The A.V. Club - Films That Time Forgot

DVD: Films That Time Forgot:Land Of The Minotaur (1976)

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 12:00:00 -0500

Director: Kostas Karagiannis Also known as: The Devil’s Men Tagline: “Half man… half beast… trapped in a world forgotten by time!” Plot: Peter Cushing leads a clan of colorfully robed, brainwashed Greeks, who lure tourists into their underground lair to be tormented by… the Minotaur! (Fine print: Actually, the Minotaur is just a fire-breathing statue. The real tormenting is done by knife-wielding cult members.) Given the ineffectiveness of the local constabulary, this human-sacrifice operation could’ve gone on for years, but the cult makes the mistake of kidnapping some groovy kids who’ve told their hip priest, Donald Pleasence ...

DVD: Films That Time Forgot:Trog (1970)

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Director: Freddie Francis Tagline: “From the boiling rages of a world hurled back one million years comes… Trog” Plot: Somewhere in a sleepy corner of England, there’s a cave, a wondrous place untouched by humanity. Or so it appears to a group of three explorers who, in Trog’s near-endless opening sequence, walk to the cave, enter the cave, descend into the cave, then amble around and talk about the majesty of the cave. Then two of them strip down to their underwear to explore an underground stream leading to one of the cave’s deep recesses. And there ...

DVD: Films That Time Forgot:Day Of The Animals

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 15:37:00 -0500

Day Of The Animals (1977) Director: William Girdler Tagline: “For centuries they were hunted for bounty, fun, and food… now it’s their turn.” Plot: An opening crawl sets up the premise; like Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth, Day Of The Animals deals with the negative effects of global warming on the planet. But while Gore focused on charts, graphs, and melting polar ice caps, director William Girdler sets his sights on a far more serious threat: batshit-crazy wildlife. While nature guide Christopher George gets his latest group of hikers prepped for a trip into the mountains, a hawk ...

Film: Films That Time Forgot:Viva Knievel! (1977)

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 19:00:00 -0500

Director: Gordon Douglas Tagline: “The one and only real live Evel Knievel in his first dramatic movie role.” Plot: It’s the late ’70s, and the daredevil is king. Evel Knievel, the most daring devil of them all, rules the roost. Between jumping over things for money and smugly basking in the adoration of thousands, Knievel likes to spend his spare time thwarting drug dealers, wooing feminist reporters, and reuniting reluctant fathers with their cast-off sons. He even manages to put in a trip to the local orphanage, where he charms the head nun and inspires a crippled child to ...

Film: Films That Time Forgot:The Warrior (1981)

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 00:00:00 -0500

The Warrior (1981) Director: Sisworo Gautama Putra Also Known As: Jaka Sembung Tagline: “No power on earth—or in hell—could stop him.” Plot: In 19th-century Java, the Dutch rule with an iron fist, led by a mustachioed commandant who looks like he should be playing hammered dulcimer in a ’70s bluegrass revival band. From the masses arises a rebel, Parmen (played by Indonesian super-hunk Barry Prima), known by all as “The Warrior,” and locked up by the Dutch for being “too dangerous.” But no mere jail can hold The Warrior—not even one of those movie jails where prisoners ...

Film: Films That Time Forgot:Snowbeast

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Snowbeast (1977) Director: Herb Wallerstein Tagline: “The legendary creature is half man… half animal… and a cold-blooded killer!” Plot: The Rill Lodge is getting ready for the opening of its 50th Winter Carnival, and excitement is running high. Carrie Rill (Sylvia Sydney), the lodge owner, can’t stop reminiscing with the locals about her time as Winter Carnival Queen, a position currently held by Betty Jo Blodgett (Jacquie Botts). Sidney’s grandson Tony Rill (Robert Logan), has his hands full running things and delivering his lines in a hypnotic, cottony monotone. That’s before two skiers come across some unusual ...

Film: Films That Time Forgot:The Booby Hatch

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 00:00:00 -0500

The Booby Hatch (1976) Director: Rudy Ricci and John Russo Also known as: The Liberation Of Cherry Jankowski Tagline: “The ultimate in sexual fulfillment!” Plot: Cherry Jankowski (played by Sharon Joy Miller) isn’t getting all she hoped for out of the sexual revolution. She’s dating a Bible-thumping closet transvestite who shows no interest in her filmy négligées. Her next-door neighbor keeps asking for her help hanging curtains and straightening rugs, then molesting her when she’s in compromising positions. Her psychiatrist is awfully hands-y, and more concerned with getting himself off than with listening to Cherry ...

Film: Films That Time Forgot:Films That Time Forgot: Billy The Kid Versus Dracula

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 12:15:00 -0600

Billy The Kid Versus Dracula (1966) Director: William Beaudine Tagline: The West’s deadliest gunfighter! The world's most diabolical killer! Plot: Somewhere in the Old West, a nameless vampire played by John Carradine (only the title identifies him as Dracula) stalks around dressed like a stage magician and acting like the common ancestor of Vincent Price and Christopher Lee. But since only ignorant, superstitious foreign-types believe in vampires, he arouses no suspicion whatsoever—even when rich, widowed ranch-owner Marjorie Bennett shows him a picture of her pretty daughter Melinda Plowman, and his eyes bug out in creepy, inhuman appreciation ...

