All that stands between you and a new iPad is pizza

In the chaotic swirl students must endure to get free stuff, rarely does an event emerge that is devoid of bullshit with free things aplenty. It seems the barons of promotion have smiled upon Madison, because Ian’s Pizza (115 State St., 319 N. Frances St., 608-257-9248)  will be holding its Fourth Annual Pizza Eating Contest on Sept. 23 at Library Mall from 5-7 p.m.

The winner will be whoever eats one slice of cheese pizza and one slice of mac and cheese pizza the fastest in two rounds. The winner’s grand prize is an iPad, which may be the only glorified portable browser worth sacrificing dignity and suffering esophageal distress for. The winner will also get free pizza for a semester, and the runner-up will receive a backpack and an Ian’s gift card. The Big Payback will be in effect before and after the competition, and local comedians Joe Buettner and Mike Schmidt will be on hand to wring jokes out of watching folks get pizza-faced. Stop in at either Ian’s location to fill out an entry form (deadline is Sept. 19) or just show up and hope the sauce doesn’t splatter toward you.