A very Craigslist Christmas
Gifts by and for the desperate
Right now, a real human being is actually trying to sell this.
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Some shoppers didn’t have the courage to battle with the hordes vacuuming up $150 Blu-ray players on Black Friday, so where can they go for a good old-fashioned deal? In these dreary economic times, Decider turned to Craigslist—that famous online community so often bound by desperation, despondency, and the need to sell things really, really cheaply. A more perfect union may not exist for folks wanting to give their wallet a rest, but who are still looking for truly unusual gifts. Here are a few of the “best” deals Craigslist Madison recently had to offer, along with suggestions on how to gift them.
Ad title: “Free Toilet”
Cost: $0
The deal: This “pale, yellowish” gem is looking for nothing more than a welcoming home and a reliable water hook-up. Generally re-gifting indoor plumbing units isn’t a suggested course of action, but sometimes “free” is a deal that’s just too good to pass up.
Suggested gift message: A plunger and bowl scrubber just wouldn’t have been enough—you deserve it all.
Ad title: “Two 5 Quart Ice Cream Pails of Clothes pins”
Cost: $5
The deal: If anyone needed proof that possessing even a sliver of logic is in no way a prerequisite for posting an ad on Craigslist, look no further than the sales pitch for this item: “Never can have too many of these.” Um, you sure about that? Also, a picture was provided just in case a prospective buyer couldn’t visualize what a bucket of clothespins looks like.
Suggested gift message: I didn’t know your size, so is it cool if you just wash what you already have?
Ad title: “Mechanical Pencil (not working) Crescent Electric Supply Co. 1961”
Cost: $4
The deal: A broken pencil is about as useful as a broken arm, but the multitasking properties inherent in this sleek writing utensil’s onboard calendar render it only semi-worthless.
Suggested gift message: Someday when time machines come into common use, you’ll be all set to know exactly what day it is in 1961.
Ad title: “Jenny Craig meals”
Cost: Best offer
The deal: Offered up here are a dozen or so frozen meals left behind by a recently moved-out girlfriend. The seller wants them gone, but can’t bring himself to simply throw them out. Ah, love. A good deal, yes, and everyone needs to eat, but tread very lightly if giving this one—it’s guaranteed to earn a dirty, “So you think I’m fat?” look in return.
Suggested gift message: I’ll be your pre-hip replacement Eddie Van Halen if you’ll be my One Day At A Time Valerie Bertinelli.
Ad title: “Playboy & Penthouse Magazines (LOTS) PLUS - 71 XXX Movies”
Cost: $50
The deal: This excellent package of 150+ magazines and 71 VHS porn movies includes hard-to-find issues of Hugh Hefner’s greatest work. For instance: May 1987 (Vanna White); November 1987 (Donna Mills, Knots Landing); and December 1991 (Dian Parkinson, The Price is Right). Why ditch such an obviously hard-earned haul? If Decider had to bet, it’s guessing the seller is bloodletting and only recently shaved his Tom Selleck moustache as well.
Suggested gift message: Try not to see this present as “used.” Think: “vintage.”
Ad title: “Sarah Palin movie”
Cost: $10 (plus shipping)
The deal: Most people would rather flush their eyes with battery acid than be forced to endure another second of Palin-mania, but closer inspection reveals this movie is an alternative to even the most deranged media interpretations of her ill-fated veep run. The rushed-to-DVD Who’s Nailin’ Paylin? is available by mail only, because, as the seller bluntly states, “I'm not meeting you in public because #1, I don't want you to know me, and #2, if you're buying this, I don't want to know you, either.”
Suggested gift message: The Hannity And Colmes box-set was sold out. Enjoy.
Ad title: “Henry Schein Easy Cam Intra oral camera and Panasonic Monitor”
Cost: $1,000
The deal: Parting with a thousand bucks for one present may seem a bit excessive, but it should be noted this item not only includes the camera and monitor, but also the “printer, cart, and supplies.” So if you know anyone who’s been itching to take their intra-oral photography to the next level, this all-in-one dandy will provide them everything they need to start snapping their next gallery-ready series of gingivitis photos.
Suggested gift message: For my favorite career-climbing DIY hygienist.
Ad title: “used hunting, fishing, sporting good store (own your own)”
Cost: $15,000
The deal: The Bargain Hunter is a chain of consignment/liquidation stores that specialize in sporting goods; you provide the location, they supply everything else. The ad says that the “economy is boosting sales,” and that there will be “no disappointments or competition.” Those two votes of confidence should make any future store owner feel secure in knowing there’s probably no chance whatsoever this is a scam.
Suggested gift message: Sorry that Amway thing didn’t work out. Here’s to never giving up.
