The A.V. Club - Hater

TV: Hater:Obama to blame for Lopez Tonight!

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:35:00 -0600

Thus far, President Obama has been blamed for a lot of terrible pop-cultural things, from hipster pot bellies, to a possible Independence Day sequel, to some VH1 show about responsible fathering, to pretty much every exhalation by Wil.i.am. And now Obama is being set up as the fall guy for George Lopez's new late-night talk show, Lopez Tonight. From People: People: Why do a talk show? George Lopez: I was inspired by campaigning with Barack Obama and that message of inclusiveness and diversity. It's time for that change to come to TV. Yep. When America chose ...

Music: Hater:Ghost Of Michael Jackson To Appear On British TV

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:05:00 -0600

Since he's currently got the number one movie in the country, The Ghost Of Michael Jackson is obviously the most in-demand celebrity ghost interview right now. (Well, besides The Ghost Of Madonna Past, but she never grants interviews, and The Ghost Of Marilyn Monroe, who is too busy haunting the factory where Lindsay Lohan's leggings are manufactured to speak publicly.) But who will get the exclusive Ghost Of Michael Jackson sit-down? Diane Sawyer? Oprah? Barbara Walters? The animatronic Larry King puppet that seamlessly replaced Larry King 5 years ago? A Lays potato chip in which his face mysteriously ...

TV: Hater:Economy Got You Down? Rent Your Kids To The Entertainment Industry!

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:15:00 -0600

Do you want to make more money? Sure as Sally Struthers doesn't do those commercials anymore, we all do! And now, if you have children, you can! Simply put your offspring to work in the fields and factories. Children are diligent workers, they're easily intimidated, and many factories need kid employees because their tiny hands are the only ones that can fit in between the big, dangerous cogs of the machines in order to clean them. The children gain valuable menial labor experience and a taste of the drudgery that will come to define their adult lives, while ...

TV: Hater:Show About Cheating, Shockingly, Has No Integrity

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0600

There are a lot of awful things in this world—Keith Morrison, egg salad, L.A. Candy—but as terrible as all these things are, you can always take comfort in the fact that most things could never sink as low as the reality show Cheaters. "That show, truly, is the worst thing in the world," you'd remind yourself each night before sinking into a peaceful slumber. (Nothing facillitates a restful night's sleep like identifiying the world's worst thing right before bed. It gives you a sense of order, you know?) In case you're mercifully unfamiliar ...

DVD: Hater:Choose Your Own NYC Borough Adventure!

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 17:27:00 -0600

The thing that no one ever tells you about New York (until it's too late) is that every borough plays by its own rules. Unfortunately, these rules are all pretty standard movie genres. For example, if you're in Brooklyn, chances are that pretty soon after you set foot in the borough of Kings, things are going to turn into a melodrama about two young people on the cusp of adulthood. Sorry, but that's just Brooklyn. There are some nice brownstones, though. On the other hand, if you go to Manhattan, it's basically guaranteed that you're ...

Books: Hater:Berenstain Bears Movie To Change The Way You Think About Anthropomorphic Bears

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 12:15:00 -0600

Thanks to Where The Wild Things Are, Hollywood now knows that you don't need to have more than 130 words in a source material to make a successful live-action children's-book-to-film adaptation. (However, you may need a lot of therapy-speak, some great costumes, and the ability to wring of James Gandolfini's loud, sonorous breathing for every ounce of dramatic effect possible.) Of course, words and already developed characters might not hurt, which is maybe why Hollywood (the giant, monolithic entity. Heard of it?) has decided to make a movie out of the beloved Berenstain Bears books. Well, that ...

TV: Hater:Have You No Shame, Direct TV?

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 14:09:00 -0600

Well, this is just despicable. First, DirectTV let Craig T. Nelson prop himself up with the corpse of the late Heather O'Rourke to shill for their awful cable service. But no one noticed, because whatever. Maybe there aren't a lot of Heather O'Rourke fans on the Internet? Then, those ghouls at Direct TV used poor, defenseless King Kong to sell their shoddy cable service, which is basically CGI animal abuse. Where is Peta when you need them? And then last week, the bottom-feeding leeches at Direct TV no doubt forced Chris Farley's family to sign off ...

