Dissecting the Dells

The annual pilgrimage to the Wisconsin Dells has long been a pillar for faithful Wisconsinites. Like a little wooded Mecca, this beacon of blaring sounds and glaring sights calls to us each year. But when a good chunk of Wisconsin’s population descends upon this tiny town, the crowds will inevitably grow. In the interest of breaking away from the pack while still getting the most out of the Dells experience, Decider sought out some alternatives to the designated hotspots.

Shows: Rick Wilcox Magic Theater ($26-$39), Chicago Club Cabaret ($14.95-$39.95), Dells 4D Special FX Theater ($7.99-$9.99)
Married magician duo Rick and Suzan Wilcox dominate the live entertainment circuit in the Dells, performing six nights a week at their 550-seat theater during the summer. The Wilcoxes’ winning blend of wonder, humor, and tacky outfits is family-friendly fun for those who can stomach magic. But those looking to knock out dinner and a show in one sitting are better off at the Chicago Club Cabaret. Guests here can choose from an extremely limited menu of Italian standbys like spaghetti and meatballs or pasta marinara while a parade of zoot-suited gangsters and dolled-up flappers put on a two-hour song-and-dance revue. Penny-pinchers who aren’t partial to live shows can revel in the excitement of the Dells 4D Special FX Theater. The addition of the fourth dimension means that theatergoers are subjected to water, various smells, bubbles, and what administrative manager Katie Hollander calls “leg ticklers and a back poke.” With films like Extreme Log Ride and Fun House, it’s anyone’s guess how the leg tickling will come into play.

Water parks: Noah’s Ark ($34.99), Kalahari ($25-$34), Riverview Park & Waterworld ($8.50-$19)
Noah’s Ark is the undisputed king of the Dells, but its strengths can also be its biggest weaknesses. Its sprawling size and monster crowds add up to lots of walking and waiting in line, meaning that visitors will usually spend half the day air-drying and crisping in the sun. Check out the condensed awesomeness of the Kalahari Resorts indoor water park instead. Rides like the stationary wave FlowRider and the water coaster Master Blaster pack lots of lasting entertainment value, and you won’t need a map and sunblock to find them. But for the crowd that likes to slum it, there’s always Riverview Park & Waterworld. Boasting imaginative names like “water slides” and “inner tube rides,” this place skimps on the frills to offer a bare-bones, inexpensive aquatic adventure.

Morbid adventures: Ghost Outpost Haunted House ($6.95-$7.95), Top Secret ($10-$12), Museum Of Historic Torture Devices ($5.99-$6.99)
Seventeen chambers crammed with vomiting scientists, man-eating eels, and shit-spewing toilets are enough to keep fans of shock and gore tantalized. But the Ghost Outpost Haunted House brings all this and then piles tons of human skulls and vertigo-inducing strobe lights on top of it, making it a certainty that the lines will be long. Top Secret, the upside-down White House, offers fewer scares at a higher price, almost guaranteeing quick entry. With a Gigli-like record of extremely negative online reviews, Top Secret’s reputation is so bad that you almost have to see it for yourself. But if you require your gore to be historical and laden with copious amounts of reading, look no further than the Museum Of Historic Torture Devices. This hole in the wall is light on actual torture devices and heavy on descriptions and images of said implements, rounded out with a stomach-churning short film called "John Wayne Gacy: The Torture King Of Chicago."

Outdoorsy ride stuff: Original Wisconsin Ducks ($11.50-$23), Monster Truck World ($21.50-$23.50), Lost Canyon Tours ($5-$8.75)
The Original Wisconsin Ducks combine a slow-rolling tour through some of the more picturesque parts of the Dells on land and water, with genial and knowledgeable guides. Cruising in these amphibious vehicles (developed for troop transport in World War II’s Normandy Beach landing) gives participants plenty of time to appreciate nature, but often that time might be spent contemplating boredom. For those who would much rather crush nature than admire it, Monster Truck World offers your ticket to annihilation. Not so much a tour as it is an assault on the wilderness, it enables riders to literally tear up the woods in real-deal monster trucks, complete with back-breaking bumps and deafening noise. If dropping $20 on a cruise through the trees isn’t your bag, try out the horse-drawn-buggy style of Lost Canyon Tours. The only ride that manages to be slower than the Ducks, it offers visitors a chance to be squeezed into a really tight space with horses.