I’m a 17-year-old girl, and in most aspects, I’m confident with myself, my identity, and my body. Earlier this year, I met a girl. She had some serious drama at home and needed to get out of her house, so I let her stay at mine. Things went a LOT further than I was ready for. I had just had my first kiss the month before, and I didn’t feel like our relationship was ready for sex, but I went along with it because she never gave me a chance to slow things down or say no.

My feelings for her are gone; she is attractive, but we don’t connect. But she has feelings for me. How can I get her to understand, or at least respect, how I feel if she doesn’t understand why this was a big deal for me?
Growing Older Youth

There’s a movement in sex-ed circles to replace the old opt-out consent mantra, “No means no,” with a new, improved opt-in consent mantra, “Yes means yes.” YMY says it’s not good enough to wait for the other person to stop the action with a “no,” which many people ...

I work in an office tower in downtown Seattle. From time to time, I go to a bathroom on a mostly deserted floor, go into a stall, and rub out a quick one. Usually, no one comes in.

Today, just as I was blowing a load into a handful of TP, someone came into the bathroom. This person walked up to the stall and stared through the door crack. This person stood there for a second before walking over to the urinal. He finished and left. I flushed and washed my hands and left. A security guard came around the corner while I was waiting for the elevator. He rode the elevator down with me but said nothing. At the lobby, I got in the elevator that takes me back to my floor. As the door closed, I heard someone say, “See that guy?”

I am paranoid that security is going to confront me. But have I done anything illegal? I may have exercised poor judgment and been squicky, but is it illegal to masturbate in a closed bathroom stall on private property?
Suddenly Pensive About Noontime Kicks

It isn’t, SPANK, at least not in Seattle.

“There is an ...

I am a 26-year-old straight guy. My straightness and guyness are recent revelations, and it feels amazing to be able to confidently state this. Here is my trouble: I’ve had gender issues for the past five years. My now ex-girlfriend of three years said she couldn’t be with me anymore due to these issues. Our breakup was a result of my apathy in the bedroom, which was tied to my gender issues, and her fears of me transitioning into a woman. I can see now that my insecurities about myself caused me to be a selfish partner in many ways, but mainly in the bedroom. I now realize I was allowing my sexual kinks to get the best of me. I get very turned on by the idea of giving head to a guy, but in reality, it is not something that I enjoy. I also find lingerie to be very arousing. I allowed myself to focus so heavily on those aspects of my sexuality that I became insecure in my masculinity inside and outside of the bedroom. I also ended up ignoring the majority of my sexual desires as a result of my insecurity in my gender ...

I am a straight 29-year-old guy and I’ve been into ball-busting—having my balls kicked and stomped—since I was 14. The fucked-up thing is, I only enjoy getting my balls busted by other guys. I’ve been hit in the balls by girls, and it doesn’t do anything for me. I thought I might be bisexual, since I want guys to kick me in the balls, but I don’t get turned on by the idea of sucking cock or getting fucked by a guy. Only ball-busting with a guy turns me on.

I’ve tried getting busted by girls, watching videos of girls kicking men in the balls, etc., but I never even get hard from it. Sometimes I can see a good-looking guy on the street, and I’ll get hard just thinking about his feet kicking my balls. In fact, while sitting here writing this question to you, I’m hard because you’re a good-looking guy and I’d love to have you kick my balls.

In my current relationship, I’ve snuck out and met with guys I’ve found online to have my balls busted. It feels like I’m leading ...

Is it possible for a hookup to turn into a relationship?
Hoping One Person Enters

A hookup is a relationship, HOPE. It may be a short-term relationship, but it’s a relationship regardless.

And yes, a short-term hookup can turn into a long-term relationship, HOPE, but not if you’re treating your hookups like shit (because they’re only hookups!), and not if you’re willing to let the people you hook up with treat you like shit (because you’re only a hookup). Treat your hookups like people you might actually see again—like human beings with human feelings, not just human holes and/or poles—and you might actually see them again.

You might even wind up in a long-term relationship.

Now, sometimes people hook up with strangers precisely because they wanna have sex with someone they don’t know and don’t expect to see again. And that’s not always a bad idea: Having sex with someone who you don’t expect to see again can be very liberating. A girl who can’t let herself go with a guy she’s dating—maybe she fears being slut- or nympho-shamed by a boyfriend—will grind the ...

