Savage Love

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July 22, 2009

I’m a straight guy, and my first girl was very experienced—she was proud to say she’d been with at least 30 guys before me. When all was said and done, she said that I was the most well-endowed of any man she’d seen before.

In all my subsequent experiences, the women I’ve been with have noted that I am a well-equipped dude, though none of them expected it. A couple of times, this fact has come up in conversation (that first lady made a point of passing this news on to friends), and most people’s reaction is to say that I’m just so unassuming that they wouldn’t expect that from me. It’s true; I’m rather shy. When it comes to women, I am the complete opposite of cocky.

So here’s my question: Should I be advertising my “gift”? Am I supposed to be sharing my size with the world with the hopes that it pays off? Can it help me with the opposite sex to be sharing this fact early, or am I better off just letting the surprise kick in once it’s time to get naked?
Huge ...

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July 15, 2009

You were recommended to me by an acquaintance familiar with your column and podcast. Lacking other resources at this particular moment, I have decided to write to you. I am a 20-year-old male, and as such have certain desires that almost all 20-year-old males have (desires of a sexual nature). However, I am deeply religious. Religion has been for me a source of strength in my times of weakness, a rock in the times of storm, and above all a home to return to when I have lost my path. In the teachings of my particular religion, to indulge the particular desires I am experiencing will condemn me to fates too grotesque to mention. I am rational enough to realize that there is no way that I can “pray away” these desires. My question is this: How does one prepare for a life of celibacy and solitude (as that is what is required of me to remain a member of this particular faith)? Based off of what my friend has told me, I know you have little respect for religious practices and beliefs. However, these desires are not exactly something I can talk about with other members of my spiritual ...

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July 8, 2009

Here’s a hypothetical for you: You’ve been corresponding with a handsome young man who lives in Paris. You know him through a friend in France, and your friend has vetted him. He has offered to pay more than half of your airfare so that you can visit him in Paris. You’ve spoken to him on the phone, and hearing him speak to you in French makes your knees weak.

On the one hand, you can’t really afford it—and although he’s agreed to help you pay, you feel guilty for accepting his help. You’re also not working, and once you get a job you won’t be able to go. You live with your parents, and you don’t know how you’d explain taking a trip when you’re not working and technically broke. But if your parents disappeared into thin air, you wouldn’t hesitate to go. The trip also might turn out to be a crushing disappointment and a huge mistake. On the other hand, you might be passing up the romantic adventure of a lifetime. And he’s just… so… pretty.

Do you go?
Anxious Straight Girl

P.S. I ...

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July 1, 2009

I’m a 25-year-old straight female. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for only a few months, but we fell in love fast. He is a caring person, and I want to make this last. However, he doesn’t turn me on. It has nothing to do with looks—he’s GORGEOUS—but rather with the fact that I am submissive and like things rough (rape fantasies, being tied up, etc.). He is GGG and tries, but he is just too timid. The last guy I dated used to toss me around like a rag doll, and I miss being dominated.

I talked to my wonderful GGG boyfriend, and he agreed right away to have a threesome with my previous guy. I haven’t talked to the previous guy yet, but I’m sure he’d be into it. This threesome would allow my ex to do something really kinky, which I know he would love, and I would get the abuse I need and my boyfriend would get a “lesson” in the art of sub/dom sex. But…

1. Am I being a selfish bitch?

2. Is it a bad sign that he’s not satisfying me sexually at ...

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June 24, 2009

I am a fairly successful man. I don’t make bank like Wall Streeters back in the day, but I haven’t been hungry since college. My girlfriend is younger. We met when she was in grad school. Like many recent grads, she isn’t steadily employed, she’s in debt, and she’s driving an unsafe car. So I support her, house her, feed her, and pay her bills (medical, etc.). She needed to pay off her credit-card debt—28 percent interest rate!—so she took work stripping and later as an escort. Through escorting, she was able to pay off her credit-card debt in a month.

Now some guys would find this distressing, but I found it kind of hot. Here’s the thing: After she paid off her credit-card debt, she stopped escorting. I’d like her to continue part-time until she finds a career. She’s mixed on this. We would like to buy a house and make things more permanent, but our income isn’t enough to do that if she’s making waitress wages. I guess it boils down to this: I would prefer to be with a sex worker than a waitress. I ...

