Attention gamblers! Packers are favored in the Super Bowl
Greg Jennings
Since sifting through dull newspapers, hyperbolic blogs, and overflowing RSS feeds for meaningful news can be an arduous process, News Net catches and compiles both the amusing and the significant reports that were overlooked over the weekend. Here are some things to think about as the work week begins.
• Wasting no time, Vegas bookies have already placed the Pack as a slight favorite over the Pittsburgh Steelers when the teams meet in the Super Bowl. Most give them around a two-point lead; not a huge lead, but enough to get compulsive gamblers moving—this is the biggest gambling sporting event of the year after all, so bookies have to light a fire under their asses. If you’d rather blow your money on actually going to the game, StubHub already has tickets posted ranging anywhere from $2,650 to $15,500—though you could get lucky, like Dean Jenkins of Dodgeville, who was able to purchase tickets on the 50-yard line for Sunday’s game for a scant $152 apiece, thanks to a pricing error. Just be sure to drop the “I’m just a working stiff” card if customer service calls back asking to charge you more.
• Despite the fresh bruises inflicted on his beloved Bears, President Obama will be stopping by Wisconsin on Wednesday to visit the employees of Orion Energy Systems, a green technology company based in Manitowoc. This will be Obama’s first public address after the State Of The Union on Tuesday, so the content of the speech is expected to be related to his broader message of the direction of the nation as a whole. Naturally, that means that he’ll be directing all Americans to direct their support toward the Packers in the Super Bowl. Let the healing begin.
• Remember that scene in Wedding Crashers where Owen Wilson uses eye drops to poison Bradley Cooper? Apparently, that was a felony. That’s the harsh truth learned by Luciana Reichel, a 22-year-old Brookfield student who pulled that bit of tomfoolery on her roommate last October. As a result, she now faces up to three and a half years in prison for “placing foreign objects in edibles.” Reichel was charged after bragging about the prank to a tattletale who found less humor in her roommate’s inexplicable nausea and diarrhea. Meanwhile, students responsible for a pink eye epidemic caused by a rash of bare-assed pillow farting remain at large.
• The badass-bounty-hunter budget must have been increased for the DNR this year, since its new method of tagging deer for observation involves choppers and net-launchers. Over the coming weeks, wild life officials will fly over six counties capturing deer to airlift them to researchers waiting to fit them with radio tags. The $94,000 project is part of the ongoing investigation on behalf of hunters into Wisconsin’s declining deer population—but it’s also part of the DNR’s forthcoming reality show where it tracks down wanted deer, pepper sprays them, and then tells them to go with Christ.
