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April 22, 2009

I’m a 32-year-old, very attractive, very fit SWM living in NYC. I’m well-read and well-spoken. I march to the beat of my own drum. Friends tell me that my personality is intense. It must be true—everyone concurs. I’m extremely idealistic, and I count myself as a romantic. I’m interested in an intense and consuming love affair with a woman. But friends tell me that my approach to courtship and my energy scare women off.

I’m tired of fouling things up and making myself lonely. Yet when a lady friend of mine, in response to my most recent upset, suggested I spend a night out with her where she would act as my wingman, I recoiled. Prowling for random women in a bar doesn’t fit my sense of romance.

Should I consider counseling to try to tame my personality? Should I just be myself and continue being lonely and misunderstood?

Wild Horses Drag Me Away

You don’t give me much to go on, WHDMA. It would help to know, for example, what exactly you’re doing—besides being all intensely romantic and extremely idealistic and physically fit and stuff—that scares women off ...

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April 15, 2009

My roommate is astoundingly hot. Her room is being repaired (the ceiling fell in), and at her request, I’m letting her and her boyfriend sleep in my room while I take the couch. I’ve been able to contain my attraction just fine up to now, but the minute she entered my space, I had this feeling that all bets are off. I’m considering spying on her with a hidden surveillance cam. If I had video of this girl naked, let alone being fucked, I could happily beat off to the footage for the rest of my life. Obviously it’s a breach of trust, and I’m a shitty roommate for considering it. I have a few concerns. Is this normal? Assuming that there’s no way she could find out and that I kept the video to myself and myself only, would it be so wrong? What is her reasonable expectation of privacy once she enters my room?

Thanks In Advance

Before we get to your tech-related queries, TIA, a word about a young man in Florida with tech-related troubles.

America’s current teen-sex panic—it’s always something—is about “sexting,” teenagers sending each other ...

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April 8, 2009

I recently discovered, accidentally, while moving things out of my 16-year-old son’s room prior to a renovation, a cache of my sex toys that had mysteriously disappeared over the past year. While I’ve wondered how it was possible to misplace a glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo (complete with Jesus in relief), it never dawned on me that it might be an inside job.

This raises several issues. There’s the you-stole-my-stuff problem, with responses available from the full range of the passive-aggressive scale. But the nature of the swag complicates matters. I kind of need to know whether he took them to snicker over with his friends, or whether he has used them. I’m dead certain if he’s used my insertables, that he did so without putting condoms on them first.

So it seems I need to force the you-stole-my-stuff conversation in order to have the safe-toy-use conversation. Suggestions?

Discomfited Aged Deviant

You’re gonna have to have a long talk with the little shit, DAD.

First, apologize for snooping—accidentally, of course, during “a renovation.” Uh-huh. Then bring up the sex toys. Be matter-of-fact about it, DAD, but firm enough to communicate a sense of violation: He ...

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April 1, 2009

I hope you address the recent rough-play-gone-bad death of New York City radio newsman George Weber. According to reports, it appears Weber met a guy on Craigslist for “violent sex,” and the guy stabbed Weber to death.

It’s a reminder that if you have these kinds of fantasies—Weber wanted to be bound and abused—you’re better off doing it with someone you trust and not with some random trick off the Internet. No one should wind up dead trying to fulfill a sexual desire.
Safety Conscious

First, I want to extend my sincerest condolences to George Weber’s family and friends.

Second, reading about Weber’s death reminded me of a joke—this has to be the worst start to a second paragraph ever—that Jon Stewart told on The Daily Show during the darkest days (er, years) of the insurgency in Iraq. Conservatives were complaining that a biased media wasn’t reporting any of the good news in Iraq, nothing about all those freshly painted schoolrooms or, um, all those other freshly painted schoolrooms; the news out of Iraq then was all bloodletting, beheadings, and car bombs, all the time.

“Yeah,” Stewart deadpanned. “We never hear ...

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March 25, 2009

The two things that I dig most on a woman are a nice big pair of… swim fins. Some of my earliest sexual fantasies revolve around Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep. It’s frustrating to have such a bizarre fetish. There is a small subculture devoted to scuba fetishism on the Internet, but it’s a total sausage/snorkel fest. One day I’m heading somewhere tropical like Hawaii, where I hope to meet scuba divas. Until then, what do you suggest? Give up my fetish and embrace vanilla? Or redouble my efforts to find one of the maybe half-dozen women in the world into this?
Fin Fun Fan

It’s amazing how the sight of something as innocuous-yet-titillating as the poster for The Deep can, if a young man lays eyes on it at just the right moment, endow that boy with a lifelong/love-life-complicating fetish. I ponder this phenomenon every time I see that ad for Old Spice’s new Live Wire body wash featuring an impossibly hot centaur soaping up in the shower. (While you regard your fetish as a burden, FFF, at least you can find scuba gear. Where are all the fetishists being created by ...

