Grass fragrance (two of Oprah's Favorite Things™) in no time.

After all, Kelley promises that Oprah is chock-full of mysterious "secrets"—not to be confused with The Secret—about the woman who owns the letter O.

From People:

"There are so many secrets in her life," Kelley, 68, said Monday on NBC's Today show. "Secrets about her relationship, secrets within her family."

Ooh. So many secrets! Secrets like, Oprah's cousin really doesn't like Oprah: 

She may not have been well off, but Oprah was relatively "spoiled" as a little girl, her cousin said.

"Where Oprah got that nonsense about growing up in filth and roaches I have ...

Photoshop is not a renewable resource. It can only be mined from two places on Earth—underneath Sanrio headquarters in Japan, and behind the mirrored wall in the living room of Mariah Carey's NYC apartment—and once those resources are spent, it's only a matter of time before we run out of Photoshop forever. Imagine that: A world without Photoshop, where people look like people instead of shiny, vaguely human-esque lollipops, where skin looks like skin instead of melted crayons, and where your grandchildren will be forced to look upon Shia LeBoeuf's unobscured crow's feet on the covers of magazines. It is a crepey, saggy, honest future almost too hideous to comprehend.

Which is why it's now more important than ever to decrease our Photoshop dependency and develop alternative forms of image manipulation, like permanent markers and fire. We should all be striving to reduce our Photoshop footprints, because there's only so much of that precious magic to go around.

Unfortunately, no one explained any of this to Kimora Lee Simmons before she started working on the ad for her new perfume, Dare Me.

(photo via)

Either Kimora Lee Simmons used up all the ...

Dr. Drew Pinksy, of Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew, Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew, and Dr. Drew's Ol' Fashioned Healing Vapors & Hair Tonic, is obviously a great doctor. He can diagnose life-threatening drug addiction just by listening to unsubstantiated rumors. He knows which cameramen will help the most in each individual addict's recovery. And he is great at uncovering and broadcasting an addict's childhood trauma—which is the only reason anyone becomes addicted to anything ever.

In fact, Dr. Drew is such a great doctor, he diagnosed then officially cured Lindsay Lohan via an interview with the always reliable gossip website RadarOnline.

First, Dr. Drew detailed his recommended course of therapy for Lohan: 

"If she were my daughter, I would pack her car full with illegal substances, send her on her way, call the police, and make sure she was arrested. I would  make sure she was not allowed to get out of jail. I would then go to the judge and make sure she was ordered to a minimum of a three year sobriety program."

I'm sure Dr. Drew already emailed this interview to the head of development at VH1, because in addition to being ...

Just when you got the "poo-keepsie in her pants" pun out of your head, the new trailer for Sex & The City 2: The Re-Sexening is out. This time, the schlocky ladyism is so thick you can cut it with a knife—then stab it over and over again until all the gross displays of uber-wealth, "naughty" cocktail consumption, and cliches have bled out and it stops moving. But at least in this sun-bleached, bedazzled sequel, we finally get to find out what happens after you say, "I do": You and your three best gal-pals pack your most glamorous Rihanna costumes, several hundred stacks of cash, and the year 2005, and jet off to Abu Dhabi to hang out in hotel bars and cheesy mega-clubs that, frankly, could be anywhere. Oh, and maybe your ex-boyfriend is there too so you can contemplate cheating and therefore give the plot some kind of conflict. Woo! Marriage is, like, so hard, y'all!  

So basically this is like Couples Retreat, but without the husbands and with a much bigger caftan budget. I wonder if the gals will play Guitar Hero.