DEAR READERS: Folks who have the Savage Love app get the Savage Love Letter of the Day (SLLOTD) delivered to their iPhones or Androids. This week, I’m running three recent SLLOTDs to give my print-only readers a taste of what they’re missing. I’m also giving myself a bit of a break: I’m currently dashing around the country on a book tour for It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying, And Creating A Life Worth Living. (Order yourself a copy—or donate one to your old middle or high school—at www.itgetsbetter.org.) But before we get to the letters…

I want to take this opportunity to thank Savage Love readers for launching the It Gets Better Project.

My husband and I created the project in response to the suicides of several LGBT youth. The idea was to give bullied and despairing LGBT youth hope for their futures by encouraging LGBT adults to reach out to them via YouTube. (For the record: Not all LGBT youth are bullied or despairing.) The It Gets Better Project was first announced in this space. Savage Love readers jumped in to help spread the word about the project on YouTube ...

Three months ago, my sociopathic girlfriend dumped me because I was going into the military. Afterward, I found out she was cheating on me with a married man. The one great thing about her was that she opened me up. At 22, I’d been in only a few other relationships. The sex with her was amazing, and she opened me up to different things (kinks, dirty talk, foreplay). I now have two problems: 1) I am going into the army and don’t want to get into a serious relationship, and 2) I’m having a hard time finding people willing to have casual-yet-kinky sex. I tried online, but the minute someone sees the “going into the army” portion of my profile, they assume I’m some sort of conservative prick. But I am liberal and open-minded and just looking to have some NSA sex before I leave for the army. Help!
Kinky Open-Minded Soldier

If the “going into the army” portion of your profile is preventing you from finding kinky NSA sex partners, KOMS, omit the “going into the army” portion of your profile. Your NSA sex partners may, after meeting you, inquire about your future plans. But ...

I am a 36-year-old straight man, blissfully married to my 34-year-old soul mate. We have explored and enjoyed each other for a decade now, and we recently started exploring BDSM and D/s fantasies. Everything was going great sexually—until last night. Two years ago, my wife expressed an interest in an MMF three-way, where I was the Dom guiding the action between all three of us. I planned this event, play by play, reviewing in my mind everything that was to take place. There were many conversations about expectations, stipulations, etc. All bases covered, I went into the event mentally prepared and gleefully excited. Magic happened for about two hours—passion, love, and dirty, dirty sex. Almost every kinky kind was being had and enjoyed save vaginal intercourse.

Then my wife was vaginally penetrated by our friend.

It was as if all the air in the room was sucked out through my soul. I instantly lost my bone, gone forever (I thought), and I felt angry and nauseated. I had to stop the scene. My friend and my wife instantly tended to me during my breakdown. The sorrow of disappointing my wife hurts the most, even though she calls ...

Long story short: I cheated on my boyfriend three years ago. I admitted it nine months ago, and we’ve been in couples’ counseling for six months. My BF is very responsive in therapy, where we’re working on his control issues, and he says everything the therapist expects him to during a session. Twenty-four hours later, though, he’ll say, “I was listening to Dan Savage’s podcast…” then take back everything he said to our therapist. He then ignores our therapist’s advice because of some advice you gave to a differently situated couple!

Could you please tell your readers and listeners who are in counseling to ignore you and listen to their therapists?
Your No-Good Counsel

I won’t go that far, YNGC—I will not be ignored—but I will go this far: It sounds like your boyfriend is still angry about the affair and isn’t being fully honest during those therapy sessions. He’s saying what he thinks the therapist wants to hear instead of owning his anger—pardon my psychobabble—and justifies his post-session backsliding/truth-telling by pointing to some fool thing I might have said on the podcast.

You can tell him ...

I’m a 41-year-old, very attractive, happily married woman. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. When we first met, the sex was absolutely incredible. After we got married, the sex was good, not great. This was because we were busy raising our children. (My husband had custody of 4-year-old twins, children from his first marriage, when we married.) The reason I know our sex life suffered while we were busy raising the kids is that after the girls went off to college, things went right back to absolutely incredible.

One night, we were talking about our sexual fantasies, and I confessed that since my mid-30s, I’ve fantasized about being with a younger man. He told me that he’d be fine with me living out that fantasy if I would have a MFF threesome with him. I agreed, and we had the MFF threesome with a friend of mine.

