The A.V. Club - Hater

DVD: Hater: This Has Been The Hater

Thu, 06 May 2010 11:00:00 -0500

[Click play before reading on] Dearest AV Club Readers: This will be the last pop culture love letter for a while, because I am leaving to pursue a new, humbling, and exciting opportunity and The Hater blog and column will be going on hiatus. In case the haunting voice, flowing white silk pirate angel costume, and barely intelligible lyrics of the IAmAngelica.com ad posted above didn't fill you with the appropriate melancholy, please gaze upon this sad relic of pop culture past: Four years ago, I ended my very first Hater column as anyone obsessed with hammerhead sharks ...

DVD: Hater: Further Adventures In Press Releases

Tue, 04 May 2010 09:00:00 -0500

From 20th Century Fox: ONE HARDCORE FUNNY FOUR-WAY On June 8, The Comedies Of Judd Apatow Give Birth To One Irresistible Masterpiece LOS ANGELES, CA. – Spoofing has never been so hysterical! Get down and dirty with a horror-filled trip to get a chest wax, baby mamma drama and one middle-aged man who really needs to get laid when the comedy mash-up The 41-Year-Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall And Felt Superbad About It debuts on DVD June 8 from Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment. The wildest parody ever, it’s laugh-out-loud insanity when “MADtv” cast alumnus Bryan Callen ...

Film: Hater: It's Hard Out There For An Oscar-Winning Fugitive

Mon, 03 May 2010 12:30:00 -0500

In the months since Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland, you've probably spent entire hours, maybe even entire days pitying poor, poor Roman Polanski. Just the thought of him sitting there under house arrest in his beautiful Swiss chalet, cruelly confined like a caged bird that plead guilty to having unlawful sex with a 13-year-old after being arrested on charges of rape and sodomy and then flew to France because it didn't like the way its case was going—why, it's enough to make you cry. At the very least, you've probably contemplated dusting off your ...

TV: Hater: At Burger King, Sprite Is Champagne

Fri, 30 Apr 2010 10:00:00 -0500

Brunch was invented in 1540 by a painfully stout, gout-ridden King Henry VIII. Virtually immobilized by a gangrenous leg wound, the King was unable to hunt or joust or stand for longer than 10 minutes, and so he devised a new royal pastime: constant eating. The legend goes that on one dreary day in March of 1540, King Henry had just finished his breakfast of three dozen goose eggs, 4 loaves of crusty bread, and a stuffed black swan when he observed: "It is not the time for lunch, yet we want another meal. Would that there were an edible ...

Music: Hater: Jessica Simpson Sadness Watch

Thu, 29 Apr 2010 15:00:00 -0500

Sadness is all around us. This is Jessica Simpson's fault. She is a walking lacrimal gland, the font from which of all the world's tears spring, a (semi) conscious cloud of despair—yes, all sadness stems from Jessica Simpson. So what is making Jessica Simpson sad today—thus causing a deep depression that will ripple across the globe, growing ever stronger with each passing day, until Jessica finds something new to be sad about? Jessica Simpson Sadness Watch is here once again to find out! Q: What's making Jessica sad today? A: Dental hygiene and normal life ...

TV: Hater: Finally: There's A Show About Having Teen Angst and A Big Penis

Wed, 28 Apr 2010 15:50:00 -0500

Throughout the course of television history, there have been many shows about many different kinds of teen angst: Dorky teen angst (Freaks & Geeks, The Wonder Years), popular teen angst (Beverly Hills 90210), girl detective teen angst (Veronica Mars), show choir teen angst (Glee), cartoon teen angst (Daria), crimson-glow or alternative teen angst (My So-Called Life), etc. Yet there is one kind of teen with yards and yards of angst who has been sadly overlooked by television—his awkward moments undocumented, his pathetic crushes un-over-analyzed, his voiceovers unheard. I'm talking, of course, about teens with freakishly large penises. Where is ...

Music: Hater: What's The Worst Part About Billy Corgan Vs. Courtney Love?

Tue, 27 Apr 2010 13:00:00 -0500

Every once in a while, a pop-culture "controversy" will bubble to the surface like so many frothy vomit punchlines told by Glenn Beck, and it will fill you with a vague fog of rage. Certainly something about it makes you angry, but you aren't sure what. You need to hone your ire, whittle it down to a sharp prison-yard shank of emotion—and The Hater is here to help you. Together, we can harness your negativity, which, as we all know, is a great source of energy. Let's Choose Your Outrage! Courtney Love and Billy Corgan hate each ...