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June 17, 2009

I’m going to say up front that I know I am a complete and total asshole.

I have been with my current boyfriend for about three years, and we are living together. About a year ago, our relationship started to go bad when I found out I was pregnant and ended up having an abortion. Every time I look at him, all I see is this baby I didn’t have, and I feel horrible to the point where now I don’t like him to even touch me anymore. I don’t want to hurt him. I just don’t see how I can carry on in this relationship anymore.

Compounding all of that, an old flame from Europe is back in my life, and I am still in love with him and I know he still loves me. This guy was my knight in shining armor in college, but he had to return to the UK, so we couldn’t really have anything. But now the possibility is there because our lives are at a stage where we could move and make it work. I have no idea how to deal with any of this. The old ...

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June 10, 2009

I am a 28-year-old straight woman who has been dating a 24-year-old straight male for two months. Recently, I gave him oral sex while he was seated naked on my couch. The next day, as I went to sit on the couch, I noticed a brown stain on the cushion that looked highly suspicious. I have come to the conclusion that it was, in fact, poo. The stain had a streakish quality and was located where his buttcrack region was placed during the encounter. And furthermore, I smelled it. And I know what shit smells like!

Okay, so the question: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! Is this normal for men? Can I talk to him about this? Should I? I would like to be open and honest with him, but how do I even broach the subject?

I suspect that he knows that shit stains are an issue for him, because we were recently packing for a weekend trip and he got upset when I went to fold/pack his underwear. He wouldn’t let me handle the undies because he didn’t want me to “see any stains.” I didn’t think anything of it, assuming that he left occasional skid ...

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June 3, 2009

My boyfriend and I have been together more than eight months. We really love each other, and I see us spending our lives together. At least I did, until something he said a few days ago.

Long story short, for the last five months or so, he’s brought up marriage. Then a few days ago, he informed me that he actually doesn’t want a wedding. When I offered a small ceremony with just immediate family and friends, he balked and said he’s not even interested in a courthouse wedding. I asked if everything he’d said before was empty pillow talk, and he said yes. He won’t give me any better explanation than that. Oh, and this was two days after we decided I’d be moving in with him, and he still wants me to live with him even after dropping this bomb! Everyone I’ve talked to, including my therapist, said the equivalent of WTF?!?

Dan, can you decipher this male-ese for me?
Lady In A Relationship

You were discussing marriage at three months?

The fact that he would bring up marriage so early, and the fact that you didn’t laugh in his ...

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May 27, 2009

I have a problem with my happiness; he is a wonderful man who has a beauty that overwhelms me; we have a beautiful home; I am monogamous for the first time in a decade. But I just learned that I am the spitting image of a man in jail for raping my boyfriend.

He says he is not in a place to dig up his emotions about the subject and wants to hold off on sex—fine by me. I admire him and his courage to be with me despite my appearance. I still love him, but I feel like there is something I could do to help him, to help us. So I guess I am asking for suggestions.
Asking Not Begging

First suggestion: Verify his story.

If you have a stunt double out there rotting in jail somewhere for raping your Wonder Boyfriend, ANB, then there are police reports and trial transcripts and a mug shot that looks just like you. Go find ’em.

I’m an asshole, of course, for casting doubt on your beautiful boyfriend’s dramatic explanation for why his wonderfulness can’t have sex with you right now—or ever, potentially, since he’s ...

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May 20, 2009

Dear Readers: I regard this column as a sacred tryst. Your faith in my counsel and willingness to take me into your confidence moves and humbles me on a daily basis, and the seriousness with which I approach my chosen profession would normally prevent me from turning your letters over to a bunch of unruly drunks in a bar. But word somehow got around the bar where I retired to write this week’s column, and the assembled drunks insisted that they be allowed to share their hard-earned wisdom with you. So I printed out a few of your letters on the bar’s office printer—with names, e-mail addresses, and identifying details removed—and passed them around with pens and legal pads.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines “advice” as “an opinion about what could or should be done,” and opinions, as Saint Paul famously observed, are like assholes: Everyone’s got one. (Esophagans 14:20) Please note that I don’t endorse all of the asshole opinions below—particularly when murder is recommended—and rest assured that I will be drinking/writing/drinking elsewhere from now on.

My wife and I have been married for eight months, and I ...

