I’m a straight guy in my early 30s with an amazing girlfriend of two years. A few months ago, I felt open enough to share my taboo fantasy: father/daughter incest. My GF, to my delight, not only understands the fantasy but enjoys participating in it! Quickly: I have ZERO interest in this kind of thing actually happening. I understand the kind of damage that sexual abuse can do and has done to many, many women, and I would never pursue something like this in real life. Now the problem: We’ve added the “wrinkle” of me talking to another man on the phone while my GF fellates me. The man—a stranger, someone we found online—has been led to believe that I am being fellated by my daughter while we speak. Of course, he can hear the noises associated with said activity while he and I are talking. We do not in any way lead these guys to believe that they have a chance to meet us. We want to enjoy our sexual fantasies, but we worry that we could be inadvertently encouraging someone to make their fantasies a reality. Any advice?
No Acronym Seems To Yodel ...

I’m a 27-year-old bisexual chick who just moved in with my girlfriend of 10 months. I love her very much, and this is a great relationship—hot sex, laughs, good conversation. Here’s the thing: I like to smoke pot, and pot makes her very uncomfortable. We’ve talked about it a lot—you know how dykes are—and I’ve been up front with her from the beginning. I’m responsible and successful, and I don’t smoke that often. But I don’t like feeling guilty. I’m afraid we’re reaching an impasse on this issue. I’ve considered banishing pot from my life, but I know that some part of me would always resent her for not letting me be who I am. To her credit, she doesn’t want me to stop smoking, but she gets angry and blames herself for the whole problem. I feel like I’m asking her to change a pretty fundamental belief and I don’t know how fair that is. Basically, I need some perspective. Am I being an asshole?
Distraught Kentucky Dyke

What is it about lesbianism—even in cases of lesbian-identified bi chicks—that renders a ...

I love my husband of 20 years, but our sexual differences are putting a strain on our marriage. Ten years ago, he asked me to talk dirty to him about having sex with other men. It has progressed to him wanting to be a cuckold. I only want to be with him, but he presses the issue by verbalizing cuckold situations during sex. This makes me close my eyes and shut down. By the time he is done, I have no desire to orgasm because I no longer feel attractive. Worse, I feel like I am not enough for him. The only way he can get off is to talk about, think about, or hear me talk about having sex with other men. It makes me feel worthless as a sex partner—which is crazy, because I am attractive and open to a great deal of things (toys, games, dressing up, striptease, etc.). I long for him to touch me, kiss me, and look at me the way he used to. He is a good father and a good provider, and I love him. But this matter is crushing my self-esteem. I won’t stay much longer if this continues ...

I’m seeing an amazing guy who I met doing sex work—as in, he was paying me for straight-up sex. It’s not a Pretty Woman situation. He’s my age and not wealthy, and I’m too old for that anyway. We share a lot of geeky interests and have a great connection, and the sex is awesome. When I was seeing him for pay, I would think, “I would totally date this guy.” We transitioned to friends-with-benefits several months back. Then some “I love yous” were exchanged, and now we are in a monogamous relationship. For context, I did independent escorting for about six months while I was in school. (I played up the nerdy-grad-student angle, and that was crazy successful.) I keep thinking that there must be something “wrong” with the way we met, but maybe that’s internalized attitudes toward sex work? Can this work? Everything about our relationship feels positive, but sometimes I think, “Really? Dating your john?” Maybe I just need your okay to feel better.
Dating My John

You’ve got my okay, DMJ—and Siouxsie Q’s, too.

“People meet their significant others through work all the time,” says Siouxsie, host ...

Twenty-one-year-old female here. When we were both 14, my first boyfriend took advantage of me. I wanted to explore my sexuality a little, but things went further than I wanted. One day, we were kissing with him on top of me. We were both fully clothed, and he started rubbing up against me. I didn’t realize he was dry-humping me until after he had to leave to clean himself up. He never asked for my permission. Once I understood what had happened, I felt violated. He’d also groped my boobs on another occasion without asking. He broke up with me a couple months later. I haven’t spoken to him in seven years.

For the most part, this hasn’t scarred me too much. I’m comfortable with my sexuality. However, it’s very painful for me to think about what happened. I also avoid having sex with someone on top of me, because it reminds me of what happened and I start panicking. I want some closure so I can move on with my life. I don’t want to report him to the police because it’s not necessary—it happened so long ago. As far ...