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March 18, 2009

I met this girl on an “adult” website, and we are supposed to meet. We first exchanged a few e-mails on the service, and then we got each other’s screen names. Then we chatted over IM twice, just the basic small talk, before exchanging numbers. It was on the phone that she told me about her rape fantasy: She has always fantasized about being kidnapped by a stranger from a public place like the grocery store, held in a dark room over the weekend, and forced to do whatever her captor wants.

Even though that sounds hot as hell, I wouldn’t do that to someone without at least meeting first. Safety first. So the idea now is to meet at a bar, have a drink, and then go back to my place and enact a date-rape scene. Not quite her ultimate fantasy, but it just so happens to be one of my all-time fantasies. We’re both turned on by the idea that we won’t even know each other that well. We will be near-strangers.

Now here comes the problem: What if she is some wacko who will call the cops on me/blackmail me and say ...

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March 11, 2009

My husband and I have been together for about four years and have been married for a little over a year. He’s 31; I’m 27. We started out as friends and soon began a long-distance relationship, until I got pregnant. We have a great friendship, and honestly I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. Here’s our problem: I have the sex drive of a 16-year-old boy, whereas he’s practically asexual. The fact that we even got pregnant is quite shocking.

Early on, it didn’t bother me much—infrequent sex is common in long-distance relationships—but now that we’re married, he would still rather jack off to porn. I’m not hideous. I’m in great shape, my “amazing ass” gets hit on all the time, and I’m an open-minded, porn-loving girl—but my husband isn’t interested. LAME. The sex he does give me is quasi-forced, strictly missionary, and at most three times a year. But the solo sex he has in front of the computer while I’m at work happens three times a week at least. LAMER.

The topic has been discussed often. Especially after I go out with ...

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March 4, 2009

I have lived with my boyfriend for almost two years. He says he loves me and does a lot of loving things for me. We are both in our early 60s, but we have the sexual energy of 20-year-olds. Here’s the problem: I am overweight (size 18). I was overweight when he met me. I now know that he hates fat women. You should hear his disgust when he sees them on TV or on the street. He has begun to tease me and make jokes about my weight. This hurts my feelings, and I have told him so. He says I’m too sensitive. What is your advice to me?
Fat And Teased

Before I answer your question, FAT, I’m going to take a little stroll down Suppressed Memory Lane: I once had a “bisexual” boyfriend. (I place bisexual in quotes, Angry Bisexual Community, only because this guy wasn’t bisexual. That doesn’t mean other guys aren’t bisexual.) My “bisexual” boyfriend liked to claim that he really wasn’t that into men until I came along—I was the magical exception, the one guy who did it for him—but even then, he told people ...

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February 25, 2009

My boyfriend of 16 months and I have a great relationship. He loves my blowjobs, but he will not kiss me if I have his come in my mouth. It grosses him out. We have talked about this, and he won’t even try. I have no problem if he kisses me after going down on me. I just want him to try. Is there something wrong with asking him to taste himself? I do it all the time and love it.

Missing Kisses

It’s funny your question—with its hint of gay panic—should arrive today. I’ve been on vacation with the family all week snowboarding in beautiful British Columbia, and what I enjoy most—besides the snowboarding and the half-naked, fully stoned Australian snowboard instructors lolling around in hot tubs at the end of the day—is watching the straight boys who refuse to sit four to a chairlift. They want to ride up alone or ride up two at a time on a four-seater with two empty seats between ’em. They seem to think gayness can be contracted through thigh-to-thigh contact.

Which it can.

Now, MK, there’s kissing someone with your come on her ...

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February 18, 2009

I dropped by four large universities last week—University of Lethbridge, State University of New York-Albany, University of Maryland, and University of Alaska-Anchorage—to do “Savage Love Live,” the college-speaking-gig version of my sex-advice column. I enjoyed visiting all four campuses, and as ever, learned a few things out on the road. (Brinking? Who knew?)

People submit questions—the ones they don’t want to be seen asking—on 3-by-5 cards at the events. Sadly, I couldn’t get to everyone’s questions at the U’s of L, NY-A, M, and A-A. Here are answers to some of the questions I missed.

At what point in a relationship is it “safe” to have an open relationship?

There’s no standard gestation period for an open relationship, no set period of time that you have to spend in the exclusivity pod. In my experience, however, the most successful open relationships I’ve witnessed—with “success” here defined as “long-lasting,” which is kind of arbitrary (can we all get behind the idea that a relationship can be short-lived and still be a success?)—were sexually exclusive for at least a year, sometimes longer, at the outset.

When asked, “How do you ...