Music: Hater: New Real Housewives "Song" Proves Money Can't Buy You Class,

Mon, 26 Apr 2010 16:55:00 -0500

If you watch The Real Housewives Of NYC, then you know that Countess Luann Delesseps is probably the least likely of all the walking leather handbags shot with Juvaderm on that show to attempt a singing career. (If you don't watch The Real Housewives Of NYC, then you have no idea who Countess Luann Delesseps is, and therefore you're a very lucky person.) This is because Countess Luann has the voice of a cartoon cigarette in an anti-smoking PSA. When she speaks, it sounds like her voice is trying to escape from a larynx stuffed with ash, cinders ...

DVD: Hater: What To Do When Your Relationship With Your Vampire Boyfriend Goes Stale

Mon, 26 Apr 2010 12:00:00 -0500

Twilight and Twilight: New Moon have already established that vampires make the worst boyfriends. They're controlling and moody and stalk you via weird ghost visions every time they sense you're in "danger"—which translates to every time they sense you're talking to the adorable, perpetually shirtless and glistening CGI Husky who lives next door. But let's say you decide to stick it out with your sparkly vampire boyfriend. Maybe you love his dried glitter glue pallor. Maybe you find what looks like a constant severe case of pink eye really attractive. Maybe you have literally nothing ...

Film: Hater: If Sean Penn Has To Fly Southwest To Make His Character More Believable

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 14:20:00 -0500

There was a funny scene in Damages this season where Arthur Frobisher (Ted Danson) observes a table read of a screenplay based on his life. At one point, after watching the read-through of a deposition scene, Frobisher gives a helpful note to the actor portraying his late attorney, Ray Fiske: "Ray Fiske was gay," he whispers to the actor. "Think about that. Play with it a little." Apparently, this superfluous-character-detail-feeding is a common acting technique. Even Sean Penn uses it. While Penn was researching his latest role, someone at some point must have whispered in his ear, "Joseph Wilson only ...

TV: Hater: Want To See The Worst Game Show Ever?

Thu, 22 Apr 2010 17:45:00 -0500

Now that VH1 has decided shutter Tool Academy and dismantle the Rock Of Love franchise, hundreds of tools are roaming loose, the scent of their self-tanner filling the air, their haunting calls of "Woooooo!" echoing all around. Who will televise these tools? Who will document their courting rituals? Who will give them the dating platform they so desperately need? The Game Show Network, that's who. Behold, Baggage, the worst game show for the worst people ever: Baggage! Get it? Cause everyone carries around metaphorical emotional baggage, and also sometimes people carry around literal baggage filled with giant placards describing ...

DVD: Hater: Stephen Baldwin's Life Story Is Basically The Book Of Job

Thu, 22 Apr 2010 08:40:00 -0500

When we last checked in with Penn Station smoothie place spokesman Stephen Baldwin, he was in the UK playing a rousing round of the Unlikely Martyrdom Scenario Game with his fellow contestants on Celebrity Big Brother—just like Job would have done if Job were real and alive today. You see, Stephen Baldwin is a lot like the biblical figure of Job. They both believe in God. They both were wealthy at some point. And they both were tested by a very bored God: Job had his wife, children, health, and wealth taken away from him. Stephen Baldwin declared bankruptcy ...

TV: Hater: Bow Down Before The New Benjamin

Wed, 21 Apr 2010 13:35:00 -0500

The Federal Reserve has re-designed the $100 bill because, why not? The currency could use a little redecorating, no? We owe it to ourselves. Literally. And America is definitely entering her opulent phase when it comes to her monetary notes, because the new $100 has got a lot going on: A big purple ribbon, a color-shifting liberty bell embedded in an inkwell for some reason, a giant golden feather, lots of little golden 100s everywhere, the ghost of Benjamin Franklin embedded in the fibers, crystalized tears of Native Americans instead of zeros, a special hidden "Property Of The Freemasons" watermark ...

