Jock Itch NFL Scouting Combine is meat market on, off field 

Well, Indianapolis, the hangover from the Super Bowl has officially worn off, and not a moment too soon. Even for football fanatics like us, this break before the April draft and August training camps almost seems necessary.

Ever since the team owners and NFL Players Association reached a deal in late July 2011 to end the lockout, the Circle City had been primping and prepping like a teenage girl looking to loose her V-card on prom night. And while our first time in the sack with the Super Bowl was pretty much Disney perfect, this pause from the pigskin will serve us well.

What’s that you say? The NFL Scouting Combine starts today? You mean there’s more football?

Yup, more freakin’ football.

Over the next week (Feb. 22-28), downtown Indianapolis will once again be the center of the football universe with hundreds of scouts, coaches, and team executives evaluating the top 328 prospects invited to the massive tryouts at Lucas Oil Stadium.

But NFL front offices and football beat writers aren’t the only ones who will be sizing up these soon-to-be millionaires. Gold diggers from far and wide will flood Circle City looking to get their hooks into a meal ticket—you know, so she can say she loved you before you hit the big payday.

But relax, Big Time, we here at The A.V. Club have your back. And since Indy has been home to the Combine for more than two decades now, we’ve seen some shit and have a few suggestions on how to protect your pockets.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term gold digger, please refer to the urban dictionary’s eloquent description of, “a bitch trying to weasel you out of your cheddar.” For further research on the term, listen to Kanye West.

While the pressures of the most intense and invasive job interview you’ll ever have might push you to look for some relaxation and comfort off the field, heed this warning: Gold diggers aren’t like anything you dealt with during your stint as big man on campus.

Luckily for you, these GDs are easy to spot even in their natural habitat of the urban jungle, using these totally made-up criteria: 

• First, while they often don’t coexist well over long periods of time, they usually travel in packs when first hunting for prey.

• Second, they are easily identifiable by their elaborate leopard or zebra print coats and unnatural manes. 

• Third, they can usually be found near watering holes and hotel lobbies. 

• Fourth, and this is a big one, there are several distinct mating calls employed by the American Gold Digger used to attract males. If you hear any variation of, “Oh you’re a football player? I love football,” or “You’re so smart,” it’s possible that you’ve come across a cheddar-hungry pro.

If all else fails and you think you’ve gotten yourself in too deep, call your mother. She has hated every girl you’ve ever brought home anyway. And no one will EVER love you like your mother. After all, she truly loved you before you hit the big time.