What the hell do I say to my straight 14-year-old son about porn? Should I say anything? My sister tells me that all the research shows my son has been looking at porn for three years already. Am I too late?
Distressed Anxious Dad
According to the Today show and the Boston Globe and the American Family Association and most of what pops up when you Google “kids and porn,” DAD, you’re three years late to this pants-shitting party. “The average age a child first views Internet pornography is 11,” Matt Lauer warned parents on Today seven years ago. “And those kids don’t look away.”
But the alarming statistic Lauer cited—which was used to justify all sorts of proposed crackdowns on online porn—turned out to be total bullshit. Way, way back in 2005, Seth Lubove, a writer for Forbes, traced the stat back to its source. The Today show got it from the Boston Globe, the Boston Globe got it from Family Safe Media, “a small firm in Provo, Utah, [which] is in the business of scaring parents into buying software to protect their kids from Internet smut.” Family Safe Media got it from Internet Filter ...
I’m pro-choice. The anti-choice position—particularly the dumb contention that “personhood” begins when sperm hits egg—is illogical and unappealing. It’s not the most unappealing quality I can think of in a partner, though—that would probably be dishonesty. Your advice last week to the young woman who discovered that her boyfriend is anti-choice was terrible. You advised LIFE to tell her boyfriend that she’s pregnant in order to see if that changes his position. If a woman told me she was against abortion in all circumstances, I would think twice about dating her. If she told me she was pregnant and asked me to support the child, and then told me that she was just seeing how I would react, I would dump her.
Vasectomy In Montana
Pretty much everyone on God’s warming earth—pro-choice and anti-choice—thought my advice for LIFE sucked monkey ass. In my defense, I did give LIFE the option of discussing an unplanned pregnancy as a hypothetical. And even if LIFE did opt to lie—my clear preference—I didn’t intend for LIFE to drag the lie out for weeks or months. I was thinking 30 minutes tops. My ...
I recently discovered that my boyfriend of seven months and I have opposing viewpoints on the whole “life begins at conception” issue. He’s not a crazy zealot, but he is strongly against abortion. And while he won’t go so far as to say abortion should be banned, he does believe in the whole “personhood” concept, i.e., that a fetus—from the moment of conception—is a person with the same rights as any other person. This shocked me, and I almost broke up with him. He says that disagreeing on issues is fine in a relationship, but I am not so sure. I find his position abhorrent, one that ignores hundreds of real-life factors, and it opens the door for a litany of laws regulating my body. He’s a sweet, loving guy and progressive in every other way. But I’m suddenly unsure about a relationship I viewed as totally solid just a few days ago. I’m not sure if this should be a deal-breaker, or if this is just a disagreement. Please advise.
Love Is Finding Errors
Your boyfriend won’t go so far as to say abortion should be banned… or maybe he ...
Last week, I appeared at a “Savage Love Live” event at Radford University in Radford, Virginia. Questions are submitted on index cards at SLL events, which allows questioners to remain anonymous and forces them to be succinct. The crowd at Radford was large and inquisitive. The students submitted more questions than I could possibly hope to answer in two hours—and Radford students also managed to stump me. Twice. I promised the crowd that I would get answers for the two stumpers and answer as many of their other questions as I could in this week’s column. And here we go…
When I sneeze, I ejaculate. Is this normal?
Yes, totally. Nothing to worry about. This happens to all guys. That’s why they make men’s underwear out of cotton, dude.
Why do all the beautiful girls only go for guys who are assholes?
Why do all the guys only go for the beautiful girls who only go for assholes? P.S. You might want to skip the next question.
I really like this guy and I know he likes me, but he is so unapproachable! He always seems to be pissed off about something. How can I ...
I was wondering what you think about the Folsom Street Fair, the annual gay leather/fetish/BDSM street fair in San Francisco. Do you think it is still a socially relevant display? Or do you think that in this time when we are fighting for civil rights and equality that it does more harm than good?
Better Displaying San Francisco
I’m pretty sure that the Folsom Street Fair remains socially relevant—and highly so—to folks in the leather/fetish/BDSM scene in San Francisco. It’s also relevant to anyone who believes in freedom of sexual expression. (For an idea of what Folsom looks like, and to see the scale of the thing, search for “Folsom Street Fair” on YouTube.)
And it’s important to emphasize that the Folsom Street Fair, which took place last weekend, isn’t exclusively gay. Thousands of straight kinksters attend every year. About the only difference between the straight attendees and the queer ones is that no one claims that the kinky straight people at Folsom make all heterosexuals everywhere look like sex-crazed sadomasochists. (For the record: Sex-crazed sadomasochists are my favorite kind of sadomasochists.)
