Savage Love

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November 18, 2009

I am a happily married, happily non-monogamous male. We are not wild swinger types. For us, it’s more about the fact that monogamy does not work than about nailing everything that walks by. Anyway, I have encountered an odd situation a few times now, and again last night, where I’ll be flirting with a potential fling and she knows I’m married, and she’s very interested. But when she finds out my marriage is non-monogamous, she suddenly backs out. Case in point, a coworker: We have been flirting since I started my new job a few months ago. Today she asked me what my wife would do if she found out I was sneaking around on her. Good time to make a full disclosure! But when I told her my situation, that was the end of our flirtation.

Any idea why women find the idea of cheating with me okay, but once they find out I have a free go of things, they walk?
No Figuring Women

This woman didn’t find the idea of cheating with you “okay,” NFW, she wanted to fuck you because you’re married and presumably monogamous. Try to look at it ...

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November 11, 2009

I am a 30-year-old woman, married for five years to a man eight years my senior. Lately I have become more aware that I am turned on by the idea of bondage, specifically men locked up in chastity devices. I am ashamed of myself, because it seems, well, pretty perverse and disturbed.

My husband is a pretty dominant alpha-male type. I am a relatively dominant personality, but I’m a bit submissive around him in order to keep the peace, as he will not tolerate any disagreement in certain situations. So I am wondering: Is this new fetish springing from my frustration at being dominated by the man in my life, or am I just becoming more aware of my proclivities as I get older? Is this a sign of a psychological problem? Should I discuss this at all with my husband?
Turning The Tables

The emotional dynamics in your marriage—he won’t tolerate disagreement in “certain situations,” you bite your tongue to avoid conflict—sound a hell of a lot more perverse and disturbed to me than your growing awareness/acceptance of your interest in bondage and chastity. Your interest in consensual power exchange is as sexy as ...

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November 4, 2009

I’m a 20-year-old girl, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend, who is 23, for two years. From the get-go, he has known that I am bi, and like most straight guys, he’s happy to be with a girl who likes girls.

The thing is, I am too shy to go out and hit on a girl. Getting a man was the easy part, but getting a girl who is willing to fuck around not only with me but also with my boyfriend is a daunting task. I encourage my boyfriend to talk to women since he is good eye candy. But I get kinda sorta jealous when he actually goes and talks to other women. It’s a weird game that gives me a headache. All I want is to satisfy my cravings for a woman—is that too much to ask? Am I just being selfish? Why can’t girls just appear in my bedroom?
Crazy About Girls Eternally

Because you’re not Logan, CAGE, and there’s no such thing as the Circuit—not yet, anyway, even if the Internet kinda sorta comes close.

If watching your boyfriend hit on girls—ostensibly on your behalf ...

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October 28, 2009

I’m a 67-year-old woman, almost 68, who has been married four times—once widowed (with three kids in their 40s who’ve turned out pretty well), divorced three times. I recently met someone online: 48, a wealthy, educated man with two boys, 12 and 14. He lives the cuckoldt lifestyle and is looking for a woman to marry who would participate and enjoy this with him. He says he “craves and needs” this lifestyle, and from what he’s said so far, the boys have been trained from an early age to also live this lifestyle and would require that the woman he marries include them in all ways.

I’ve done some research and think I could be quite happy being a dominant. However, my concern is that he wants me to be sexual with the boys. He says that at home they practice familial nudity. He also wants me to take each one to a hotel on their respective birthdays (he doesn’t say at what age) and take their virginities. He has also suggested that, once we are living together, if I wake up horny I should go to one of the boys’ rooms and “grind ...

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October 21, 2009

I’m a straight teenage male, but I can’t climax unless I am stimulating my anus or rectum. I use various objects like cucumbers. The reason I don’t buy a toy is that I live in a very religious household, and my parents would disown me if they found a sex toy in my room.

I take a toilet plunger and wrap the handle with toilet paper and tissues. Then I take a plastic bag and put it over the top. After that, I wrap a rubber band around the bottom part of the bag so it can’t slide off, lube it up, and fuck away! I really like this: I can put the suction part on the floor, sit on the handle part, and basically ride it while I use my hands to stroke my dick/balls.

I know you’re thinking, “Gross! Do you realize that thing’s been in the toilet?!” But I sterilize the handle with Lysol, then put soap on it before wrapping it with toilet paper. I also put disinfectant on the plastic bag, then wash it off with water. After I’m done, I put more disinfectant/soap on the ...

