30 seconds or less: 6 pop-culture nuggets to enjoy during the Emergency Alert System test
On Wednesday at 2:00 p.m. EST (that’s 1:00 p.m. here, folks), the Emergency Alert System will conduct its very first national test. These tests are usually done locally, but someone in Washington must have had a hunch of an imminent nuclear, zombie, or nuclear-zombie attack in the near future, because the Public Safety and Homeland Security Bureau of the FCC has arranged the simultaneous interruption of all TV and radio stations in the country. If there’s a weak link, they’ll find it.
The customary three-minute interruption of your regularly scheduled programming might’ve seemed like aiming a bit high, however, so the powers that be have shortened it to 30 seconds. And yet with our shortened collective attention span, this national test may feel like a national eternity. Here are some awesome things on the net and elsewhere to fill that 30-second gap.
Uecker’s call of the final play in the 2011 NLDS
Why it’s worth 30 seconds of your time: Because a little Tony Plush dancing through your head will keep the embers of hope for next spring burning. And Mr. Baseball’s voice is highly preferable to that of the Emergency Alert System announcer.
Alternate use: No alternate use, really, other than that of pure inspiration.
5 Second Films
Why it’s worth 30 seconds of your time: As the atomization of all culture at the hands of YouTube continues unabated, the best-kept secret in comedy (though not for much longer, if still a secret at all) is 5 Second Films. Finally, proof you can be consistently funny, pretty damn offensive, and deeply disturbing all while keeping it to five seconds.
Alternate use: Have these cued up and see how many you can watch in 30 seconds. (Results may vary depending on your Internet speed, of course.)
Julianne Moore’s “shut the fuck up” scene in Magnolia
Why it’s worth 30 seconds of your time: Julianne Moore manages in roughly 15 seconds to express more shades of denial than anyone could’ve thought possible, ranging from grave to threatening to almost gleeful. You could make the argument, we suppose, that Philip Seymour Hoffman’s “shut up” moment in Punch Drunk Love is superior as the more testosterone-y version. One thing’s clear: P.T. Anderson is the master of the “shut up” scene.
Alternate use: We don’t have to tell you that this clip is most definitely NSFW. Unless, of course, you want your co-workers to think an agitated woman is telling them to shut the fuck up. If you do, well then, you’re welcome!
Daniel Lopatin, “Nobody Here”
Why it’s worth 30 seconds of your time: A haunting, slowed-down loop of a fragment from that ’80s schmaltz standard “Lady In Red,” this “echo jam” is the work of dronemaster Daniel Lopatin—a.k.a. Oneohtrix Point Never, and half of MIDI-funksters Ford & Lopatin. It’s longer than 30 seconds, yes, but we find it can be enjoyed in pretty much any length of time.
Alternate use: This is the perfect stand-in for that loud drone coming from your television during the test. We also submit that “Nobody Here” would make a really cool “Please stand by” test pattern. It’s better than most TV shows, and surely better than CSI: Los Angeles.
Napalm Death, “You Suffer”
Why it’s worth 30 seconds of your time: Can metal be summed up in two seconds? No. That said, this is a great example of a metal genre that never was: conceptual metal. (Not to be confused with the concept album; the metal canon is downright lousy with those things.) If John Cage had been mentored by Slayer instead of Schoenberg, he might’ve produced something like “You Suffer.”
Alternate use: This would be, and likely already is, a pretty stellar ringtone. Even better, it could serve as that embedded music that emanates from fancy Christmas cards. Just make sure your recipient doesn’t have heart problems.
Brian Eno, Microsoft Windows Theme
Why it’s worth 30 seconds of your time: In 1994, Brian Eno was approached to compose the start-up music for what would be Windows 95. He was a given a list of 150 adjectives for what Microsoft wanted, including “sexy,” “sentimental,” and “futuristic.” This sexy, sentimental, futuristic, and 147-other-adjectives wash of synth-y bliss is a painful reminder of what you could be hearing when you open your laptop.
Alternate use: This could easily be re-appropriated for use as a doorbell. (How? Sorry, we’re not electricians.) Just tell us this wouldn’t usher in the most delicious pizza you’ve consumed in your entire sexy, sentimental, futuristic life.