Straight people, of course, aren’t fighting for ...
Healthy straight male here. The problem is twofold: My girlfriend doesn’t like come in her mouth and she feels that doggy-style is objectifying to women. Therefore, we don’t do either. She says she wants to get more comfortable and try these things. But they never seem to happen—and when I bring them up, it turns into a touchy discussion. These are #1 and #2, respectively, on my list of favorite things to do in the bedroom, and I’m not okay with not doing them indefinitely. The sex is otherwise great, but I do think there’s a double standard at work here. She had an ex who refused to go down on her. When I said, “He needed to man up and take one for the team, even if he didn’t like it,” she readily agreed with me. So why can’t she “take one for the team” and swallow my come? I would feel bad if she were doing something she wasn’t comfortable with, but it disappoints me when she takes my dick out of her mouth and points it at my stomach when I start to come. I think she has a ...
I want to buy my 14-year-old niece a dildo, some lube, and an age-appropriate book about sex. (Can you recommend one?) I have her mother’s permission, but I wanted to double-check on whether there are legal issues I should be concerned about. (I live in Oregon.) Do you think it would be inappropriate for me to cross that boundary with my niece? I figure it would be less awkward to get these items from me than from her mother, and I would include a thoughtful letter on love, sex, and life with the promise that I will never bring the “gift” up, but that I will always be happy to talk if she wants to. Any other advice on how to handle it appropriately would be appreciated.
Wanted Toys Too
P.S. I am motivated to do this due to my own teenage experience of not wanting a penis to be the first thing of substance put in my vagina. I had to resort to a plastic banana, no lube. Ouch!
“Your niece is lucky to have a mom and an aunt who are invested in her sexual well-being,” says Jennifer Pritchett, the owner of Minneapolis sex-toy shop Smitten ...
I have been in a long-term relationship with a wonderful woman who doesn’t have a lot of people she socializes with in her daily life. She is a Burning Man person and converses online with other “burners.” I confronted her when I realized she was discussing the ups and downs of our relationship in a public online forum. She still hung out on that forum, but her presence diminished. I assumed she was socializing in private e-mails. A few months later, I discovered that she was actually moderating a different forum. I deleted the site from my history and decided to avoid it. Last week, while she was at Burning Man, I checked out the forum she moderates, even though I knew I shouldn’t have. What I found was that she never mentions having a boyfriend, even when it might be relevant to a discussion. I was never mentioned, not even in passing. I don’t mind that guys compliment her, and I understand the benefits of positive attention from the opposite sex. If she came to me and told me that is what she was seeking and that it was chaste, I would be fine with it ...
Not sure that even you can help with this one, but I’ll give it a shot…
My husband and I enjoy a solid, trusting BDSM relationship, and we’re both quite happy with not only our sex lives, but our lives together in general. There is one issue that concerns me. Roughly twice a month, in the middle of the night, my husband will “attack” me sexually in his sleep. I use the term “attack” lightly because the moment lasts for about 30 seconds, and generally I am able to ignore it and go back to sleep. However, there are times when I become frightened by these incidents and can’t seem to “get over it” by morning. Generally, the attacks amount to my husband groping my breast painfully and aggressively, violently digitally penetrating me, attempting to penetrate me with his penis (vaginally or orally), and/or shoving me. He doesn’t ejaculate or anything, as it is a very short incident.
He is completely unaware of what he is doing when he does it, and I have been able to wake him up (when I have been lucid enough) as it is happening (if it lasts that long ...
I am a college-age gay male. Last year, I dated two guys. The first—let’s call him Mitt—I dated for five months. He broke up with me, and it hurt as much as breakups do, but I got over it. A few months later, I dated another guy—let’s call him Paul—for a month. I really liked him, but he broke up with me, too. Then I found out that two days after breaking up with me, Paul started going out with Mitt. They knew I had dated each of them. It was the end of the school year, and I quickly left for vacation. The school year starts back up soon, and I am still pissed and hurt that they are dating. Do I have a right to be? Should I just get over myself? Should I just do my best to avoid them?
Exes Became A Couple
Avoid them for now, EBAC, and get over yourself.
Gays and lesbians are about 2 to 5 percent of the population. I’m afraid that arithmetic precludes us from hewing to the “bro code”—at least where dating friends-of-exes, exes-of-friends, or exes-of-exes are concerned. We simply don ...