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October 14, 2009

I’m a 25-year-old girl dating a 26-year-old guy. My boyfriend identifies as sexually submissive. He likes to be tied up, put in women’s underwear, and locked in a chastity device, and he has a strong urge to please. I hate the term, but I suppose you could call me a “feeder.” I am turned on by the idea of someone eating a lot of food, usually junk food, and putting on weight.

It’s probably related, but I’m also a bit of a fitness nut—I’m the type of person who gets her cat health food. Consequently, I feel somewhat guilty about indulging my fetish, but I figure every now and then shouldn’t hurt. Thing is, since I’ve been honest with my boyfriend and he knows how much this stuff turns me on, often when we go out he’ll eat too much, to please me. The short of it is, he’s put on some weight, and while the libido part of me finds it hot, the logical part of me wants him to be healthy and wants to stop this pattern before he gets, like, actually fat.

Thing is, it’s hard ...

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October 7, 2009

My partner and I have a dilemma.

We’re a straight couple. Our lives and finances are intertwined, and we are already essentially living as a married couple. Now we want to hold a ceremony with family and friends to make public the commitment we’ve already made privately. That said, we are in favor of marriage equality and are considering joining the marriage boycott (www.unmarried.org) until DOMA is repealed and every state allows gay marriage.

Our friends and family say we should get married and fight for equality “from the other side of the fence.” On the other hand, a number of the people in attendance at our wedding would not have access to the rights we’d be signing up for, and that feels unfair to us.

We’d like to know what you think. Is boycotting legal marriage a worthwhile statement for straight couples to make? Or do you think we should put gay-rights groups on our registry and fight for marriage equality as a married couple?
Hoping To Render Change

Funny you should ask, HTRC, as last weekend the boyfriend-in-America/husband-in-Canada and I attended the wedding of some dear straight friends. We weren’t ...

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September 30, 2009

About a month ago, I got drunk and slept with my friend’s girlfriend. (He’s not my best friend, more of a second-tier friend.) We both swore never to tell anyone, and left it at that. Only problem is, we’ve been hanging out a lot lately and sending private messages to each other multiple times a day, but nothing physical. It’s progressed to the point that our mutual friends are starting to notice that there’s something going on between the lady and me. And, frankly, if someone I was dating were doing what she is doing, I’d consider it cheating.

Things came to a head a few nights ago when we ended up skinny-dipping and then showering together. We are obviously infatuated. We had a long talk about what to do: We are really into each other, but there are issues. For starters, she would have to break up with her boyfriend, something she would do in theory, but there are housing issues (she lives with him) and friendship issues (her best friend is his best friend’s lady). Furthermore, I’m scared not only of getting beat to hell by her man, but of ...

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September 23, 2009

You are known far and wide as an arbiter of all aspects of sex and especially definitions of sex, so we are hoping you can give your definitive opinion on an interesting conundrum.

My wife and I were recently regaling each other with anecdotes from our past, and she easily had the most interesting story: It seems that when she was a young woman in college, a fellow student invited her over for lunch. It turns out that he thought she was lunch. He quickly had her clothes off and was kissing her, although he was still dressed. Then he brought out a vibrator. He applied the vibrator, she had an orgasm, and then she called a halt to the proceedings. They went back to school, and that was the beginning and the end of their relationship.

Did she have sex?

Now, I think any time you have an orgasm you’ve had sex, and if someone else is present, even if they’re clothed, you definitely had sex. My wife’s view is that since he never got his clothes off and she never saw his cock, she really didn’t have sex. We would like your opinion on ...

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September 16, 2009

My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year. He knows I am an insecure person when it comes to my body. I’m not overweight, I’ve been told my whole life how good-looking I am, and my boyfriend tells me he loves my body. We have an active and interesting sex life. Here is my problem: I get upset when he looks at porn. I never had a problem with porn until my previous boyfriend. (He preferred porn to sex.) I’ve been uncomfortable about porn ever since. I wish I could get over this. My boyfriend knows I would love to share pornography together, but he just does it in private.

I suppose I got upset initially because my boyfriend told me on several occasions that he didn’t need to look at porn while he was in a relationship, and I believed him. I later saw on our computer that this wasn’t true, and he kept denying it until we had an argument. It bothers me that he felt like he had to lie about it.

Any help or ideas would be greatly appreciated to help me get over this.
Feeling Fucking Frustrated ...