TV: Hater:Evidence That A-Rod Is Really, Really Dull

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 11:04:00 -0600

I know three things about Alex Rodriguez: 1. He plays baseball, which is a sport where the players hit a small hard ball with a long stick. This goes on forever. It is very popular. 2. He is not easily distracted. 3. He apparently dates whatever celebrity velociraptor scampers into the general vicinity of the baseball sporting grounds where he hangs out. But now, thanks to a recent reliable dispatch from the always-credible Us Magazine, I know something else about Alex Rodriguez: He might be the most boring individual to grace our tabloid pages in a long, long while. Let ...

TV: Hater:Stupid Grown-Ups To Ruin Halloween

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:08:00 -0500

I'm sure it's very difficult to talk to your child about Halloween. "Sometimes, when a person and fun really love each other, the person, uh, dresses up...It's a kind of fantasy? Do you know what a fantasy is?" I mean, awkward! But you don't want your child to learn about Halloween on the streets, do you? Or, even worse, from television! No. Halloween is something that kids should learn about in an exceedingly, suffocatingly safe environment. Like their school. From The NY Times: Guns, daggers and other toy weapons have long been excisedfrom costumes ...

Music: Hater:But What Does Mario Lopez Think About That?

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:40:00 -0500

A number of years ago, I was in Miami (don't ever do this) and I happened upon a crush of photographers and reporters loosely swarming on the plebian side of the velvet rope outside some club. It was the weekend of the VMAs, and apparently MTV (or Diddy Vodka, or T-Mobile Sidekick, or Diddy's T-Mobile Sidekick-Infused Vodka) was hosting some party there that night and lots of artists were supposed to attend. Like Jessica Simpson. And maybe even Joe Simpson. I was told this by a tiny, energetic blonde nugget who was waiting outside under an umbrella (it ...

TV: Hater:Real Housewives Halloween Costume Ideas

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 10:20:00 -0500

As I'm sure you're aware, it's nearly Halloween—which means you have precious few hours left to cobble together a costume that will be the sartorial yardstick by which everyone you encounter will harshly judge you. No pressure. The good news is that the walking handbags shot with botox that are The Real Housewives Of New Jersey have just posed with their unfortunate offspring for some pictures in In Touch magazine, giving the world-at-large some fresh nightmares to turn into Halloween costumes. For example, this Saturday you could be: Helpless Baby Swallowed By A Leopard Don't ...

TV: Hater:When You Can't Let Your Vampire Boyfriend Drink Your Blood, Have Some Vitamin Water

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 16:00:00 -0500

Look, we've all been there: One day, you're lying in the sun with your vampire boyfriend, your cheek resting on his freezing, heartless, sparkly chest, and he's all, "Everything is so perfect. I'm so glad I decided to enroll in high school—even though technically I'm 200 years old and have graduated a number of times at this point and you would think I'd have nothing in common with kids who are literally decades younger than me—because that's where I met you, a 16-year-old." And then the next day you get a ...

Games: Hater:Finally! Something Will Tell You When To Blink

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 18:00:00 -0500

Staring: It's the great human pastime. There's nothing like a good long stare at a wall, or computer screen, or darkened window to really get the mind nice and empty. Well, emptier. It's the perfect way to sink into the vast nothingness that is forever lapping at the tiny shore of our miniscule existence. Just open your eyes and...stare. But how many times have you been staring at something for hours and forgotten to blink? Hundreds? Thousands? How many times have you gone to the eye doctor complaining of chronic dry eye only to have the ...