I’ve been confused about my sexuality for two years. I am a 22-year-old female. I liked guys when I was in school, but then, in perhaps the most stereotypical of fashions, I developed a huge crush on Tegan And Sara when I was nearly 20. I like the idea of being with women, but I have never had a major crush on anyone since. So I’m really confused over what my sexual orientation actually is. I know many hetero-identifying people experience same-sex crushes, but can someone’s whole sexual orientation just change overnight? My confusion is compounded by the fact that I’ve never even held someone’s hand, been kissed, or done anything else. I really want to experience such things, have an awesome relationship, and generally just stop feeling like a complete loser. Any help appreciated!
Awfully Nervous Over Newness
“When I was young, I dated boys,” said Tegan Quin, half of the popular indie duo that prompted you to question your sexuality. “I never thought about love or being ‘in love.’ And I never thought about sexuality. I was lucky to have a group of friends much more interested in each other than dating. And ...
DEAR READERS: I’m on vacation for the next two weeks. This week’s column features three recent Savage Love Letters of the Day. (The SLLOTD goes out to folks who have the Savage Love app for iPhone and Android.) I hope everyone is having a great summer, and I’ll see you in two weeks. —Dan
I’m 16 and I like my friend’s mom who is 35. She’s married and has two kids. But I really like her. What should I do?
Help One Really Needy Youth
Here’s what you shouldn’t do: You shouldn’t say anything—not to your friend, not to your friend’s mother—and you certainly shouldn’t try anything.
Here’s what you should do: You should masturbate about your friend’s mom just as much as you like—and you should take the advice I gave another horny 16-year-old boy a couple of years back. This one happened to be gay, but the advice still applies:
“Worry less about getting your 16-year-old self laid and more about getting your 20-year-old self laid. Get out of the house and do shit, get books and read shit, volunteer for a ...
I have a question regarding pornography usage and browser histories. As a matter of courtesy to my wife (and anyone else who may use our devices), I always clear the browser history on whatever device (computer/iPad) I may have used to view pornography. I have always just assumed that she doesn’t want to see “Teen Anal Adventures” or “Lifestyles Of The Deep And Fisted” when she logs onto the browser history. However, the other day, she noticed a blank browser history and berated me for “keeping secrets” from her regarding my masturbatory viewings. I thought I was following proper etiquette by erasing the browser history. Now I am not so sure. Your thoughts?
Wondering Husband Always Clears Kache
If your wife enjoys porn, doesn’t smut-shame you for enjoying porn, and wants to check out your browser history because she finds it titillating to review your recent porn picks, then stop clearing your browser history.
But if your wife hates porn and smut-shames you for watching porn, WHACK, then keep clearing your browser history. She’s not angry that you’re keeping secrets. She’s angry that you’re watching porn and she’s trying to create a ...
I am a hetero female, but one of my biggest fantasies is for a guy to dress up in women’s underwear. Not full-blown drag, just a teddy, fishnets, and some heels. He doesn’t even have to act like a woman. I just want him to parade around a bit, and just for me. I’ve had the ovaries to bring this up only twice to men I’ve been with. My first boyfriend was game, but I was so insecure with my sexuality at the time that I let it go. My second boyfriend found it degrading and wouldn’t do it. I think there are two things holding me back: 1) I’ve never even heard of this fantasy, and that makes me feel like a creep. Is there a name for it? 2) I know the first time, I will giggle with joy, and I’m afraid that will be a big buzzkill if my hypothetical future boyfriend thinks I’m laughing at him.
Lingerie Without A Man
1. There isn’t a name for this fantasy, LWAM, so let’s come up with one. How about “Frank-N-Furter-Ing,” for Dr. Frank-N-Furter, a noted research scientist who ...
I am desperately in need of your help. After eight years of marriage, it turns out that the blowjobs I give are “good but not great” and are now getting “boring.” My husband is unable to tell me anything specific that he wants me to do, just that I should do something different and “be creative.” I’ve done pretty much everything I can think of over the years, fingers and hands included, so I have no idea where to go from here! My husband is my first partner, so I have no past experience to draw from, and porn hardly seems the proper inspiration: visually exciting (for a guy) but no visible technique other than some rather extreme deep-throating, which I am incapable of, as I have an annoyingly sensitive gag reflex. Is there anything nonstandard but fun that you (or your fans) could suggest? I’m not exactly vanilla, so I’m willing to try pretty much anything at this point.
Thought I Was Doing It Well
Seeing as I think saying, “You’re doing it wrong, do it better, but don’t ask me how I want it done,” is an asshole move, TIWDIW, I’m tempted ...