I have a mentally disabled cousin who I haven’t figured out how to help. He’s lived for more than 40 years in the same nursing home in a small, conservative town. His mental age is about 8, there are other mental-illness issues, and he has some physical problems. He is now in his late 60s. He has always enjoyed dressing up as a woman, but given that he’s in a Christian nursing home, he must keep it fairly secret. He doesn’t want to move from his home of so many years. He periodically calls me to tell me about a dress he’s purchased or his monthly therapy sessions where he’s permitted to dress up, and I’m uncomfortable with the sexual vibe of the conversations. I would like him to have a sexual outlet, but one that doesn’t involve me. Any ideas?
She Knows It’s Really Tough

Nope.

And staging some sort of intervention now—well, the effort seems about four decades late. Even if you could find a new living situation for your cousin, SKIRT, your cousin doesn’t want to move. He seems to like where he lives, he gets ...

I’m a 24-year-old straight, married female. I have been religiously reading your column in The Portland Mercury since I was 16. Thank you for explaining things that my parents wouldn’t and for helping me clear the hurdles of adolescence!

I turn to you now for advice. Five months ago, I married the man of my dreams. He was driven, hardworking, loving, and happy. We had amazing, cosmic, and connected sex, and we enjoyed pleasing each other. We have been together for a little over a year. I realize now that it was WAY too soon to get married, but I let my romantic side get the best of me, and so here we are. We are miserable. Now when it comes to sex, it’s the furthest thing from my mind. When it does happen, it’s very one-sided. I rarely get off, and if I do, it’s on my own after he finishes because “it’s too much work” to get me off. That’s problem one.

Problem two is that on our wedding night, he broke his foot and couldn’t work as a result. After his foot healed, he quit his job. He told ...

I am a 23-year-old straight male. My ex-girlfriend and I started dating in high school, when we were both 17, and continued dating until I broke up with her the summer after our freshman year in college because things felt too serious. We continued to have sex, but I blocked out all my feelings for her, while she was open about still wanting to be with me. She started dating someone else sophomore year. I realized then that I still wanted to be with her, and I broke down emotionally and made both our lives difficult while she was dating this new guy. I was a very unattractive person then.I also found out other details by snooping. I know that during the time we dated, she faked orgasms with me. She didn’t have one with me until she introduced a vibrator the year I was having emotionless sex with her after the breakup. This made me feel inadequate. Since then, we have forgiven each other and tried several times to rekindle our romantic relationship. Unfortunately, while for me there is a sexual attraction, she says she is no longer attracted to me. I’m sensitive, fashionable, and artistic ...

DEAR READERS: Last week was made of problems. The bombing of the Boston Marathon, the explosion that leveled a small town in Texas, the rising tide of anti-gay violence in France, the North Koreans being North Korean. And when I sat down to write this week’s column—while the manhunt was still under way for the second bomber in Boston—it occurred to me that the last thing the world needs right now is more problems. So instead of the usual sex problems, STI problems, CPOS problems, and DTMFA problems, this week I’m only running letters from people who don’t really have problems. Because we could all use a break.

No problem here. I’m a straight 36-year-old guy. My wife has always been great about indulging my kinks—some femdom role play, lots of OTK spankings, rare D/s three-ways—so when she announced at age 34 that she had a kink of her own, I regarded it as my mission to make it happen. We just got back from a trip to see a safe and trustworthy friend in Los Angeles who “paid” me to have sex with my wife. (He put 20 $100 bills ...

I am uncircumcised, and the opening at the end of my foreskin is not large enough for the head of my penis to pass through. This means my foreskin doesn’t pull back when I get an erection. The Internet says this is a condition called “phimosis,” and a lot of medical websites recommend circumcision. I’m not super-excited by that idea. I don’t have any pain or difficulty with sex or urination, and I’ve never had any health problems related to being uncircumcised. The foreskin isn’t stuck or fused to the glans—the hole is just small. Is there a safe, non-surgical way to enlarge the opening in the foreskin?
Dick Hole Panic

“Tell Dick Hole Panic not to panic,” said Stephen H. King, M.D., a urologist in Washington State and my new go-to guy for all questions dick. “Phimosis occurs in an uncircumcised penis when a circular ring of the foreskin becomes scarred, often from prior infection, inflammation, or trauma. This scar prevents the normally elastic tissue of the foreskin from fully retracting to expose the head of the penis.”

Roughly one in a hundred men have phimosis, said Dr. King, “and depending on ...

