http://www.avclub.com/feed/Commentary%20Tracks%20Of%20The%20DamnedThe A.V. ClubTue, 13 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/first-knight,33998/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: Presenting the fall of Camelot with only slightly more visual flair than an average episode of <i>Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman</i> Featuring Richard Gere at his least period-appropriate Spending 134 minutes on one of the most famous love triangles in history without generating any suspense, tension, or romance Defenders: Director Jerry Zucker and producer Hunt Lowry Tone of commentary: Aggressively self-deprecating. Jerry Zucker sets the mood right out of the gate: “But if I were you, I’d go and catch something on HBO ’til this blows over.” Soon after, he adds, “We have to apologize to people who take ... Tue, 13 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/first-knight,33998/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/street-fighter-the-legend-of-chunli,33480/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: Creating an origin story for a videogame character by generating yet another generic “Hero’s Journey: Eastern Version” arc, complete with long training sequences and dialogue like, “You have to put away your anger… it will not guide you.” Reducing the heroes and villains to a collection of stereotypical signifiers, such as having wealthy bad guy Neal McDonough eat caviar on toast points, while lone wolf Interpol agent Chris Klein sports slicked-back long hair and perma-stubble Six words: “Based on Capcom’s <i>Street Fighter</i> games” Defender: Producers Patrick Aiello and Ashok Amritaj, with actors Neal McDonough and Chris Klein ... Tue, 29 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/street-fighter-the-legend-of-chunli,33480/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/the-informers,32864/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes Hacking a sprawling, 150-page, <i>Short Cuts</i>-esque survey of ’80s Los Angeles—based on a novel by Bret Easton Ellis, who co-scripted with Nicholas Jarecki—into a 98-minute movie that feels simultaneously undernourished and three hours long Squandering a first-rate ensemble of veteran actors (Mickey Rourke, Billy Bob Thornton, Kim Basinger, Chris Isaak) by focusing mostly on the vacant young things (Jon Foster, Austin Nichols, Lou Taylor Pucci) who tend to overpopulate Ellis’ novels, too Testing the will of even the most ardent Ellis apologists, including Ellis, whose ambivalence clouded the film’s virtually nonexistent publicity tour Defenders: Director ... Tue, 15 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/the-informers,32864/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/surfer-dude,32125/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: Being named <i>Surfer, Dude </i> Finalizing Matthew McConaughey’s sad descent from gifted young character actor/next Paul Newman to walking punchline  Indulging in stoner minstrelsy in which every pot-smoker is a monosyllabic, party-hearty slacker who communicates solely in surfer slang  Boasting a screenplay and plot so dire and witless, not even 85 minutes of Elliot Davis’ gorgeous cinematography and McConaughey shirtlessness can redeem it Defender: Star, producer, and enemy of the shirt industry Matthew McConaughey Tone of commentary: Casual, giggly, and strangely obsessed with sound editing. McConaughey has a charming/obnoxious habit of referring to everyone as “dude,” primarily ... Tue, 25 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/surfer-dude,32125/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/end-of-days,31196/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: Exploiting millennial fears without generating any tension or suspense Casting Arnold Schwarzenegger, action superstar, as a tortured, suicidal widower who learns that shooting things is not always the answer Regurgitating tropes that’ve been used in countless religion-inspired horror movies (stigmata, prophecy, Satan wanting to shtup a pixie-faced innocent), with the only difference being that this time, they’re harder to see Defender: Director and cinematographer Peter Hyams Tone of commentary: Humble, technically detailed. Hyams splits his time between enthusiastically praising his cast and explaining why he shot his Satanic thriller by candlelight and suggestion: “All the light used ... Mon, 03 Aug 2009 12:27:00 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/end-of-days,31196/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/blade-trinity,30328/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: Wasting the goodwill earned by the previous two <i>Blade</i> films on a muddled, poorly shot, tediously scripted mess Taking nearly two hours to never get to a point Using Dracula, the biggest vampire cliché in a genre full of really big clichés, as the main villain, and giving him lines like “Blade, ready to die?” Replacing <i>You’ve Got Mail</i> as the low point in Parker Posey’s cinematic career Defenders: Writer-director David S. Goyer, actors Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel Tone of commentary: Enthusiastically obtuse. Goyer repeatedly talks about how filming <i>Blade: Trinity </i>was “the most fun ... Tue, 14 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/blade-trinity,30328/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/friday-the-13th-part-v-a-new-beginning,29512/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: • Having a kill count so high that it borders on existential; characters arrive, say a line, and die, without having any impact on anything • Coughing up all the accoutrements of Jason Voorhees—the mask, the machete, the serious antipathy toward sex and teenagers—without providing the real thing • <i>Juwanna Mann </i>star Miguel Núñez… on a toilet, no less Defenders: Director Danny Steinmann, actors John Shepherd and Shavar Ross, and fan Michael Felsher Tone of commentary: Genial