I’m gay and a junior in high school, and I’ve had a boyfriend for a year. (He’s one year older than me, Dan, so relax!) We are out to our parents and everyone is supportive. We are not bullied or suicidal or using drugs. But we are frustrated! We had sex education in our schools, but they didn’t cover gay sex. (Big surprise!) I tried to talk to my mom about gay sex, and all she said was “please use condoms.” We tried and we used condoms, but I think we must be doing something wrong, because we can’t do it. We are ready to start having real gay sex—with me on the bottom, at least for now!—and we are frustrated and feel like failures as gay men. Any advice?
Tell Us Something Helpful
P.S. Do we really need to use condoms? We are both virgins and each other’s first boyfriend.

You and your boyfriend aren’t failing gayness, TUSH.

Gay men and boys can be successes in life, in love, and in the sack without acing—or even enjoying—anal intercourse. Anal doesn’t define you as gay men, and ...

My fiancé and I have been together for six years. We’re both 27. About a year ago, he admitted to me that he is bi—which I was surprised about. I told him that I was bi-curious. We have had talks about meeting with other couples. I am very insecure. I have been with very few men and no women (beyond kissing). Today, he told me that a few weeks ago he signed us up on a personals website and posted a picture of me naked from the waist down on the site. I was shocked and upset. I have NEVER posted nude pics of myself anywhere! I felt this was a violation of my privacy. He says that I wasn’t actively doing anything about getting outside partners, so he wanted to show me that I’m attractive and that other people thought so. He got angry when I tried to explain why I was upset. He said that if this is how I’m going to react, he’d take the whole thing down. When I tried again to explain that I was hurt that he didn’t talk to me first and I actually did want ...

 I have an awesome relationship with an awesome guy. He loves me and takes care of me. I’m GGG and he’s vanilla. I only draw the line at poop, animals, and children. But he’s never asked me for anything other than vanilla sex. Which is why I don’t know what to do. I went downstairs late the other night, and he was sitting on the couch masturbating while stroking the cat, which was sitting on his chest. The cat was sitting ON him, Dan, WHILE he was yanking himself. I don’t know if he saw me. I went right back upstairs and went to bed. In the morning, he acted like nothing happened. Now I don’t know what to do. Confront him? Get him help? Get rid of the cat?
Can’t Analyze This

Pets want to be petted, and some pets are pushy about getting their pet on. Bearing that in mind, CAT, I want you to pick the two likeliest scenarios out of these four options:

A. Your boyfriend is attracted to your cat.

B. Your awesome boyfriend—unlike so many other boyfriends—is capable of doing two things at once.

C ...

I am the father of a recently out 18-year-old gay boy. Here’s the problem: My son is in a relationship with a 31-year-old guy. I’m not okay with that. Yes, my son is a legal adult at 18 and can make his own decisions, but he’s also still in high school. His mother argues that in order to be supportive, we can’t object to this relationship. I don’t think this is a gay-vs.-straight objection. If I had an 18-year-old heterosexual daughter who was in a relationship with a 31-year-old man, I would have exactly the same concerns and objections. Beyond that, even if I can establish that it’s okay to have an objection, or to feel the need to take some action to be supportive for my son, I don’t know what I can or should do. What say you, oh wise one?
One Concerned Dad

Your wife is wrong.

Homophobic parents are bad for gay kids. But “supportive” parents who let their gay kids get away with murder—supportive parents who stop parenting their gay kids because they worry about seeming homophobic if they object to lousy gay boyfriends, choices, apparel ...

I was recently advised to begin reading your column by my therapist. I am a 21-year-old male and a senior at an Ivy League school. Despite my academic success, I’ve battled a lot of stuff in the past few years: anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and porn addiction. It’s quite a load of shit to try to wade through, but I honestly feel I’m getting better.

About sex: Before I even knew what I was really doing, my fantasies involved being subjected to the erotic whims of a powerful female. I’ve tried to hide my interest in “submission” from everyone, including potential and sometimes briefly sexual partners. Only recently have I begun to address this directly. I feel it is, broadly, an issue of sexual orientation that requires something like a “coming out” process. But while there are resources out there for gay people who are coming out, I have no road map. I have told a few friends, but don’t think it’s necessary to reveal all this to my family.

I cannot have a fulfilling sexual experience unless my desire to have a tilted power dynamic is understood and indulged, and I don’t ...

