High Five Shittiest Super Bowl snack recipes

Besides the football and hollering, the best thing about Super Bowl Sunday is all of the beer and food. For some people, though, it’s not enough to grab three cases of beer and nine pizzas from Domino’s. Some people like to cook up their own snacks for game day, and so the Super Bowl has become the de facto holiday for eating like a moron. It’s the one day of the year—other than Christmas and Thanksgiving, maybe—where you can slide into your coziest fat pants and eat ’til you feel bad, without really ever having to actually feel bad about it.

Unfortunately, this mentality has bred, in equal parts, laziness and outright contempt for the average snacker. We’ve sifted through the Internet to find five of the grossest, dumbest, or flat-out shittiest Super Bowl recipes.

1. Guy Fieri’s Ritz cheese steak sliders: Ubiquitous Food Network star Guy Fieri is manhood’s goofball id who dresses like a Pokemon trainer. Decked out in backwards-wraparound sunglasses, Mark McGrath-style bleached tips, and a shirt with flames on it, Fieri takes being a guy and adds a spoiler and an outboard engine. And his recent deal with Ritz crackers proves it. This recipe calls for a whole pound of rib-eye steak to be chopped up, mixed around with Worcestershire sauce and bell peppers, globbed onto a Ritz, and topped with “KRAFT DELI DELUXE Process Jalapeno American Cheese Slices.” Because nothing brings out the buttery elegance of a Ritz Cracker like $22 worth of steak.

2. Paula Deen’s Smashed Dogs: Now that Paula Deen has come clean about having type 2 diabetes—but only after like two years of still fostering diabetes in the American public by deep-frying cheesecakes on TV—she’s trying to backpedal into some lighter recipes. But Super Bowl Sunday is no time to watch your waistline.Deen’s smashed dogs—hot dogs topped with chili-powdered chuck and “bulk sausage”—probably aren’t approved for anyone following a diet, unless it’s the Paula Deen diet. Seriously, these just look like someone ripped open some hot dogs and left them in the sun to die. Gross.

3. Epic Meal Time’s Big Dirty Manningwich: Just in time for gameday, these Montreal-based monsters and obnoxiously unapologetic carnivores have put together a disgusting sandwich in honor of Indianapolis Colts QB Peyton Manning. With steak, pulled pork, bacon strips (of course), “sloppy Joseph” paste, and clots of chowder-based “Brady gravy” piled onto a bun the size of a stop sign, this monstrosity weighs in at 35 pounds, boasting 34,780 calories and 2,700 grams of fat. As sickening as the sandwich looks, you kind of have to begrudgingly respect these guys for taking dangerous eating to the precipice. Like Icarus, they have flown too close to the sun on wings of clam chowder-soaked bacon.

4. Peppered Peanut Brittle (via Huffington Post): A good way to make sure your 97-year-old great aunt and her four friends from the retirement community canasta league show up to your Super Bowl party would be to serve peppered peanut brittle. As you pry chunks of this out of your molars for the next three weeks, you’ll be reminded of all the memories. Like the time everyone fell asleep 20 minutes after kickoff.

5. Rachael Ray’s Benjamin Button pizza: This pizza (which doesn’t even call for button mushrooms or anything) is a “curious” addition to the Super Bowl Central hub of Rachael Ray’s website. What’s the suggestion? That people who don’t watch football instead spend Super Bowl Sunday watching a weepy movie about Brad Pitt aging backwards? That sounds like the most depressing Super Bowl Sunday ever. The pizza itself doesn’t look half-bad, though. And it’s been a while since we’ve watched the Buttons movie. Aw, to hell with it.