and chatty. Nobody is under the impression that <i>Part V</i> is a great movie, although there is some defensiveness over the fact ... Tue, 23 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/friday-the-13th-part-v-a-new-beginning,29512/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/the-cat-in-the-hat,28691/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes:  • Turning a children’s classic into a crass forum for the mildly ribald improvisational stylings of Mike Myers  • Adding all the boner, bat-in-the-crotch, and gonorrhea jokes that the original book apparently lacked, and pointlessly sexing it up with leering shots of Kelly Preston’s cleavage and a Paris Hilton cameo  • Draining Dr. Seuss’ story of all that icky wonder, magic, and lyricism Defenders: Co-star Alec Baldwin, director Bo Welch  Tone of commentary: Chummy, self-deprecating, and technical. Baldwin and Welch establish a “buddies shooting the shit while knocking back scotch” vibe early on with the following exchange:  Baldwin: Let me ... Tue, 02 Jun 2009 12:00:00 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/the-cat-in-the-hat,28691/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/the-spirit-2008,27281/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: • Turning Will Eisner’s iconic series about a heroic Boy Scout type into an overwrought, sexed-up noir version of Frank Miller’s <i>Dark Knight</i> books  • Echoing the all-green-screen, high-contrast, slo-mo-then-sped-up look of <i>300</i> and <i>Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow</i>, for an aesthetic that looks cheap and shallow • Having no sense of pacing or momentum • Giving the actors terrible, cheesy lines, then letting them get away with horrifically flat or cartoonishly emphatic line-readings Defenders: Writer-director Frank Miller, producer Deborah Del Prete Tone of commentary: Playful, teasing, collegial, and weirdly at odds with the film’s overwrought, fakey grittiness ... Tue, 28 Apr 2009 12:46:00 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/the-spirit-2008,27281/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-fireproof,23845/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: • Inflating the least-troubled troubled marriage in cinema history into a Christian-themed <i>Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?</i> that only Ned and Maude Flanders could love • Failing to block several bad marital metaphors, most of them fire-related, and one that involves gluing a salt shaker to a pepper shaker • Casting Kirk Cameron as a guy whose idea of spousal tenderness, after 40-plus days of rehabilitating his marriage through Christ, is to bring his sick wife a damp cloth and a bag of Chick-Fil-A Defenders: Director/co-producer/co-writer Alex Kendrick and his brother Stephen, who also co-produced and co-scripted. Tone of ... Mon, 16 Feb 2009 13:00:00 -0600http://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-fireproof,23845/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/an-american-carol,22166/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: • Tackling the fatuousness—and the fat—of Michael Moore via the fictional "Michael Malone," a documentary filmmaker whose attempts to ban Independence Day are thwarted after three patriotic ghosts visit him • Vacillating over whether Malone is merely a trumped-up celebrity created by the liberal media, or a dangerous demagogue with legions of blinkered followers • Advancing a broad, insulting analogy between people who question the Bush administration's tactics in the war on terror, and people who would've appeased the Nazis, or prevented Lincoln from freeing the slaves • Mocking liberal professors and venal Hollywood types with the subtlety and ... Thu, 08 Jan 2009 23:01:00 -0600http://www.avclub.com/articles/an-american-carol,22166/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-postal,2455/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: — Giving Uwe Boll cultists their very own <i>Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back </i> — Assuming audiences care enough about Uwe Boll and his war with critics, studios, distributors, stars, and the world at large to tolerate an endless deluge of in-jokes — Wasting a strangely inspired performance by Dave Foley and his naked penis — Sullying the good name and spotless reputation of national treasure Verne Troyer Defender: Writer-director-producer-actor Uwe Boll Tone of commentary: Angry, confrontational, political, arrogant, deluded, self-righteous, and all over the place. In a rambling, digressive commentary characterized by a level of paranoia not often seen outside psychiatric institutions ... Thu, 11 Sep 2008 14:04:01 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-postal,2455/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-georgia-rule,2359/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes — Attempting to spin a story about incest and alcoholism into the feel-good movie of the summer — Featuring more Dramamine-requiring tonal shifts than the average Tyler Perry movie, with a ready-for-drag Jane Fonda as a bat-wielding, teetotaling Madea-type — Being so poorly conceived and executed that a boozed-up, out-of-control Lindsay Lohan somehow winds up being the best thing the movie has going for it. (She's still bad, though.) Defender: Director Garry Marshall (<i>Pretty Woman</i>, <i>The Other Sister</i>) Tone of commentary: Affably listless, with long stretches of silence and lots of mundane examples of "movie magic" at work. Marshall has long ... Wed, 25 Jun 2008 23:02:45 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-georgia-rule,2359/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-the-hottie-the-not,2340/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: — Casting the half-lidded, frozen-faced Paris Hilton as an idyllic beauty who refuses to date any man until her hairy, dentally challenged friend Christine Lakin finds love — Reducing "ugliness" to the kind