DVD: Hater: You'll Never Guess What 50 Cent's New Movie Is About

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 15:45:00 -0500

When it comes to movie titles, it's best to go as simple as possible. To do otherwise would create unnecessary confusion, so just name an object in the movie and keep the syllable count low (People don't like a lot of syllables jumbling around in their head like pinballs). For example: If the movie is about some babies, call it Babies; If the movie takes place in some oceans, call it Oceans; if the movie is about some hilarious married killers, call it Killers; etc. No articles. No mysteries. Just name a noun, possibly pluralize it, and, boom ...

Film: Hater: Hollywood Wonders, "What Are These 'Women' And How Many Sex & The City Tickets Will They Buy In Advance?"

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 10:50:00 -0500

Ladies! Have you bought your tickets for Sex & The City 2: The Re-Sexening yet? Silly question: Of course you have. The second you heard Kim Cattrall say, in her best drag queen voice, "I can hear the decadence calling!" your ovaries secreted a rush of progesterone that caused your Girls Night Out to sync up with the Girls Night Out of every single woman on Earth. On May 27th, all us gals are going to ovulate glitter and go see Sex & The City 2: The Re-Sexening! It's our biological imperative! Or something. From The Hollywood Reporter: Indeed, Regal is ...

TV: Hater: VH1 To Throw A Bunch Of Celebrities At The TV, See What Sticks

Mon, 19 Apr 2010 14:20:00 -0500

Are you between the ages of 25-34? Are you too young to be considered Generation X but too negative to be considered a Milennial? Are you tired of wondering what's going on underneath Bret Michaels' bandanna? (Trick question. We all know what's going on under there: more bandannas. It's just bandanna after bandanna leading down to his bandanna scalp, followed by his bandanna skull, and then his brain made entirely of bandannas.) If you answered "yes," "yes," and "duh" to the above, the bad news is you're part of this made-up generation called "Gen Mix." But ...

Music: Hater: Ke$ha Not Even Sure What Ke$ha Is

Mon, 19 Apr 2010 10:50:00 -0500

For months now, I've assumed that this thing known as Kedollarsignha is what happens when we allow a feral child to be raised by discarded Fergie singles and a helium tank. Though it pains me to say this, I was wrong. This thing known as Ke$ha i$ not a feral child raised by inanimate objects in a cave lined with tin foil somewhere. In fact, after watching her "disco awkardness in space?" performance of "The Song From The Back-Up Plan Commercials" on SNL this weekend, it's clear that Ke$ha is the exact opposite of a feral ...

Film: Hater: Jennifer Aniston's Long, Arduous Journey To Perfume Enlightenment

Fri, 16 Apr 2010 12:45:00 -0500

You might think that when a celebrity "makes" a signature perfume, all the celebrity does is slap his/her name on a perfume bottle. You probably think this because that's exactly what happens. Occasionally, a celebrity will take some pills, put on a lab coat, and sniff a bunch of fragrance sticks, but only if they're being filmed for their Bravo reality show. For most celebrity perfumers, that's the extent of the process. But not for Jennifer Aniston. For her, it wasn't just about the perfume destination, it was about the scent journey. “It’s been ...

TV: Hater: ABC Just Got Around To Making A Friends Rip-Off

Thu, 15 Apr 2010 14:20:00 -0500

Back in 1996, when Friends was at the peak of its "The One With The Relationship Humor" powers, ABC decided that they wanted their very own version of Friends. But instead of hiring people to write it, ABC fed all of the information about the series into a super-computer the size of a small gymnasium. This took about 30 minutes. Then they pressed a comically large button that read "Generate Sitcom," and waited for their Friends rip-off to materialize. Fourteen years later, the super-computer gave them Romantically Challenged: A bike! He rode a bike. Good one, Sitcom Rip-Off Generator.(Incidentally ...

Books: Hater: Parents Still Hate The Catcher In The Rye, Those Goddamn Transistor Radios

Thu, 15 Apr 2010 11:00:00 -0500

On the list of things that will crawl in through your child's bedroom window and steal his/her innocence, "library books" falls somewhere between "Elvis Presley's hips" and "an exhausting game of lawn tennis." Parents these days are much more concerned with protecting their children from the newfangled dangers like texting, sexting, the Internet, the sexy Internet, and Shia LeBoeuf. Which is why it's almost adorable to find out that there is still a core group of parents out there going to libraries, picking up copies of The Catcher In The Rye, taking them to the librarians ...