I’m a gay man who has been seeing a devout Christian gay guy for one year. We have a great relationship. We have many of the same interests and respect each other’s feelings and beliefs. However, I am a Catholic who is not that religious, and he is an Orthodox Christian.

Some of his friends oppose gay marriage and think that being gay is immoral, and they are against our relationship. Since I am not a devout Christian, his friends say we should not get married. Other friends say he should not be gay at all, and that God does not love him because he is gay. I refuse to hang out with his friends because I think that they are narrow-minded morons. Am I wrong for thinking this?

Sadly, he sometimes thinks that God really does hate him because he’s gay. I try to reassure him that God does not hate him. But he feels this way because of what his “good friends” say. I think he should dump these assholes. He is often upset by conversations he has with one of his friends in particular, who insists that God does not approve of him being ...

I am trying to understand some sexual fantasies I have. They involve having sex with a woman who has a penis. Sometimes I fantasize that my wife grew a penis. The fantasies started when we first tried pegging a few years ago. We recently had our first child, and can no longer find the time for such kinky sex. These transsexual fantasies have caused a large strain in our relationship, and I don’t understand why I am having them or what I should do about them. I do not want to engage in a relationship with another person, I just want to know if it’s normal to have these fantasies.
Confused But Hopeful

Normal? No, most men don’t fantasize about their wives sprouting penises, CBH, so your fantasy isn’t normative. But no one’s sexual fantasy is. Fantasies are subjective and personal. Some are more common than others—a desire to be spanked, for instance—but even the most common sexual fantasies appeal only to small subsets of people.

Here’s what you should do about your fantasies for now: Shut up and fantasize about them. Your sex life has taken a hit because you’re ...

My brother is 22 years old and mentally ill with social anxiety on the scale of agoraphobia (officially diagnosed). He’s made significant progress in the past few years, but he’s stuck on the fact that he’s a virgin and is convinced that he’s not going to make any real social progress until that’s no longer a fact. His particular problem makes it impossible to reason with him—he’s a little Asperger’s-y—and he is convinced that he will only be able to pursue a job, have a social life, and tackle other obstacles after he loses his virginity. Financially, it would be easy for me to drive him to Nevada and eliminate the virginity issue. He’s asked our mom to do so. My family isn’t hung up on “purity” where sex and virginity are concerned, so we’re open to this. I don’t have any illusions that this will solve his problems, but my mom and I are hopeful that it would eliminate an excuse that’s keeping him from taking positive steps forward. Should I offer to take him? Or force him to sort it out on his own ...

DEAR READERS: I’m off this week. To tide all of your hot and/or kinky and/or sore asses over, here’s a column I wrote 15 years ago. Some newer readers might’ve missed this column when it originally appeared—some of you who were still in grade school, diapers, or amniotic sacs back in 1998—so I’m rerunning it now because I still get questions about “gerbiling” on a daily basis. —Dan

We were having a little office debate about “gerbiling.” How does it work? Do all gay men do this? Does Richard Gere? Does the animal get shoved up the anus with a toilet-paper roll only to suffocate seconds later? Is it the scratching or the act of killing an animal that gets people off? Why? Can’t this cause serious damage? What gives?
Curious Coworkers

Every day, my mail contains at least three questions about “gerbiling.” In the eight years I’ve been writing this column, I have never addressed the gerbil issue, but now, this week and this week only, I am breaking my silence. Clip and save this column, for I will never discuss gerbils again. Ahem. To begin, I would like ...

I’m an actor in New York City. A lot of people think actors are whores, but last week I almost became one. I responded to a casting call for a film project called Sniff. The ad—on Playbill’s website—called for two male actors to film a short scene. The pay was $100 for a day’s work. I was emailed the scene to study. It starts with two male roommates chatting on a couch. The bigger, more muscular roommate confronts the smaller, scrawnier roommate about his obsession with socks. Two pages later, the smaller roommate is being ordered to sniff, lick, and caress the larger roommate’s feet. The scene ends with the smaller roommate being forced to hold the bigger roommate’s big toes in the corners of his mouth while smiling for the camera. Write a screenplay and hire actors—is this something foot fetishists do to make low-budget softcore porn? I’m not a hater of fetishists, but it is a little strange to see something like this in a casting ad.
Freaked-Out Oblivious Thespian

P.S. The audition was surprisingly normal. I wasn’t asked to remove my clothes or lick any feet ...