of easily fixed cosmetic problems—a mole here, an ingrown toenail there—that someone as beauty-conscious as Hilton's character should've helped Lakin take care of years ago — Offering as a male romantic lead a dopey slacker (played by Joel David Moore) who's really as much of a "nottie" as anyone else in the film — Continually using the word "nottie" as though it's an actual ... Wed, 11 Jun 2008 23:01:21 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-the-hottie-the-not,2340/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-mad-money,2308/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: — Making the daily robbery of loose cash from one of the country's most secure institutions—the Federal Reserve bank—look as simple your average smash-and-grab job — Furthering Callie Khouri's descent from the feminist edge of her script for <i>Thelma & Louise</i> to directing ensemble fluff like this and <i>Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood</i> — Allowing Katie Holmes to go Tom-Cruise-on-a-couch crazy with her bug-eyed conception of a curly-haired, free-spirited trailer-trash rocker Defender: Director Callie Khouri Tone of commentary: Gracious, a little bored, often defensive. At various times, she seems to anticipate the criticism that will be leveled at ... Thu, 22 May 2008 13:04:47 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-mad-money,2308/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-awake,2283/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes — Taking a premise that might fit a <i>Twilight Zone</i> or <i>Alfred Hitchcock Presents</i> episode—a young billionaire in a state of "anesthetic awareness" (i.e. conscious yet paralyzed) during heart transplant surgery—and expanding it to where the audience is always a step or two ahead of each twist. — Seeming needlessly overlong at 78 minutes, which is much shorter than non-animated features are generally allowed to get. — Having Hayden Christensen narrate his metaphysical crisis with all the weak, whiny petulance he brought to <i>Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones</i>. Defender: Writer-director Joby Harold Tone Of Commentary: Intelligent ... Thu, 01 May 2008 11:32:10 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-awake,2283/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-romance-cigarettes,2249/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: — Tittering endlessly over silly, comically exaggerated sex acts and crude language, without really coming to terms with its intended themes about how sexuality, infidelity, loyalty, and love intersect — Tossing in a bunch of pop hits, which the characters lip-sync to or karaoke awkwardly over, sometimes doing both in one big, sloppy number — Generally being an incoherent, self-indulgent, crazed mess that was probably a lot more fun for the cast than for viewers Defenders: Writer-director John Turturro and his 14-year-old son, Amadeo Turturro. Tone of commentary: Weird, but cheerful and companionable. Amadeo appears in one shot and was clearly a ... Thu, 10 Apr 2008 13:00:43 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-romance-cigarettes,2249/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-the-animal,2205/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: — Using the premise of a man filled with animal organs as a hook for a string of unimaginative jokes about uncontrollable sex drives and "marking territory" — Straining so hard to keep those jokes PG-13 that some scenes don't make any literal sense — Casting flash-in-the-pan <i>Survivor</i> loser Colleen Haskell as a nondescript love interest, based—with no small degree of sneer—on environmentalist Julia "Butterfly" Hill — Foisting the hairy, gawky Rob Schneider on the audience in a role that requires him either to mug or mope for a full 85 minutes Defenders: Director Luke Greenfield, producer John Schneider, and ... Tue, 11 Mar 2008 23:03:40 -0500http://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-the-animal,2205/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-trust-the-man,2174/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: — Presenting a cringe-inducing story in which one dorky, selfish man-boy learns how to properly love his frigid, castrating wife, while another learns how to properly commit to his volatile, demanding, fragile girlfriend — Piling on the gushy sentiment, especially in the ridiculously over-the-top double-reunion ending — Mixing all the above with poop jokes, fart noises, masturbation gags, and other repellent material Defender: Writer-director Bart Freundlich, star David Duchovny Tone of commentary: Enthusiastic, informative, and simpatico, but easily distracted. The two men fall over themselves simultaneously praising every aspect of the production, and trying to describe it, by explaining the lighting, the ... Tue, 19 Feb 2008 23:00:12 -0600http://www.avclub.com/articles/commentary-tracks-of-the-damned-trust-the-man,2174/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damnedhttp://www.avclub.com/articles/good-luck-chuck,22373/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned Crimes: • Perpetuating the no-talent careers of stand-up phenom (and MySpace buddy) Dane Cook and vapid pin-up Jessica Alba • Offering two ridiculous gimmicky high-concept ideas—a stud-muffin who serves as a human stepping stone for marriage, and a hot penguin wrangler who's a magnet for slapstick-y accidents—for the price of one • Including a sequence involving a donut-hole-stuffing, acne-riddled obese woman who's somehow more appalling than Rasputia in <i>Norbit</i> Defenders: Actor Dane Cook, director Mark Helfrich, producer Mike Karz, and writer Josh Stolberg Tone of commentary: Chummy, self-congratulatory. Between quips, Cook talks about the project as if his Oscar ... Mon, 21 Jan 2008 23:06:03 -0600http://www.avclub.com/articles/good-luck-chuck,22373/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=type_commentary-tracks-of-the-damned