Thank you for your advocacy of monogamishy. (Monogamishness?) When I fell in love with my gloriously kinky and GGG wife several years ago, we were honest about our sexual desires—vast and wide-ranging—and we negotiated an arrangement that works for us. We encourage each other’s outside crushes, and we both just want to be present while one of us is banging that outside crush. Your column gave us the tools we needed to talk with other potentially kinky folks. Thanks!

Anyway, on to our question: When one is staying at a hotel, what is the protocol for engaging in sheet-staining activities? For example, if a session might spread santorum, menstrual blood, female ejaculate, etc. all over the sheets, what to do? Is it better to cover the bed in towels and stain them instead? Are dirty sheets all in a day’s work for the housekeeper, or should we refrain from such activities in hotel rooms? We don’t want to make the housekeeping staff miserable—and we always leave a tip for the maid!—but we don’t want to refrain from sex just because my wife is on her period!
Sheets Tarnished After Intense Nooky

You ...

I’m a gay man in my late 20s who has been trying to deal with an attraction to young boys since I hit puberty. I know that what I feel is wrong and wish to Christ that I could have a normally wired brain. I have never abused a child; I do not look at child pornography. But I need to speak to a therapist, because I can’t get through this on my own. Bottom line is, I’m afraid. Seriously afraid. I don’t know what my legal rights are, and I don’t know how to go about getting more information without incriminating myself. I’m sure there are more people than just me who need to talk about this. My problem is that I’m not financially stable enough to afford seeing someone for more than a few sessions. I just can’t keep saying I’m fine, and I can’t let healthy relationships fall apart because I’m unable to talk to anyone about my problem.
Can’t Wish It Away

I shared your letter with Dr. James Cantor, a psychologist, associate professor at the University of Toronto, and editor in chief of ...

I had a threesome with my husband and another woman because I am GGG and that’s always been a fantasy of his. I laid out my ground rules, and they were violated. (I said I was uncomfortable with his P in her V, and I ended up watching them fuck.) I didn’t stop it at the time because I didn’t want to ruin it for him. It’s been some time, and my heart is still broken. I was completely down with every other aspect of the threesome, but I feel like a line was crossed. Am I wrong to feel hurt?
Heartbroken

Please hand this column to your husband. My response is for him.

You are one stupid motherfucker.

Here’s how you’re a motherfucker: Your wife agreed to have a threesome on one condition—no penis-in-vagina intercourse with the other woman. That’s a fairly common ground rule for first-time threesomes, and you agreed to honor that ground rule. But you went ahead and stuck your penis in the other woman’s vagina anyway.

Maybe you felt your wife’s no-penis-in-our-third’s-vagina ground rule was arbitrary. Maybe it seemed like a distinction without a ...

 I am a straight 24-year-old female who has known my fiancé since freshman year of college. He has a fetish where he likes to watch women use the bathroom. I knew this, having seen some of his porn early on, and I accepted it. We all have kinks. But while peeing in front of someone isn’t that big of a deal, shitting in front of someone is hard.

So we had a lovely night going, when I had to poop. We went into the bathroom together. He got very horny, but I couldn’t go. I said I was sorry, maybe I’ll be more relaxed later, and he goes, “Well, let’s fuck in here in case you have to go.” He wanted to do it sitting on the toilet with me on top. No go. Too hard, so we went in my room and had amazing sex and smoked a joint. I wanted to have sex again, but he wanted to wait to see if I could go. He said, “Drink some coffee! Smoke a cigarette!” I love him and want to be GGG, but the pressure turned me off. 1) Is this my fault for bringing ...

I headed north last week to do Savage Love Live—a rapid-fire, slightly tipsy Q&A session—at the University of Alaska Anchorage. It was my third visit to UAA and it was a blast. All of the questions in this week’s column were submitted to me by UAA students and staffers.

Should I go ahead and divorce my fantastic wife of 23 years now because gay marriage is going to destroy it eventually anyway?
Tony From Wasilla

You might as well do it now, TFW, if only to beat the rush. Just in the last couple of weeks, the 9th Circuit ruled that California’s Prop 8 is unconstitutional, the governor of Washington State signed marriage equality into law, and marriage-equality campaigns made huge strides in Maryland and Maine. Pretty soon, all the lawyers who specialize in “traditional divorce” are going to be booked solid, as traditional marriages buckle under the strain of all of this equality nonsense. Wait too long to get divorced, TFW, and you may not be able to get divorced at all. Find a lawyer now!

I am with a girl who is a female ejaculator. It’s pretty cool, but the quantity of ...