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February 11, 2009

Recently, I celebrated my first year of marriage to the most amazing man. When we first began dating, he told me that he enjoys open sexuality and wants swinging to be part of any partnership he’s in. I regard myself as free-spirited and agreed to explore this with him. We delayed experimentation because I had a stressful job and I wanted to spend my limited free time with him instead of exploring our sexuality with multiple partners. My work situation changed, and we have since had about a dozen experiences in the past year. I have discovered that these situations are not a turn-on for me—in fact, they are a turnoff. I feel resentful after these episodes, and I don’t feel like having sex for days. We have discussed this at length, and we have been seeing a counselor. Recently, we had a civil discussion wherein we discussed the possibility of him having these sexual experiences without me, since I do not find them compelling. This idea appealed to him. He proposed going to a sex party alone that very night.

Ever since then, I have been crushed by the prospect of my husband having a sex ...

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February 4, 2009

My girlfriend and I are into male-orgasm denial. We've recently tried putting Orajel on my cock and then covering it with two condoms so she can use me as a dildo without me getting off or even feeling anything. It works great. Is there any chance of long-term health issues if we do this once a week or so?

Numb-Dicked Dude

You didn't say which kind of Orajel you are using, but I hope it's not Orajel Advanced Tooth Desensitizer. Its active ingredient—created to treat sensitive teeth, not desensitize cock—is something called "2-hydroxyethyl methacrylate," which sounds like something you might find in baby formula that was made in China. The stuff works, according to Orajel's website, "by blocking dentinal tubules, preventing excitation of the tooth nerve." And, hey, if it's safe enough for your mouth, it's probably safe enough for your cock and for newborns, right? Well, maybe not. A very quick search of the interwebs using that Googlemajob turns up a paper in the Journal of Dental Research with this rather alarming title: "2-Hydroxyethyl Methacrylate (HEMA) Is a Potent Inducer of Apoptotic Cell Death in Human and Mouse Cells."

Any responsible ...

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January 28, 2009

Please settle a difference of opinion that stumped our small group at the coffee shop: Why do guys wear socks on their feet in porn? I say it's a tradition. My friends claim it is a foot-fetish thing. My credibility rides on this, so thanks for answering.

Socked In Denver

Socks in porn a tradition? Sorry, SID, but no. Socks on feet in porn—as opposed to socks on cocks?—are like zits on butts in porn or track marks on arms in porn. They're incidental, not traditional. And unless someone licks socked feet or the socks are removed and used as gags, they're not a "foot-fetish thing." So it appears that neither you nor your friends have any credibility on porn attire, SID.

I was recently on an airplane seated next to a man talking on his cell phone. The man stated that he "was excited to use his new strap-on tonight!" It made me wonder why and how a guy would use a strap-on. Wouldn't he just use his own penis? When I glanced over at this guy, because I wasn't sure how a man would use a strap-on, he told his caller ...

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January 21, 2009

I love the wife I married two years ago, but she absolutely can't come unless she uses a vibrator on herself. She's asked me to let her use it during sex or for me to use it on her, but I've refused. It's bad enough knowing I can't compete with that thing without having to look at it.

Let's Insert My Prick

Yeah, yeah, LIMP, you can't compete. Like a lot of other men, you've fallen in love with a woman who needs intense, focused stimulation in order to come, the kind of sensation that hands, fingers, tongues, and cocks just can't provide—a woman who requires a vibrator. Now let's take a little time to grieve, shall we?

Time's up.

Now stop being such a douchebag about this, LIMP, and go ask the wife to show you just how to hold the vibrator and just where to apply pressure so that you—YOU!—can start giving her orgasms during sex. See the vibrator as a tool, moron, not a threat. If you love your wife and want her to stay married to you, LIMP, get on the proverbial ...

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January 14, 2009

I'm going to Barack Obama's inauguration in Washington, D.C., on January 20. I've spent eight years, one month, one week, and one day waiting for this. (But who's counting?) However, I am looking for suggestions for a respectful way to protest the participation of Rick Warren. As a lifelong Episcopalian, I really don't want to engage in an anti-religious protest. (FWIW: I was annoyed with some of the anti-religious people at the anti-8 rallies. We need all our allies for this fight, so don't trash the engaged, progressive religious folk!)

While my friends want me to throw shoes, that ain't gonna happen. Ideally, I'd like a peaceful, gracious way to protest Warren's participation that won't undercut this great day, a way that can be picked up (and publicized) by folks on the Mall. Any suggestions?

Faithful Obama Girl

Whatever you do, FOG, don't do those things you, um, already said you don't want to do. No one should boo or throw shoes or do anything disruptive. The American Taliban love to pretend that they're the persecuted ones around here, and booing or throwing shoes or even ...

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