Here’s my question: How do I go about finding a gorgeous, college-age man? I thought about posting an ad on Craigslist, but you’ve said that most of the people on Craigslist are flakes and picture collectors. Do you have better suggestions for finding a ...

I am 50 and a lesbian. I have had a pretty active sex life for the last 30 years, including a couple of long-term relationships. For the last three years, I’ve been with a woman I love very much. We have amazing sexual chemistry—by far the best I have experienced.

For the last two years, I have noticed that my clitoris is getting bigger. Not trans-man-takes-testosterone big, but substantially bigger than it has ever been. I thought it was due to a big increase in sexual excitement, but it soon became clear that the enlargement was a permanent thing. It gets much more erect than it used to and often throbs or twitches after I come.

No one’s complaining. I am enjoying the heightened sexual arousal, and my girlfriend (who is very GGG) is thrilled. But why/how is this happening? Could it get even bigger? And why now? I hit menopause seven years ago, so it’s not some weird hormone surge. Could our sexual connection have caused this all by itself? I don’t really want to ask my gynecologist, though I did notice her checking out my equipment with wide eyes at my last ...

I am a straight man. From high school through college and after, I loved me some women. Then I met my present girl 10 years ago. I fell head over heels for her. I still love her. But little by little, she has become boring to me. Our sex life has cooled. Days run together with mundane activities like watching TV, going to the store, and hanging out with our kids.

We own a house, we’re financially stable, we look very traditional. But I am far from conservative. I love nightlife, crazy friends, and good drink. She was aware of this when we met because we ran in the same circles. My boredom is compounded by a craving for sex with other women. It doesn’t matter who—the girl at the coffee shop, the checker at Whole Foods, every chick at the gym—I’m up to my eyeballs in covet.

I want out. I want to be a father to my kids and take care of my wife financially. But I want out. I am a few years from 40. What is the best course of action?
Too Young To Flail

One day, I’m gonna throw ...

I’ve written before, but I didn’t hear back from you—probably because my e-mail didn’t contain flogging or santorum or whatever. But I won’t be IGNORED, Dan.

I’m a 32-year-old female. Second marriage, two kids: one kid with my ex, and one with the man I cheated on my ex with (my current husband). My problem: A year ago, I found my “first love” on a social network. I’d been looking for him off and on for more than 16 years. This person was a jerk who left me for one of my friends back in high school. But he was and still is the love of my life. Always has been. Always will be. He is not married, has never been married, and has no children. We began an affair about seven months after finding each other. My marriage, my second marriage, had been rocky before this. My second husband, of three years, stopped having sex with me after I became pregnant, and this continued after our child was born. We tried counseling. It didn’t help. In no way am I using this as an excuse. I know what I’ve done ...

I read your column every week, mostly out of abstract interest. My thoughts reading your advice are usually some variation on “Wow, that’s a lot of work to do, just to have a sex life.” So reading you, I came to the conclusion that I was asexual. I liked this conclusion, as it was a sexual identity that made sense for me.

Then I joined an asexual community. I soon realized that I was unlike those people, too. It turns out that they have no sexual attractions either way, whereas I comfortably identify as a straight male. I look when a pretty girl walks past (much to the chagrin of an asexual I dated for a short time), I like to kiss, and I enjoy some genital contact—but I’m in the mood for penetration very rarely. Asexuals seemed to be turned off by physical intimacy.

I soon realized that asexual was the wrong label for me. In reality, what I am is minimally sexual.

Here’s the question: How do normally sexual persons feel about being with someone who can perform but doesn’t particularly want to? I know that being in a relationship means making compromises ...

I’m from the other side of the country, but I’m sitting in my lover’s San Francisco apartment wondering what I’m doing. I flew out here to spend five glorious days with her. We connect sexually (she’s a Dom stone-butch top, I’m a queer femme sub), we connect intellectually, and we make each other laugh. I’m head over heels for her and for this city.

But she’s literally twice my age. In no way does this bother me. She’s handsome and wonderful, and I’m so proud to be with her. But she frets that she’s too old for me and will die before me and it isn’t fair to have the feelings we do.