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May 13, 2009

Over the past few years, my husband and I have realized that he has needs that I cannot meet. I do not begrudge him these needs, and I would fill them if I could. I want him to be a happy and satisfied person, not just for him, but for myself as well. We discussed opening our relationship, but our therapist recoiled at the idea. If I can’t help him and we can’t have someone else help him, what can we do? We can’t imagine breaking up, but if we’re both unhappy, then I can only assume that we will split eventually, or one of us will act out in resentment. We have been together for over a decade and love each other deeply. I am physically sick over this situation, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know that I fully trust our therapist, and I would like to hear an informed second opinion. I value your advice.
Life Decisions

Here’s an informed second opinion: Fuck your asshole therapist. And here’s a better-informed bonus third opinion:

“It’s incredibly unfortunate that some therapists either aren’t educated about open ...

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May 6, 2009

My 14-year-old son just came out to me. He has a slightly older boyfriend, and they’re going to the school dance on Saturday night. I am adjusting to a truth I had long suspected. I am worried, though, that my son will get hurt. We live in the South-North Carolina—but our town has a gay community and an annual pride parade. When I asked him if the other students at school would be cool with him bringing a boy, he said, “Who cares?” Bullying is not a huge problem at his school.

We have had the sex talk several times, but I have always assumed a hetero approach. I think my son is too young for sleepovers with his boyfriend, and I would really like him to wait a couple more years before he gets seriously sexually active, though I expect petting and kissing are givens. Any advice?
Still My Son

Treat your son to some of that equal treatment we gay people are always going on about, SMS, and treat him just like you’d treat your 14-year-old straight kid. No responsible parent would allow his 14-year-old daughter—and that’s how you should think of him ...

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April 29, 2009

Please stop using the word “retarded” as an insult, Dan. I know it can be hard to break a verbal habit, but please make an effort. Perhaps you should have a “retard jar” on your desk that you put a dollar in every time you use the word. When the jar is full, send the money to the Special Olympics.

Whatever you do, though, try to remember that you have lots of listeners and readers who have loved ones with mental disabilities, and we don’t want to hear you misuse the word “retarded.” Please don’t tell me to read or listen to other people if I don’t like what I hear. I want to read your column and listen to your podcast, but without the put-downs directed at people with mental disabilities.
The Real Other Sister

I’m going to turn over a new leaf, TROS, and make a conscious, conscientious effort to break myself of the bad habit of using the word “retard.” But I don’t think the “retard jar” is for me. Instead, I’m going to use a substitution for the word. From now on, instead of saying “retard” or “that’s so ...

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April 22, 2009

I’m a 32-year-old, very attractive, very fit SWM living in NYC. I’m well-read and well-spoken. I march to the beat of my own drum. Friends tell me that my personality is intense. It must be true—everyone concurs. I’m extremely idealistic, and I count myself as a romantic. I’m interested in an intense and consuming love affair with a woman. But friends tell me that my approach to courtship and my energy scare women off.

I’m tired of fouling things up and making myself lonely. Yet when a lady friend of mine, in response to my most recent upset, suggested I spend a night out with her where she would act as my wingman, I recoiled. Prowling for random women in a bar doesn’t fit my sense of romance.

Should I consider counseling to try to tame my personality? Should I just be myself and continue being lonely and misunderstood?

Wild Horses Drag Me Away

You don’t give me much to go on, WHDMA. It would help to know, for example, what exactly you’re doing—besides being all intensely romantic and extremely idealistic and physically fit and stuff—that scares women off ...

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April 15, 2009

My roommate is astoundingly hot. Her room is being repaired (the ceiling fell in), and at her request, I’m letting her and her boyfriend sleep in my room while I take the couch. I’ve been able to contain my attraction just fine up to now, but the minute she entered my space, I had this feeling that all bets are off. I’m considering spying on her with a hidden surveillance cam. If I had video of this girl naked, let alone being fucked, I could happily beat off to the footage for the rest of my life. Obviously it’s a breach of trust, and I’m a shitty roommate for considering it. I have a few concerns. Is this normal? Assuming that there’s no way she could find out and that I kept the video to myself and myself only, would it be so wrong? What is her reasonable expectation of privacy once she enters my room?

Thanks In Advance

Before we get to your tech-related queries, TIA, a word about a young man in Florida with tech-related troubles.

America’s current teen-sex panic—it’s always something—is about “sexting,” teenagers sending each other ...

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