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September 9, 2009

As a 43-year-old single gay guy, I recently had my first spanking experience, and am now feeling extreme guilt and self-loathing. I was in a very long-term vanilla relationship for most of my adult life and never got to experience anything remotely kinky, but I’ve had an interest in it.

Long story short, I answered an online personal ad, went to this guy’s house, and let him paddle me (he had a lot of spanking equipment). I quickly blew and quickly left. There was no sex other than me jerking myself while getting hit. Now I feel just awful. It’s not the spanking itself, but rather the anonymous nature of what I did. This type of hookup is just not my thing, as I am used to sex in the context of a loving, committed relationship. I honestly feel like I’ve let myself down, like I dropped my standards, and I fear I’m sliding down that slippery slope into a life of anonymous, kinky encounters. I’ve never wanted to be one of “those guys.” I know that sounds judgmental, but it’s how I feel, and it’s killing me.

Right now I can ...

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September 2, 2009

I love my boyfriend of three years, but I fucked up. We’ve had our ups and downs—he broke up with me for two months last summer because he said he was “young and needs to feel free”—but we’ve always worked through things. He is super supportive of me, and we’ve both really grown a lot as people together. But despite the affection and love, I just don’t feel wanted. I don’t feel like he wants to fuck my brains out like he used to. In fact, he rarely does, even when I try to initiate sex. Over the last six months, I’ve struggled with depression and not feeling sexy, and not feeling wanted is making both things worse. Last year, we talked about opening up our relationship, but I wasn’t really comfortable with it.

Long story short, I went to visit a friend in another city who lives practically next door to a former fling of mine from four years ago, and I ended up fooling around with the former fling. It wasn’t full sex, but it was highly inappropriate. And yet… it felt so good to be wanted so ...

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August 26, 2009

There was a letter in your column recently that must have been painful for you to receive. I refer to the letter signed God Hates You. I’m sure you’re no stranger to hate mail, being an openly gay sex-advice columnist, but I hope you get fan mail too. But just in case: I wanted you to know that your column means a lot to me, and I love your bluntness, openness, and honesty. It is comforting to see a pragmatic, funny, and, for the most part, compassionate voice in print nowadays, especially when it comes to something that so many are as willfully ignorant about as sex.
You Do Good Work

A lot of people wrote in after reading GHY’s letter. Most wanted to reassure me that God does not, in fact, hate me. And most, like YDGW here, assumed that GHY’s letter must have hurt my feelings. I want to thank everyone for your kind words—and I mean that sincerely—but someone telling me that God hates me is about as hurtful as someone telling that the Blue Fairy thinks I look fat in these jeans. (“Really? She does? Thanks, I really needed to ...

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August 19, 2009

I just turned 20 and have been out of the closet for a year. A lesbian friend wants to hook me up with her gay friend, let’s call him Kyle, a cute, fit boy who runs track and does theater. The issue is, he’s just 17 and starting his senior year in high school, while I am entering my junior year in college. The age of consent where we live is 16. I realize the age difference is not too big, but he is technically still a minor. I’m only mildly experienced (I’ve had just one boyfriend), and I’d like to think I’m a nice guy. Also, the gay pickings are rather slim around here.

Are there certain things to keep in mind besides the usual respect and honesty, or should I treat this as any other potential meeting? Does the “campsite” rule apply with such a small age gap?

Man In Need Of Recommendation

Meet the boy.

If you hit it off, MINOR, it would be a shame if you didn’t allow Kyle to benefit from your wisdom, experience, and cock just because he wasn’t born 12 months earlier. And if ...

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August 12, 2009

Do you think post-op transgender people have any obligation to tell their lovers they were once the other sex?
On The Fence

Yes.

I’m in my 40s and straight. My wife of nine years is no longer interested in sex. Period. She relents every few weeks, but it’s never enjoyable for either of us. As a result, I haven’t had a blowjob in about eight years, I can’t touch her beautiful tits, kissing is without tongue, and our rare sex is missionary and in the dark. I’m miserable.

I believe she’s depressed. She refuses to get help, saying that if only I would do this or that, she would be more willing. But I do this and that, and she’s still not interested. After a lot of talking, she suggested that I find a girlfriend for sex. However, she set conditions that were unrealistic: She wanted to meet and approve of her before I slept with her; and I could only see this other person late at night, with the wife’s permission, which would only be granted after ALL other family obligations were satisfied (kids in bed, bills paid, trash taken out ...

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