I can hang on to this ledge, Dan, and not let myself utterly fall for this woman so that she doesn’t break my heart when she says we must part as friends. I think that is what is coming. But I know she feels conflicted, and I can’t see anything wrong with the two of us enjoying what time we have together. The future is unfixed for everyone; you never know what will ...

I am a 23-year-old straight female. A year ago, I moved across the country after college to live with my boyfriend of four years. He is in graduate school and is the only person I really know here—I am working two part-time jobs, and my coworkers are either much older than me or a very long commute away—so I have been hanging out with him and his friends in my free time. I’ve developed a huge crush on one of his good friends, and I don’t know what to do about it.

I feel really guilty about it, even though I haven’t acted on it and doubt anything would happen, since I see this friend only when we hang out together in groups. I’m not sure if I should tell either my boyfriend or the friend about this attraction, because it would possibly (certainly?) make my social interactions totally uncomfortable, and I am basically friendless outside of my boyfriend’s social circle. It’s hard to get over a crush you see all the time and haven’t been directly rejected by. Any advice you could give me about how to approach this?
Uncomfortably ...

Any time I have relationship questions, I always ask my inner Dan Savage, and he never leads me astray!

My boyfriend and I have had a wonderful relationship for six years. We have had “girlfriends” in the past who were involved with both of us simultaneously. But he recently met a girl and they instantly clicked. They have been on a few dates since—nothing physical yet—and she seems completely infatuated with him. She is aware that he lives with me/we are together, but I’ve yet to meet her. I am fine with them dating, but I have a few questions:

1. My guy and I share everything. He’s shown me her texts and told me about her life. We both feel slightly uncomfortable with me knowing such personal things about her without meeting her, but we don’t want to limit the intensely open communication we have earned with each other. How much am I entitled to know about her/them, and how can he tell me about her without being disrespectful?

2. Can I meet her? Under what circumstances?

3. Can this end well for her? Every girl we’ve dated has ended up ...

I’m a 27-year-old divorced woman. I married the first man I ever had sex with, and we had a very vanilla sex life. He refused to try any play with dominant/submissive roles. My fantasies have always involved my submission, and my favorite porn features women being submissive.

My current boyfriend is very open and experienced. With him, I’ve tried being held down during sex, light bondage, dirty talk, gentle choking, etc. The sex is AMAZING. Here’s my problem: A few nights ago while we were watching TV and cuddling, he started to stroke my body. I asked if I could touch myself and if he would keep watching TV while I did it. I had the most intense orgasm of my life while he ignored me.

We talked about how this was very submissive behavior, and I said that I’d like to explore it more if he’s open to it. (He is.) My concern is that this submission might spill over into the relationship. I am NOT submissive in the relationship; we’re very much equals. I know that he sees it as a sexual kink and is very GGG, but I’m concerned ...

I really need some help and comfort. I am a straight 25-year-old woman, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for four years. I have never been the romantic type, until I met him. At the beginning, we were purely sexual. We love role-playing, and we always came up with erotic fantasies of me being fucked and used by multiple men, or some fantasy where others were involved. It was hot to me until I fell in love with him. Now the only thing that turns me on is him.

Even though he says he loves me, I cannot say he gets turned on by thinking of only me. We still continue these fantasies, but lately I’m seeing that every single time we are intimate, he always talks about things he wants other men (and women) to do to me, or what he wants to do with others while I’m around. He never talks about a hot fantasy that involves only him and me. I drew the line when he started bringing my best friend into our role-playing. When I told him I would prefer if he not bring her into it, he ignored me and talked about ...

I’m writing to you under the influence of a little alcohol (as I’m not sure I’d have the courage to write to you about this sober). I’ve got an awkward (understatement) situation.

My mother left her e-mail logged in on my computer, and I decided to be an asshole and snoop out of boredom. I honestly wasn’t expecting anything, but I found a few intimate e-mails between her and a strange man that pretty much confirmed that she was cheating on my dad.

My parents have been married for almost three decades, and it’s kind of an understatement to say he’s an antisocial psycho. He restricted her from so many things during their marriage—partly for religious/cultural reasons—and honestly did not appreciate what he had. He’s been a physical wreck for most of their marriage and has no personality to compensate. (I could go on about how abusive and fucked-up his personality was during my childhood, but that’s a whole other issue.) My mother, on the other hand, is one of the nicest and most caring people you could ever meet. She’s also “hot”—a lot of my ...