Film: Films That Time Forgot:Films That Time Forgot: Boardinghouse (1982)

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 12:25:02 -0500

Plot: In a shotgun marriage of Halloween, Carrie and The Amityville Horror, the 1982 horror cash-in Boardinghouse records the strange goings-on at arguably the most cursed ranch house in Los Angeles County. As the opening crawl explains, not so long ago a pair of married Nobel Prize winners—"leading authorities on telekinesis"—were found dead on night of their 16th anniversary party. Their daughter was at the scene, and apparently so traumatized that she had to be committed. Some years later, right around the time that the daughter is due to be released from the nut-hatch, the old house becomes ...

Film: Films That Time Forgot:Films That Time Forgot: The Kinky Coaches And The Pom Pom Pussycats (1981)

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 12:49:22 -0500

Director: Mark Warren Also Known As: Crunch; Heartbreak High Tagline: "Winning isn't everything a guy needs to score!" Plot: It's the time of year when the City High Moose and the Johnson High Eagles renew their annual rivalry on the football field, and play for the trophy named for local legend Chester W. Hick. (That's right: The Hick Cup.) But first, the Johnson boys, led by coach Robert Forster (a Kyle Chandler type), engage in an escalating prank war with the City boys, led by coach John Vernon (a Dean Wormer type). City sends their A.V ...

Film: Films That Time Forgot:Films That Time Forgot: Caged Fury

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 11:32:48 -0500

Caged Fury (1989) Director: Bill Milling Tagline: they learned their lesson the hard way! Plot: If you ever have to explain the concept of in medias res to someone, consider showing the first five minutes of Caged Fury, which begins with a lingerie-clad prisoner Shawshanking her way out of a cell via a hole hidden behind a poster of some superhunks. The action then shifts to an oily, mulleted guard named Spyder (played by veteran character actor Gregory Scott Cummins, fresh from a short stint as a punter for the San Diego Chargers) confronting a slacking co-worker and, out ...

Film: Films That Time Forgot:Films That Time Forgot: Karzan, Jungle Lord

Thu, 15 May 2008 11:18:00 -0500

Karzan, Jungle Lord (1972) Director: Demofilo Fidani Also known as: Jungle Master Plot: In the grand tradition of How Things Get Done In The Civilized World, one rich adventurer invites another rich adventurer into his lounge for drinks, cigars, and a short film about a mysterious ape-man. ("A new kind of animal!") The two plot out an expedition via a series of painfully exact speeches, along the lines of, "I have to admit that you may be right, but even more interesting than your theory is the discovery itself. I feel that this creature is fascinating whatever his origin, so ...

DVD: Films That Time Forgot:Films That Time Forgot: Monstroid

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 12:16:40 -0500

Monstroid (1979) Director: Kenneth Hartford Also known as: Monster Tagline: "Part animal Part shark All devil!" Plot: "The story you are about to see is based on fact," Monstroid dutifully informs viewers before the action begins. "The incident occurred in June 1971 in Colombia." And what is Colombia like? Based on Monstroid's opening scene, it's a paradise wherein fully clothed dancing women entertain their sleepy husbands with semi-seductive dances. It's a great place to live assuming you don't get eaten by shadowy lake creatures while being entertained by your fully clothed wife's semi-seductive dancing. Unfortunately ...

Film: Films That Time Forgot:Films That Time Forgot: The Acid Eaters (1968)

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 10:22:45 -0500

The Acid Eaters (1968) Director: Byron Mabe Also Known As: The Acid People Tagline: A film of anti-social significance! An adult happening in psychedelic color! The first Hollywood underground movie! Plot: Remember the Drew Carey Show title sequence set to The Vogues' "5 O'Clock World," in which Carey and his associates danced their way through a typical work day? Imagine that bit extended to 10 times its length, and the catchy music replaced by close-ups of flushing toilets and people chewing sandwiches. Then imagine that at the end of the montage, a half-dozen or so of the cubicle drones ...

Film: Films That Time Forgot:Films That Time Forgot: The Clown Murders (1975)

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 13:45:42 -0600

The Clown Murders (1975) Director: Martyn Burke Tagline: "It started as a joke" Plot: Four snobby college chums—including a constantly snacking John Candy—conspire to screw with their annoying fatcat boss by putting on clown costumes and kidnapping his wife, in order to prevent him from closing on a land deal that will turn a family farm into an apartment complex. But after they do the deed, they can't stop bickering with each other over whether this is all a big joke or an actual crime. And then, out of nowhere, a mysterious maniac in a clown mask ...

DVD: Films That Time Forgot:Films That Time Forgot Revisited

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:44:25 -0500

Every other week, The A.V. Club offers a look at a film that slipped through history's cracks, perhaps with good cause. Here are some of that feature's most memorable installments, plus some recently unearthed information on the films themselves. Clonus (1979) Director: Robert S. Fiveson Also Known As: Parts: The Clonus Horror, The Clonus Horror Tagline: "The only thing they don't use is the scream." Plot: At a sinister compound in California, a group of clean-cut, well-muscled, dim-witted clones prepare for their eventual trip to a paradise called "America" by jogging, doing push-ups, wrestling, and generally ...