TV: Hater:Microsoft Has Apparently Never Seen Family Guy

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 11:35:00 -0500

When Microsoft announced that they'd be the exclusive sponsors of a live Family Guy variety show, it seemed like such a perfect fit! After all, who doesn't love variety shows? According to the back issues of the Hollywood Reporter from the late 1960s/ early 1970s that the Microsoft executives read at the library on microfiche because they don't trust these newfangled microfiche compendiums hidden inside the computers (ironic, no?), variety shows are hot! Hotter than Lief Garrett even, who is basically the hottest thing in entertainment these days. So faster than anyone could say, "What about Benji ...

TV: Hater:Ain't No Walk-Out Like A Scientology Walk-Out

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:00:00 -0500

How To Get Your Point Across In A Nightline Interview: 1. First things first, don't agree to the Nightline interview. Especially if the interviewer is Martin Bashir. You know what Martin Bashir's beat is? The crazy beat. So if Martin Bashir is assigned to interview you on Nightline, you're automatically going to look crazy just by showing up. Stay home. 2. If you've foolishly disregarded #1, you're left with only two options: either a.) angry smile with your eyes and let your publicist answer for you, a la Tyra in her recent Nightline interview: This ...

TV: Hater:If Jennifer Aniston Wants Her OWN Talk Show, Jennifer Aniston Will Get Her OWN Talk Show

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 11:30:00 -0500

You may remember Jennifer Aniston from her years of service on Friends, or from that one movie where love finally happened to her. Maybe you remember Jennifer Aniston from her well-documented, palpable sadness and loneliness, or from her prominent position on Joe Francis' rock-solid powerpoint defense for tax evasion. Or maybe you remember Jennifer Aniston as the vaguely human face you saw before a searing pain hit directly behind your eyes and everything went beige. But however you remember Jennifer Aniston, your reaction to the news that she might be getting her own talk show on Oprah Winfrey's new ...

Books: Hater:Look deep, deep into Glenn Beck's eyes

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:10:00 -0500

I saw Glenn Beck's comedy-cast when it was streamed live from the Party City where Beck bought his Thomas-Paine pantaloons to movie theaters around the country earlier this year, and, obviously, it was not funny. Ridiculous, yes. Funny, no. I think this is due in large part to the fact that Beck is only funny when he's trying to be serious. Critiquing the "hidden" "socialist" artwork at 30 Rock? Hilarious. Beck's lazy protester material? Groan-inducing. Which is why if Glenn Beck wants to be a comedian, he should aim not for laughs but for tears, because whenever ...

TV: Hater:Who Wants To Pay For Hulu? Anyone?

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 15:44:00 -0500

Hulu, the free online TV and movie library from NBC, Fox, & ABC that sounds like a pineapple BBQ sauce, is a convenient service. If you want to watch JFK: America's Prince at 3am because it's the only thing that can get you to sleep in ten minutes, Hulu is there. If you want to watch any and all of Fox Reality's sub-human programming to give yourself a Saturday afternoon self-esteem boost, Hulu is there. If you want to groan through the exact same Absolut vodka commercial four times in a 24-minute period, Hulu is there. But pretty ...

TV: Hater:Further Adventures In Press Releases

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 10:35:00 -0500

From my inbox (Thanks, Jeff): Think of Farah Fawcett, Jennifer Aniston or Victoria Beckham (aka “Posh Spice”). What do they have in common? Their hairstyles define them and even become as famous as the women themselves. Because each of these women's hair was inseparable from her personality, each achieved style-icon status. Well, move over ladies - there is a new class of style trailblazers that are landing on the top of today’s “Best Dressed” lists. But you won’t find them on the red carpet or on the runways. Instead Hollywood’s latest fashion A-listers are at the playgrounds ...

Film: Hater:Finally! A Movie Where Everybody's Fine

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:29:00 -0500

It used to be that movies had some small element of mystery about them. Sure, you'd know vaguely what would happen from watching the trailer, or the broad strokes of the plot from seeing an ad or reading a review or two, but for the most part you wouldn't know exactly how things would turn out until you actually saw the movie. It was nerve-wracking, wasn't it? All that uncertainty. All that stress. All those fingernails nervously chewed wondering if, for example, love would finally—finally!—happen for Jennifer Aniston in that movie. Basically, going to the ...